Day 209: Too much on my shoulders

I have been making myself busy as far as I remember and I never get bored. In the initial years of my life, it was my parents who directed most of the things that I was doing, also because we had our own family business. Later I decided to break away and express myself as a professional creative in the field of visual communications. After relationship conflicts made me start reflecting on myself my priorities changed dramatically. In the last couple of decades, I have become more and more selective about what I do and what are the expected outflow consequences of my actions. I carefully decide how to spend every single moment of my life and do my best to contribute to changing this world into what is best for all life. However, a couple of weeks ago I started to feel pain in my shoulder area which is the indication that I fell out of my usual inner balance. So the purpose of this blog post is to gain awareness of what is going on inside of me and to make necessary corrections in order to regain inner harmony.

About a year ago I joined a global movement that resonated with me greatly. Amongst all of the organizations that discovered so far, I estimated that it has the potential to bring the biggest positive change to this world. So I decided to make myself useful in the best way I could considering my abilities. I started to develop a local chapter for that organization which involved the creation of a website and pages, channels, and groups on several social networks, developing a CRM system, and building a mailing list. A lot of work was also with translation from English to Slovenian language. That organization is producing daily news report videos in the length of around 15 minutes and to translate just one of them and to publish it on our website as an article and to then share it on the social networks, takes me around 6 hours. And there are also long Zoom videos that I translate and are from one to even two hours long which takes me a couple of days to translate.

Just in terms of translation, I wonder about the impact and the point of doing such work. It is hard for me to estimate how many Slovenians will benefit from my translations and how it would impact my nation in the long term. The population of our country is just around 2 million which is relatively small compared to some countries where our whole country would fit just in one district of one of their cities. This alone makes me wonder about the point of us having our own language and why do we not adopt English as our main language. In regards to this, some say that the Slovenian language is one of the oldest if not the oldest language on this planet, very similar to Sanskrit and that all the other continental languages developed from it. However, since we are all now communicating globally with increased speed, different languages have become points of separation. And those of us who are in non-English speaking countries have so much additional work to do and spend so much time just with translations that we have much less time to do other things. So just because some countries have implemented English as their main language, they can invest much more time in developing projects and can achieve more than others.

But there are also some benefits from doing translations. When reading, listening, or watching one integrates information just to a certain level. However if one is doing a translation of a body of information, they slow down, take information apart and assemble it again which results in the information being integrated and understood with much more detail and clarity. So while the translation is a time investment for me, I also personally benefit from that process and my awareness expands. Since there is so much information it is of course not possible for me to translate it all and I already experimented with creating a team of translators that would assist with that task. There were some members from or local chapter that volunteered to also do the translations however I took the responsibility of then checking the result of their work. However, the process of me reviewing the translations and performing the edits that I found necessary took me approximately the same amount of time like if I would do the translations myself.

The occurrence of pain in my shoulder area correlates with me being invited into a new translators group on Telegram where I would assist also with doing translation of the content on the new websites related to the global movement that I am now part of. So it looks like I have started to imagine how my workload would significantly increase and that it would definitely be over my capacity. And besides doing the translations, I am currently administrating our website, Facebook page, two Telegram groups, and a channel, writing new website content, doing the graphic design, programming of the online forms, maintaining the CRM system, managing email campaigns for hundreds of subscribers to our newsletters and translations, and many more. I am investing on average over 10 hours of productive work all 7 days of the week to move things forward and it looks like I am doing 95% of all the work in our local chapter group. I have invited others to assist and to take on any of the things that are required to be done but not many responded. Not only that but some even expressed their concern that I am trying to take over our local chapter and use it for my personal benefits which is definitely not true. 

Other chapter members are holding onto many different excuses and justify why they do only as much or nothing as demonstrated so far. Some are busy with their regular jobs and family, some think that our mission is just to wait for the funding from the new global monetary system and then only engage in developing projects, some have concerns and doubts that the movement is legit and that what has been promised will actually be manifested. I cannot blame them since even I in the past joined many groups and movements that promised a lot and delivered a little. There are so many scams going on and we are in times where we are hearing almost nothing but lies on a daily basis from all the mainstream media. So I understand that many have trust issues and struggle with motivation to be part of some group and collaborate productively. Well from my perspective it is the responsibility of every individual to check all the available information, to make use of their intuition, and then decide whom to trust and whom not. I am ready for even the most trustworthy movement that I join to at some point fall apart and to eventually be exposed as deception. However, it makes more sense to me to at least contribute something to things that I currently see as most valid instead of wanting the proof and warranty that things are 100% reliable and that nothing can go wrong. They say a doubt can sink a ship so all the members need to maintain a high level of trust in order to be able to focus on what matters and move towards the goal.

Following the initial ranting and raving, I now progress towards the writing of the specific self-correction statements which I then speak out loud in order to shatter the crystallized mind patterns in my shoulder area that started to create friction and consequent pain in my human physical body tissue:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on doing the translations by myself due to the belief that there is very little hope of finding high-quality translators to do the volunteer work instead of systematically working every day to find them. I realize that whatever my mind is creating as an excuse in order to keep me in the same pattern is pure self-deception. I commit myself to when and as I have a translation project to complete and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Better to do the translation by yourself since all the good translators are already very busy with translating other things and you will not succeed to get them on board as volunteers so best to wait until you will start becoming financed.” to stop and breathe. I then move myself every single day in order to send inquiries to translators and see how they will actually respond.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend most of my time on the local chapter development projects tasks execution due to my enjoyment in combining my skill of graphic design, website development, and English language instead of developing skills of project management and delegating tasks to others. I realize that I am moving towards projects becoming larger and more complex so it is necessary to work on team building since it is not possible to do everything by myself. When and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just do as much as you can do by yourself and wait for others to find their own motivation to join the team and let them equally take initiative in researching what needs to be done and then work on tasks independently.” to stop and breathe. I then move out of my comfort zone of not wanting to communicate much with others, invest time in exciting others for the projects and direct them towards the practical development of the projects.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define translations of uncensored news as a very important component for the organic growth of our mailing list and to mostly focus on sharing translation teasers on online social networks. I realize that there are more effective ways of expanding the email subscription base since a relatively small percentage of all the social network group members have subscribed so far. I commit myself to when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just keep sharing the translation teasers on social networks and trust the fate that the right people will join.” to stop and breathe. I then slow down and take time to research best practices of how to create a big mailing list and measure the effects in order to find out what works best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the technology as a buffer between myself and other people due to seeing others as not taking responsibility for their mental processes to the level of becoming able to communicate with me as one and equal. I realize that I am allowing my past traumatic experiences of being bullied and treated unfairly by others to hold me back from connecting with people on a more personal level. I commit myself to when and as I am considering working with others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Rather communicate with the others via social networks and emails so that you can quickly block anyone that has become possessed by the polarised patterns of thinking.” to stop and breathe. I then decide to develop a more intimate relationship with people and maintain the high self-trust that I will be able to direct the communication by empowering others to align themselves with the principle of what is best for all.

For all who want to learn how to support themselves with writing, I suggest starting walking the

DIP Lite free online course.

And here are some links to supportive audios from Eqafe related to this blogs post that I also suggest you listen to:

Biting off More than You can Chew

Under pressure

My Life as a Bossy Perfectionistic Control-Freak

Who am I as Control

Developing Communication and Expanding Relationships

Everything Must Be Just So

Avoiding People

Lead as an Example in Your Business

Physical Communication

Day 142: Natural Cure for Cold Feet

You are reading the 6th consecutive blog post about cold feet or cold legs symptom that I have been experiencing for about last 10 years. For the full context of this process, I invite you to firstly read my previous related blog posts titled (1) The cause for cold legs where I discovered that one of the causes is separating me from myself by creating a constant self-criticism character, (2) Home remedy for cold feet where I walked the first contributing memory of my father painfully punishing me in my early childhood, (3) Solution for perpetually cold feet where I expanded the previous point of blame from perspective of defensive character that I develop in regards to my father punishing met, (4) Why are my legs always freezing cold where I faced the third important memory of being bullied by classmates during the first years of middle school and (5) Cold Feet Symptoms, Causes and Treatments where I went into my memory of not being accepted to middle school of photography and design. In this blog post I will be facing the next event that I feel influenced me psychologically in causing my cold legs syndrome which is resentment towards my father for pressuring me too much during my employment at our family business after I finished the middle school.

So, my father was originally a chimney sweep and my mother worked as midwife. Then my father progressed and became head of steel factory air purification system. After that he started to produce innovative products for the steel industry that already in the start of my middle school study developed in our family business. But then my father imported sign-making CNC machine from USA and due to recession in steel industry, we transformed into visual communications company. That was the breaking point since me and my brother became main production workers and my father took a role of bringing in the orders and providing all the tools and materials for the production. I as the only one skilled with computers was assigned tasks of digitalisation and vectorisation of logos, cutting them from self-adhesive foil rolls, assembling and mounting the signs and I also did the pre-press and films production for department of screen-printing that was managed by my younger brother.

The problem was that I was in the position where I had to spend most of time sitting in front of computer and using keyboard and mouse to create designs that were then used in my sign-making and also in brother's screen-printing department. The tasks that required direct involvement of my brother were only preparing the printing screens and initial phase of printing machines alignment and for printing of complete number of orders he was able to use additional hired man power. However every phase of the computer related and non computer related manufacturing process in my department was so demanding that I was the only one with sufficient knowledge and skills. And I had also the biggest responsibility since every mistake in the initial design process that was then reproduced before it was discovered meant a big time and financial cost for our company.

Additional nuisance was that my brother during his childhood develop a character of a joker and had been constantly seeking attention like by crawling silently under the table and scaring me. So while he had excessive time and wanted to play with me, my new job required a full focus and quiet environment. Then he even started to seek additional attention from my father in form of finding any mistake that I would make that day and when my father would return home from trip to clients, he would tell on me. My father then came to me and started to criticise me with anger for reported mistakes and he also could not comprehend that I only made a little progress with computer designs while he made many deals with the clients and traveled with his car hundreds of kilometres in the same time. The bottom line is that I was constantly pressured by my father and I had to do my job with less mistakes and much faster.

This progressed to the stage where I have been working from morning to evening even during weekends and I felt that whatever I do and no matter how much I try, I will never meet the expectations of my father. I was deeply disappointed that he treated me even worse than any other employee that worked in our company while I expected from him to understand and respect me more than others since I was his son and part of the family. I felt like the lowest level slave and disciplined to obey and perform as instructed by my father without seeing any way of escape. I felt into a trans-like state where I started to perceive the virtual computer reality as more real that the outer physical reality. Eventually I had to seek professional help and started to visit public psychologist. Sessions where I was able to speak out my mind without being criticised assisted me a lot and I was able to regain sufficient level of mental stability. However I still felt trapped and I knew that as long I would live in the same three-storey house where we had manufacturing facilities in the ground floor and my brother and parents would live with me in the top two floors, I would be still treated only as a production slave.

When I met my first girlfriend while I had as representative of our company visited the home business of one of our biggest client, I saw the opportunity of escape. Just couple of weeks after I met my girlfriend, we decided to move out of houses of our parents into our own flat. When I told my father that I am moving out, he made an incredible big emotional drama believing that I am by moving away telling him and all the world that he is a terrible parent. Then in the next four years, my parents firstly influenced my girlfriend and me to move twice to a new apartment closer to their house. And my father continued to pressure me and also used my girlfriend as a messenger who tried to convince me to work at my father's company for a bit longer and do yet some additional urgent jobs. All this accumulated to the point where my girlfriend decided to break up with me and move out from my apartment. This was the breaking point where I then decided to completely stop working for my father and started working as a freelancer.

Now I will look at relevant interactions and regain my footing by forgiving myself all the projected points of separation where I made others responsible for my own decisions in events as described above:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to work as the only computer specialist in our company while if I really wanted to could persist in educating co-workers to be equally skilled with computers as I was. I realise that decision for me to work as the only IT guy was also influenced by me and other family members to allow the most responsible work to be shared only among family members in order to keep the business in boundaries of our family line and not wanting to expand much to also include those who are not part of our bloodline. The starting point was to keep it small and manageable to fit the available space in the ground floor and not needing to build additional manufacturing facilities or even a new factory on a new location. When and as I look at the memories of the period when I was employed by my father and my mind produces thoughts like: “I suffered because I was pressed to much by my father and he is the one who has the full responsibility for that!“ to stop and breathe. I then see and realise my own participation in the events where I was equally responsible for the decision of working alone since it also fitted me best considering all the circumstances in that period of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be mad about my younger brother who has been constantly seeking the attention by secretly scaring me while I was working with computer. I realise that I did not take time to explain to him how my new job requires me to focus and that I can not allow myself to be distracted anymore. I commit myself to when and as I am doing some task that requires full focus from me and then someone disturbs me and my mind goes like: “What the fuck, just tell this guy to go away and leave me alone!“ to stop and breathe. I then take the time to openly and in detail communicate with the guy who wanted my attention to see if it is something urgent, to explain peacefully that I am doing some job where I do not want to be disturbed and if my attention is needed to schedule a time where me and the guy would be able to get together and communicate about the desired matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for the good feelings of being something more to direct my decisions about how to deal with work tasks. I realise that I had listened to many conversations where my father praised my achievements in front of our family company clients and I felt good about it. Thus I decided to work alone in order not needing to share the deserving attention with anyone else which was pure expression of my self-interest. I commit myself to when and as I contemplate the approach how to get some job done and my mind is trying to convince me into thinking like: “Best to do it only by yourself and not allow for any co-workers to mess up things!” to stop and breathe. A then rather consider all the options, including sharing the work load with others and do it in a way where best interest of the client is considered and also the interests of all other people who have necessary skills, will and time to assist in completing the job in the most professional, timely and cost-effective way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give relationship with my parents the most important meaning among all the relationships in my life. I realise that while my parents were the one who provided for my survival in my early years of my childhood and thus started to consider me as part of themselves, my responsibility is also in teaching them that children are also independent beings that need to develop sovereignty and not constantly counting for their parents to save them when they get into trouble. I commit myself to when and as I have some challenge in my life and my mind goes like: “Immediately contact your parents and firstly see if they are the one who can help you!“ to stop and breathe. I then consider all the options that anyone that I know can assist me with and treat my parents equally as anyone else who can help me. And I commit to especially see for myself how I created the situation, how I can get out from it by myself and how to change in order not to get in any undesired situation again in the future. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimise myself during the period of being employed by my father where I felt that I worked to much and had too little time to relax myself and develop my own independent personal life. I realise that during all my career there I had in very single moment the opportunity to negotiate working hours and my free time however it was myself who became overexcited by computers and creating sign and satisfying clients. I commit myself to when and as I plan my daily tasks and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Isn't that job just so excited? Why don't you do just some more tasks and you will relax later.“ to stop and breathe. I then look at how my physical body feels and what is telling me and always consider my well-being as top priority at all my decisions. I realise that work is never done as there will always be something to do. So best to relax regularly and take good care of myself in order to avoid unnecessary consequences in form of pain, illness or injury.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Under pressure from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answer to any imaginable question about life and this existence.