Day 127: Preassure reaction to mind pattern

For couple of weeks I have been occasionally experiencing strange physical reaction in regards to certain mind pattern. The reaction manifests as s feeling of pressure or cramp, located under on the left (hearth) side of my body, in hight of the the third rib and vertically aligned with the nipple. The pressure point feels like it is around one centimeter under the skin with radius of about three centimeters. This pressure like feeling activates when I allow myself some sub/un conscious pattern of anxiety and it lasts for several minutes. It is in a way cool indicator of mind patterns that allows me to become aware of them and deal with them. This feeling is a bit annoying since it feels like someone is pressing my chest and I do not want that. So I will look into it in order to remove the mind pattern that triggers this reaction.

I noticed that this reaction is triggered by very subtle, hard to define thoughts of various origin, but generally a sort of anxiety or fear. It triggers most often in the gym where I exercise regularly each morning at 6am. There is not many people there at such early hour and sometimes if I arrive right when they open, I am totally alone. Despite that my mind still manages to provide me some kind of worrying thoughts that develop feeling of anxiety and then also this pressures manifestation occurs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow my mind patterns for so long time that they integrated deep into the physical tissue of my human body and became quantum physical reactions that are very hard do identify and stop. I realize that procrastination with allowing of some thought results in a very nasty consequence thus I commit myself to stop my thoughts immediately when they emerge.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to indulge in the feelings of energies, especially energies of warmth, softness and sexual energies. I realize that if I allow energies they become directive principle of my life and suppress my self-expression. Thus I commit myself to practice moderation in activities like resting and watching movies.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to think that is is sufficient to do daily vlogging and that blogging in not necessary to effectively advance in my process of self-realization. I realize that writing is the only tool with the power of slowing myself down and becoming aware of all tiny subconscious patterns that are necessary to be walked. Thus I commit not only to record one vlog per day but to also write one blog per day.

Suggested related material to look at:

The Nature of Anxiety

Deconstructing your anxiety

Anxiety Support By the Atlanteans - Part 1

Anxiety Support By the Atlanteans - Part 2

Reliving the Anxiety of the Past

Day 126: Group chatting self-judgement

While I had a group IRC chat the other day I noticed a quick unconscious reaction of self-judgement that would also manifest as a pinching irritation on the skin around my genitalia. So I decided to stop and transform this pattern since the manifested consequences on my physical body are far from desirable.

The nature of IRC chat is that things move very fast. Many people participate, some write more, some less and some are mere observers. Within that there are also some participant that I value more since they possess certain skills, wide awareness and have walked the process of self-realizations many years more than I. Thus I developed a respect which manifests as fear about how they see me and what they will say to me. 

During the chat I would follow the conversation and read the feeds from all the participants. Then I would have to decide if and what post to comment and what to say. The feeds move so fast that if I would write extensive comment, amounting to several sentences,  after posting it, I would have to go back and read all the post feeds from others that have been posted during me writing my comment. This pressures me in terms of making me mostly write only short comments in order not to miss reading posts of others.

However when I want to write a short comment, I have to decide what words to write in order to express myself fully while at the same time avoiding unclarity or misunderstanding when others would read what I wrote. This forces me to carefully pick the words that have the exact meaning of what I want to say and obviously in this I am limited with my current English vocabulary. Thus if I want to improve my English word expression, I will have to expand my vocabulary.

Interesting than that when I would write a short comment, I would start asking myself if my comment was clear enough and within that a self-judgement would trigger where I would claim to myself that what I have written was not specific and clear. Energy of anger towards myself would trigger and an itching feeling on my genital skin would manifest that make me scratch that area in order to release the irritating feeling.

So if I look into that pattern and ask myself, what are the components that contribute to this reaction, I can conclude that they are:

• perfectionism
• desire to be praised
• impatience
• laziness
• self-abdication
• projection
• fear of judgement
• valuing others more than me
• lack of self-trust
• lack of focus
• desire for entertainment
• bordom
• criticism
• comparison
• competition
• self-judgement
• fear of punishment
• feeling of being trapped
• overwhelmingness
• envy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards other chat participants who have been participating several years longer than me and have developed better communications skills that I currently possess. I realize that each person possesses different skills with different levels of perfections so it pointless to compare yourself towards others and create polarity relationships of being more or less towards others. I commit myself that within group communication I express myself in my unique way, according to the skills that I currently possess and I commit myself to invest time in developing my communications skills so that I will be more effective in fast and accurate live writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after posting a comment to anticipate the responses of others and look forward to the positive responses where other will affirm that what I have written is true and correct. I realize that by acting in this way I create attachment to what I have written and am not able to be present in this very moment and am thus not focused what is happening now. I commit myself to after I write a comment to then immediately leave it where it is and then move on by reading what others have written so I can be fully present within the flow of conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the group chat value the comment from certain people more since they are in certain organizational position and execute particular function. So when I would read the comment from others I would look who wrote the comment and if someone that I do not know very good would comment, I would not place any big value to it, however if someone comment that I know well to be in particular position, I would consider it more valuable. Consequently if someone that I value more would give me a negative comment, I would feel fear and if they would give a positive comment, I would be proud and content. I realize that such relationship of labeling comment more and less valuable creates separation where I would make the source of the comment more important than the actual message. I commit myself that within group chats, I do not place any particular value on the source of the message, but to consider each comment or post equally and then investigate it from the perspective of common sense and the message that author wanted to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define IRC chats as primitive and boring since there is no sound and pictures. So when the chat would start, I would become impatient and restless and seek some sort of entertainment like browsing social media or similar. I realize that IRC chats are effective way of group communication since they are low in bandwidth consumption, very stable, without distractive elements, small in storing chat logs and practical for keyword searching. I realize that by engaging in additional entertainment forms during IRC chats that I loose focus and do not follow the conversation effectively. I commit myself that during group chats to fully focus on the text feed and actively participate in the conversation. By actively engaging in contributing the content, I emerge into the dynamics of conversation that than becomes interesting and consequently also the time within chat moves very quickly.

I forgive myself that I gave accepted and allowed myself to in case of extensive contributions in form of comments and perspectives of the participants in the IRC group chats to become overwhelmed by the quantity of information and thus create anxiety. I realize that by allowing thoughts and emotions to emerge during my attempt to follow the conversation flow, the mind is only redirecting my attention from what is here to the backchat which makes me loose the focus on what is here. Thus I commit myself to pay attention on the chat, breathe effectively and read all the text that is being displayed which in fact is not so much that I would need to leave out any of the sections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider the group chats to be something that I am forced to participate in and that I actually want to do something else. I realize that I actually enjoy the self-realization process that the group provides and that I find it very supporting and in time also very entertaining and fascinating. I commit myself to when I participate in the group chat to cherish the valuable opportunity of participating in such a cool supportive group, based on honesty and what is best for all.

Related audios to listen:

Comparison, Judgement and Competition

How do I Stop Punishing Myself?

Day 125: Tired of life

A point I observed within myself recently was how I become tired about the things that are waiting for me to be done in the future. So many times throughout the day I would feel like heavy circles around the eyes, a tiredness that makes me want to rest and take a nap. I looked for a supportive Eqafe interview and there was one that addressed exactly that point titled Tired Eyes from Reptilians series.

I listened to the interview and it was explained that the feeling of tiredness around the eyes appear due to perception that you are in a kind of trapped position, forced to do something that you do not want to to. So I asked myself how does this apply to my case and become aware that I what I am doing some sort of mission where I limit my self expression and repeat daily cycles of activities that suppress me. I am living a character of martyr where I expose all the bad stuff in this world and sacrifice myself by dedicating my life to be an example of solution. At first glance it is just ok with wanting to improve this world but when it becomes a sort of prison it does not feel very nice. Thus I am looking at this point within the need of transforming my activities in order not to feel like I am sacrificing my life and wasting my life potential for doing only the hard stuff instead of enjoying and having fun. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to see the reality of what is here. I realize that instead of investigating how reality works, I have limited my perception to the very small bubble of my personal reality and tried to live in separation which is actually not possible. Thus I commit myself to open my eyes and see the whole reality, research all the relationships, interdependencies, and walk my life in the consideration of all the parts of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to become tiredness and after certain period of doing certain tasks to feel tired so that I have to stop, take a nap and regenerate. I realize that life as the physical does not need rest and never gets tired. The only thing that requires regeneration is the mind which mines the energy from the physical. Thus I commit myself to release myself from the mind, to stop being the energy and become one and equal with the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I feel tiredness to go into my mind and make a revision of all the things that I have already done today in order to calculate if I have done enough work in order to qualify for being tired. And then when I conclude that I have done quite a lot of work, to justify the feeling of tiredness and decide that I can now rest since I am fully entitled to do so. I realize that by thinking over what all I have done and been thinking about today, I allow my mind to become directive principle of my life by producing more and more thoughts that actually suck the life force out of my physical body. Thus I commit myself to when I a feeling of tiredness accumulates to carefully see if it is actually physical tiredness or is it just the mind craving for more energy. Then I would breathe through the energetic feeling of energy and continue working.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired of life instead of realizing that what I am tired of is actually not life but the mine, pretending to be life. I realize that children are full of life and only by introduction of limitations from parents and educations system, the minds starts to develop and thus suppressing the will to live since one is no allowed anymore to express themselves freely. Thus I commit myself to look into myself, become aware of all the accepted and allowed limitation patters and release them one after another in order to again become free and looking forward to everything that existence brings into my life.

Suggested related audios to listen:

Tired Eyes

Mental Tiredness vs. Physical Tiredness

Lethargy

Day 124: Continuation with blogging using new sequence

It has been many months since I last wrote in my English blog. The last blog post had sequence number 123 but then I wrote only in my Slovenian blog and the last post there is currently Day 198. In the middle of July 2014 I also started with regular daily vlogging in Slovenian language. I started to sequence them with Day 1 and at the time of writing this post the last one is already Day 47.

I record now vlogs every morning where I would wake up around 6 AM and run to the gym which is about 20 minutes away from my home. At the start of the trip to the gym I would record about 10 minute long vlog where I would share my realizations and Desteni perspective on a selected topic. When I return from the gym, I would sometimes also edit the video by inserting links and screenshots and then upload it to my YouTube channel. The final phase would be adding the video description, adding active links and finally sharing on social networks.

The whole procedure for one single video takes abut 1,5 hours each day. This gave me a feeling of satisfaction and believe that I have done a significant part of walking my process so I was not motivated much to also do any additional blogging besides my weekly DIP Pro assignment. So for 47 days since I started with daily vlogging I did not write a single blog not in English not in Slovenian language.

Then a couple of days ago I decided to restart with more regular blogging and I committed myself to write at least 4 blog posts per month, mostly in English language. And I would make also one English vlog per week or 4 per month. I already made my first English vlog after many months and I decided to also sequence the starting with Day 1. So I will be progressing each of my vlogs and blog posts with separate sequencing and will thus not jump any more from Slovenian to English blog and back as I have been doing so far.

Day 123: First step of moving to Maribor

Days 121 to 122 are in my Slovenian blog

Yesterday I drove with fully packed car to Maribor city. I have transported there the first quantity of my stuff to the temporary location in the center of the city near Lent region. I have checked out the location of my potential new apartment in the two-story old city house near a two-way road. The son of the owner of the house is living in one of the top apartments and is renovating all the apartments on father's behalf and converting them into rooms for the students. In the top as in the bottom floor there are three to four rooms with joint kitchen and bathroom.

In the first floor of the house there are already people living and one of them is a friend who I met couple of years ago and is deeply involved in spirituality. She moved there from the costal region to study at the Faculty of education. We had and interesting chat after I moved all my stuff from the car to one of the bottom rooms. I also met some of her visiting friends who is working in field of ecology and there was also a nice asian girl who decided to live in the city with her young child and a dog.

So while the top floor of the house has already been completely renovated and filled with people, the bottom floor yet needs a couple of days for the finishing touches. The landlord allowed me to store my stuff in one of the rooms and maybe I will decide to stay there for a while. It all depends how I will find living there appropriate. At this time the heating is off, the kitchen is not installed, light bulbs and shower are missing and the door frames are not completed.

What also bothers me there is that my potential room is near the road so there is some noise from the cars driving nearby. Also the parking is not very comfortable. Then I will have to see if there will be any other disturbing elements that will be unacceptable for me. So I am a bit nervous and anxious about all this movement to the new place and I feel a block in my belly. I am entering a new, unknown territory and obviously every moving of permanent residence is quite a big change.

Yesterday I also met another friend who has a master's degree in education, is author of three books and an interesting card sets that assist people in realizing and overcoming emotional limitations. We had quite a long talk, I estimate it was at least three hours and we shared a lot of interesting information. She is a very fast and extensive speaker, energetic person, very opened, kind and with lots of ideas. There is a lot of potential of mutual collaboration there and I am looking forward to it.

Now I will have to wait in Ljubljana for another two days until the rooms in the bottom floors will be ready for living and in that time I will pack the rest of my stuff in the boxes. I plan the next and final trip to Maribor on Sunday and from then on I will become a resident of Maribor city.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted the feeling of fear that I will not be comfortable in my new place after visiting the location where work is in the progress, instead of realizing that when I will move there is couple of days, the work will be already completely finished.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted the feeling of anxiety due to thinking that noise in the new apartment will be too much for me instead of realizing that I could get used to frequent sounds, like I got used to quite loud sound of the refrigerator in my current apartment which I found very disturbing initially.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to be afraid of the nearby very wide river to fill my future apartment with water in case of the floods instead of researching the history of floods in that area and verifying if my location is in fact on endangered locations.

I commit myself to breathe effectively and be full here, in this moment and act in accordance to real physical events and situations.

I commit myself to fully express myself and communicate with people that I am surrounded with and dependent so that they understand my needs and assist me in providing me with a suitable living conditions.

Day 120: Undecided due to unknown future

Several days ago I decided to start a new online project that I expect to become an additional source of income since I would be offering services that anyone can order online from anywhere in the world and I would also deliver the final product electronically. But then I started to wonder if it would be wise to create another project since that would divide my attention ever further. Also there is some competition in the targeted field and I am not sure if it would be worth the effort.

Recently I decided to move to another apartment and I picked preferred region, however moving would again mean a lot of stress and costs. I want to sell the stock of my goods that were left from the online store and I organized an auction but no from the companies that I invited to participate bided yet. So I plan to call them on monday and urge them. Basically I will have to come up with some money in order to organize the move and also to pay some bills.

But what possessed me lately was the urge to find some compatible life partner. So I reengaged in online social and dating sites and started to connect with some people. It would be cool if I would find soon some partner which I could collaborate on the projects with and I already have one date in couple of days. There sure is a possibility that I would connect with someone very quick and maybe also move to her apartment or move together to some new location. So I am opened for any opportunity and am not fixed on moving to any particular location.

Since anything can happen in next several days I am also procrastinating with developing the new project and searching appropriate new place to move to. Also I am waiting for the confirmation of the new legal entity that I filed documents for one week ago. When the papers will be received, I would be able to move very fast in direction of developing current projects. And almost any day I also connect with a new potential business partner globally so the opportunities and potentials are wast.

All this makes me hard to decide which point to prioritize and in which direction to move. I slip into state of mind where I just want to fast forward the time and research the new potentials. However since I can not speed up time, I make myself busy by surfing the web, watching movies, hiking and other stuff. I am aware that I could use the time to do all sorts of useful things, but I am so restless inside that I want to distract myself and just kill the time.

I feel confident that everything will turn out just right and that whatever will happen could be turned around somehow and make something that would enable me to move on towards my goals. I do not allow myself to experience fear or anxiety. I know that I will be able to make it regardless of what will happen. I have always had a lot of ideas and I made good use of them. I know that even if I loose everything, I can simply connect with other people, share my concerns and desires and they will assist me. I have even made peace with the death already so basically nothing is able to frighten me.

Writing all this down, I see that I just needed to sort out my thought and that I am fully capable of moving myself towards my goals. After I finish this post, I will clean the kitchen and work on the new project. Writing really assists and it is cool that I have started to use this tool to support myself.

Day 119: Moving again

It has not been even five months yet since I moved to current small studio apartment and I have made a decision to move again. It was relatively nice to live here in the neighborhood of medium to high class people on the suburb of capital city Ljubljana with nature and hills nearby. However some points started to accumulate that resulted in decision to place myself in a new environment again.

The apartment was quite practical due to being very narrow and long, allowing me to have the business office in front and kitchen way back which was very nice for my business needs. However shortly after I moved in I noticed that roof was leaking, the internet connection was slow, the lighting was poor, especially in the kitchen and bathroom, and now I also got the information that the ceiling has poor thermal isolation and that in the cold winter it is freezing inside in spite of heating being turned on fully.

Then also the landlord who is older woman lives just next door, meaning that I need to pass right her doors and porch in order to enter my apartment which is not very convenient. Firstly I expected that I will be in very good relationship with the landlord since she also studied spiritual books very intensely, however in time it turned out that she is not really very open-minded but part of a certain international spiritual group with such philosophy that prevents her to act grounded and consider this physical reality as something that has to be considered as primary point.

And the third reason why I am to move out is that I initially thought that living in the capital city will enable my business and non-profit projects to manifest faster, however it turned out that in the big cities, people are generally very nervous, full of fear, pressured with high rent prices and lack of time so it is not ideal place where my plans could be achieved effectively. I got information recently that it is generally best for any sales, especially if they are school and education related, to work outside big cities, especially in the northeast part of our country.

So while being born and living most of my life in northwest part of Slovenia and for the past four years living in the center of the country, I plan now to experience also life in the northeast region. I see this as kind of adventure and opportunity to gather more life experiences by meeting new people there. Also a lot of good friends live now in the surrounding of my future planned place of permanent residence so there will be many benefits.