2011 - Facing fear of future challenges

Big plans ahead: Moving to capital city Ljubljana, renting apartment, restarting photography business, adding video services, launching Desteni accessories shop. All this triggered a lot of subconscious fear that again manifested as movement in my head, called vertigo. How do I know that vertigo is all about fear? It is triggered immediately after I allow and accept some thought of fear and anxiety when I am experiencing some tuff decisions. Like for example when I was in the middle of meeting with web store programming company. After the head of projects explained that tags in the web store are totally ignored by Google search engine, the picture in front of my eyes shifted like someone would push my head swiftly for several decimetres. And the same day, when I picked my grandmother with my car, in the middle of the road, while she was describing how some of her friend finished university and planned to raise her two children and be able to cope with all the challenges, when she started to explain that this women is now experiencing strong vertigo and lying in the bed hopelessly, the vertigo also started to emerge in my head, so I had to stop the car at the nearest parking place and rest for about 20 minutes. And there is a lot of similar cases where I experienced vertigo as result of some subconscious or unconscious fear.

A lot changed since I was a young boy, being protected by my parents, simply doing what I was told to, and being provided with all I needed. But then while becoming older, many responsibilities compounded, and when meeting Desteni, I became aware of my responsibility even for everything that I allow and accept in this current reality. And also the social safety started to diminish extensively. Since I am now moving to city that I treated just a few years ago as smelly, hot, noisy, violent concrete place, where I would not want to live ever, I am experiencing great anxiety about how will I be able to cope with future challenges. While in the big city there is a lot of opportunity to earn money, there is also a lot of competition, impatience and hurry. I am now in the closing stage of renting apartment in the strict centre of the city, right next to several universities and Italian embassy. The apartment is in the old house with high ceilings, which is great for my photo studio, but the parquet is old and creaking. It is in the 1st floor, without reserved parking place. There is a big parking place at the back of universities, but it is almost totally full from morning to 5pm.

I also plan to sell my car Renault Clio and buy some kind of van, like Mercedes Vito or Renault Espace, in order to transport a lot of photography equipment and Desteni merchandising. And I plan to employ one or two assistants that will support my business projects. So from working alone in quiet countryside for many years, I am pushing myself into total new, unfamiliar environment in order to have the greater impact towards making this world a better place. The fear is of course connected to the money, the fear of survival, of loosing all the money or not having enough money to be able to support myself effectively. It is the projection of recent experience where I changed my photography business to counselling business and fell in debt due to pushing the advertising of my services too much and not stopping soon enough. This destroyed my self-trust quite a bit, so now I am much more afraid of loosing the money again. And I have compromised myself because I was not careful enough about my financial situation, I did not follow all the transactions in detail, so I got surprised by expenses becoming larger than my income.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be afraid of unknown instead of breathing effectively and remaining here all the time and walking by life breath by breath without thinking what might happen or even considering only the bad things that might happen to me.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define large cities as ugly, smelly, noisy and unfriendly, instead of realising that this is my self-created idea that has nothing to do with practical experience, thus I will know how life in the city is only if I allow myself to live there without any pre-conceived ideas or judgements.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that my life could be endangered if I loose all my money, since in our country, we have sufficient social support that helps people without jobs to at least get the food, and I am skilful and knowledgeable to earn enough money anytime, as I have proved in past years to myself.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create myself plans of how my business should develop and become afraid if I hear some information that would compromise my plan, instead of realising that life is about constant adjustment to new current situation and new information that people who I interact with contribute, thus it is best for me to only gave agendas and goals and go with the flow.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to try to upkeep certain social personality of good person that is doing what is best for all and become afraid if I perceive this personality to become compromised, instead of realising that it is not important what others think about me and how they perceive me, but what I really am as living being, what I stand for within, since I am the only judge for myself and self-honestly is thus the most important thing about my life.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to neglect the detailed following of financial situation, instead of understanding that money is the currently very important thing in this world and the tool for gaining goals, thus it is best to take more care about my financial reports in order to assure not to compromise my financial status again.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to wanting to do everything by myself and owning the tools instead of realising that if want to be more effective in achieving my goals, I will have to learn how to co-operate with other people and use their resources, since when working in the group everybody can contribute their knowledge and skills and be much more influential that I alone could ever be.
   
   
8. When I do my job, I pay attention of the money flow and I make sure that I have enough income to be cover all my expenses and be profitable in order to successfully invest in the projects that will make this world a better place.
   
   
9. When I hire the people, I stay here, breathe effectively, explain my agenda and goals and then let everyone to contribute their ideas and suggestions in order for the project to succeed much better and faster that I could imagine for myself.

If you want to learn more about self-forgiveness and how to clear your subconscious fears and other emotions and feelings that distract you from what is really here, then I suggest to join 'Desteni I Process'. If you wish to remove all the fear of survival, hunger and wars from this world, then research and support the 'Equal Money System'. And soon we will have a true heaven on earth.
.

2011 - My grandmother > Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction

This is the excerpt of my finished and approved Advanced Mind Construct assignment of the third most influential person in my life as part of self-realisation online coaching program 'Desteni I Process' where we face our accepted and allowed subconscious mind patterns that trigger immediate emotional reactions. In the first step, called 'Ranting and Raving' we write down everything that comes on our minds about topic that we currently walk. Then in the following two steps, called 'Paragraphs' and 'Skeleton' we narrow the amount of information in order to expose the main points, and in the next three steps, called 'Memories', 'Components' and 'Self-Forgiveness with Self-Corrective statements', we expand by digging deep into our minds, expose all secret memories, identify the forms of our self-deception within these memories and finally defuse those emotional triggers by taking full self-responsibility with tool of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements.

Step 1 > Ranting & Raving:

My grandmother was a very big protector for me. My grandfather died a few years ago, so she has been living alone since then. She is a very active lady, constantly doing something, assisting other people, involved in the senior club, and she is a great cook. I used to come and visit her for a weekend, usually at Fridays or Saturdays at the evening, and she would prepare me a great feast. She constantly baked cookies and cakes, and when I would arrive, she would prepare me fried potato chips, fried chicken or fish and green leaves salad, since I preferred those dishes the most. I would just lie on the sofa, and she would cook for me with great joy. In the mean time, I would watch movies, since I did not have a TV set at home, and I would watch them until early in the morning. Then I would spend the night at her place and the next morning I would go home.

About three years ago she fell and broke some major bone and had a great pain and needed assistance. Since no one of us had time to assist her all the time, we decided to be the best to sell her apartment and to move her to the retirement home. She fully recovered now and is active again. Now she lives in a room with some other old lady who has trouble walking, and she is assisting her. Since now she does not have a kitchen of her own, she assists in the retirement home kitchen and she collects and is given some food as award and she then saves it for me. Lately I come to see her at Sundays and pick her up at 8:30 after the breakfast. We put all the food for me and also for others from her religious group in the bags, and then we usually go to visit the grave of my mother/her daughter who committed suicide two years ago. We tidy up the gravestone and light some candles. Then we go to my place where I pick the food for me from the bags and put in into the fridge, and in the meanwhile she visits her friend in the neighborhood or irons my laundry.

At 10:00 I drive her to the next village where she joins her Jehovah Witnesses religious group. My grandmother has much resentment towards my father since she believes that he used all the money from selling her apartment for his own needs, and she also resents my brother for being such nasty towards me. But I encourage her to forgive herself all that judgments and live here in peace with everyone. My father does not want to eat any food that she bring from the retirement home since it is basically forbidden to transport the food out of the retirement home, but she can not help herself to stop doing this. So I allow her to feel as someone who can support me a bit, and I am also thankful since I do not need to buy much food in the store. I though have a bit of a bad feeling since it is forbidden to transport food out of the retirement home

Step 6 > Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements:

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to grandfather’s behavior due to my expectation that he must behave nicely and speak polite to his wife, instead of realizing that every expectation or ideal of how one must behave is a believe, accepted from other people, and that however someone behaves, I must not emotionally react but breathe and stay here.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my grandfather’s behavior to his experience of suffering in the Dachau concentration camp and defining his behavior as self-pity, instead of realizing that whenever I made any assumption that someone is behaving in regards to his past experiences is my own created believe and it has nothing to do with the actual someone’s expression in this moment.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry when my grandmother offered me the meat dish while I was a vegetarian instead of realizing that if someone offers me some dish that I do not want to eat, it is up to me to decline it while remaining stable inside and that there has never have to be any reason for any emotional reaction.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose motivation while explaining my grandmother my perspective about the diet, instead of remaining patient and stable within, breathing effectively and continue with explanation until she will finally get it.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become inpatient with my grandmother since I defined her as too old and incapable of understanding what I am saying, instead of realizing that it will take a lot of time and enormous patience in order for everyone to understand the principles of self-responsibility and what takes to practically manifest heaven on earth.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decline the food from the starting point of proving who is right and wrong and trying to prove that I am right, instead of realizing that the only valid judge if the food is appropriate for me is my physical body and it is best for me to listen to my physical senses and eat whatever and whenever my eye, nose and tongue indicate that some food is good for me.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the senses of my physical body are not valid and that I need to pick my diet based on what other people and books tell me is right, instead of realizing that we all have unique body, that there is no diet that is best for all, and that is best to ask my physical body to tell me what food is the most suitable for me.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I decided to eat fish and defining this as my grandmother winning over me instead of realizing that if I decide something, based on what is best for me, it does not meter who gave the suggestion to do that, and that there is no reason to have any good od bad feelings, but just to accept this decision and remain here.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine how my grandmother is selling the batteries to her clients and how she enjoys doing that, instead of realizing that whatever I imagine in my mind is self-deception, a lie, and has nothing to do with the actual events end experiences of other people within these events, thus it is best not to imagine anything anytime and ask about the exact actual facts.
   
   
10. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the feelings of envy in regards to imaginative activities of my grandmother, instead of realizing that any created feelings towards people in my imagination is double self-deception, and that even in real life I should never compare myself to anyone and not allow any feelings and emotions towards anyone since they are all the result of separation.
    
    
11. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate my grandmother’s activities and her benefits in regards to that activities and wanting to do the same things in order to gain the similar benefits, instead of realizing that whenever I compare myself to anyone, I separate myself from what is here and loose myself in the mind, thus it is best to always only observe other people’s activities, breathe effectively and remain here without allowing any thoughts or desires.
    
    
12. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about what benefits will I receive when grandmother gives me something, instead of simply accepting things from anyone if I can practically use them and then store them and use them whenever I need them, without going in my mind and thinking about all possible scenarios in relation to things that are given to me.
    
    
13. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid if someone would stop while carrying the bag full of food that grandmother gave me due to perception that my life is depended on the food in the bag and that if someone will stop me, my life will get compromised, instead of realizing that I have enough money to buy me plenty of food to survive, and even if I am prevented to receive the food from my grandmother, I will still be fine.
    
    
14. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad about breaking the rule of the food not being allowed to be transported outside the senior home, instead of realizing that I have never actually checked if this rule is really in place, and that since everyone in the senior home is allowing my mother to pick and collect the food, they are obviously allowing her to do with the food whatever she wants, and that if I am braking any rule, I will only know that if someone will inform me that my actions are not allowed, so there is nothing for me to actually having to worry about.
    
    
15. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to admire my grandmother for her actions, defining them as generous, and becoming envious about her, instead of realizing that actions of people are just actions that bring consequences and I am also capable of performing any actions the same as anyone else, so it best not to define others and their actions as something more than me an my actions, but to remain stale within and do my self-movement towards what is best for all.
    
    
16. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prevent my grandmother to do my laundry due to my created belief that I will this way over-exploit her and that she better rests due to her advance age, instead of realizing that whenever someone wants to assist me, I can simply allow the assistance since it will relief some of my jobs, and not allow myself any definitions about what others are capable on not capable of doing.
    
    
17. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do everything for myself in order to feel good, instead of realizing that this way I am limiting my expansion, so it is better to start collaborating with others in order to make much more things done.
    
    
18. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my grandmother has over-criticized my mother and is thus responsible for the suicide of my mother/her daughter, instead of realizing that each one of us is responsible for what we accept and allow and thus my mother is the only who is responsible for allowing and accepting the thoughts and feelings that eventually made her to commit suicide.
    
    
19. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for my grandmother to forgive herself all the feelings of blame towards my mother, father and brother, instead of realizing that there is nothing more that I can do besides explaining her how we are all responsible for our thoughts, feelings and emotions and teaching her by my own example of remaining here, stable within and never giving up on anyone.
    
    
20. When I want to express my perspective to someone, I understand that I others can get to understanding only when I became one and equal with them and explain them as I would like to have explained if I was in their shoes, so I remain here, with unlimited patience, and explain the points slowly and clearly until people reach full understanding of what I want to communicate.
    
    
21. When I am offered food, I look it with my eyes, I smell it with my nose, I taste it with my tongue and then accept it if I find it appropriate for my human physical body and if I am hungry in that moment, other wise I decline the food without while remaining here and stable within.
    
    
22. When I am in doubt if I am breaking some rule or law, I do not allow myself in the state of doubt, but check the rules and laws until I am totally clear what they demand from me and then I walk within this system without breaking any laws and agreements and slowly change the system and laws as one and equal with the system and remove or change the rules so that the system starts to support everyone equally and becomes manifestation of environment that is best for all.
    
    
23. When I see someone doing something, I observe the physical actions and pictures moving in front of my eyes while remaining stable within, one and equal with the person that I observe and keep my awareness that what others do, I would be able to do the same if I would be in their bodes, but since we have different bodies, we have all different physical abilities, but are all equal in terms of unlimited expression within current limitations of our physical bodies.
    
    
24. When someone offers to physically and practically assist me, I accept the assistance while breathing effectively and remaining here with understanding that if I have some things that need to be done, it is supportive if someone assists me and thus saves my time to do those things, since it is not important who does what, as long every single action is the result of self-expression and executed with use of principle of equality of all living beings.
    
    
25. When I notice that some being is harming other I do not allow the abuse and take actions in order to stop the abuse, while being careful that I am one and equal with the being that I want to stop from being abusive in order for the being to be able to understand the consequences of its actions, accept self-responsibility and correct itself towards not harming others anymore.

So if you wish to become emotionally stable, please research 'Desteni I Process' online program that will teach you how to become self-honest and responsible human being that acts upon principles of equality of all living beings and does what is best for all. And if you decide to assist others in this process, you can become and agent and eventually a buddy and thus earn a lot of money. If you want me to assist you in this process, enter my name 'Valentin Rozman' and my student number '140' when you register. Let us all become better human beings and create heaven on earth!
.

2011 - Broadcasting equality

Today I have attended a 5-hour seminar where Slovenian general representative for JVC professional video cameras and video editing workflows presented the latest solutions for TV broadcasting. Technology has changed a lot, tiny Secure Digital cards have replaced the cassette tapes and fibre optic cables are replacing copper cables. There is no more black box devices and big mixing tables, the whole workflow has been digitised and moved to computers, so now you can run the whole TV station on one single Mac Pro computer.

I have already purchased one professional JVC video camera, the most powerful iMac computer and Adobe software for video production, so I am now able to produce high quality videos. All I need is to learn and master the hardware and software so it will take some time before I produce some large video project. Some projects will be commercial nature in order to bring me money and some will be activistic in order to support Desteni and the solutions to better the humans with online training Desteni I Process and the world system by implementing Equal Money System.

Due to computerised workflow, it is not so hard now to run whole TV station or channel. I have been observing development of Studio 12 production who started a dew ago with production of single short videos and interviews to raise the public awareness about problems in this world, and they made videos publicly available for playback on their web site. Now the videos have accumulated to very large quantity and they have started to air them on the network and are replayed 24/7. So it would be cool to also create a TV channel for Desteni where videos about equality and self-realisation would be aired. These are all the potential, waiting to be manifested in the future in order to speed the process of creating heaven on earth.
.

2011 - Bulding self-trust

Within communication with other I have been noticing how my self-trust has increased by speaking to others in self-honesty and within principle of what is best for all. I am paying attention to my thoughts and I stop them whenever I notice them, and do not accept any justifications about what they are good for. I focus on my breath, and if thoughts are too strong, I speak out self-forgiveness and massage my physical body in order to ground myself and return to what is here. I keep explaining people how emotional reactions have only destructive consequences in spite of general believe that emotions are important component in our lives. People try to convince me that I am cold, since I do not allow subconscious emotional reactions, instead of they realising that they are the ones who are in fact not able to live here and support all life equally due to theirs mind end emotional possessions that is manifestation of separation from what is actually here.

In the past a lot of subconscious fear emerged due to my allowed and accepted believes that I need to behave nicely and do what others say and disregard the consequences of my actions in the perspective of totality of existence, but now I have started to take more and more self-responsibility for my actions and not allowing myself to do anything that results in harming other living beings that live with me in this reality. I am careful that my actions are not based on my self-interest, but on what is best for all. Being the administrator of the FaceBook group that I created a few weeks ago is a great test for me where I constantly have to be careful not to act from the point of being something more, but to treat others as one and equal and direct them towards self-realisation by introducing them with practical functional tools that Desteni presented, especially the online training, called 'Desteni I Process'.

I experience myself that I am taking more and more control of my conscious mind, but there is still a lot to do. I sometimes experience subtle subconscious and unconscious emotional reactions that manifest as itching on the skin. So I do not fool myself by allowing the believe that I have purified myself totally, since I have in fact hardly begun to scratch the surface of my mind. Ego is great master of self-deception, but I do allow him to posses me anymore. I stop all my self-interest and do onto others as I would like others to do onto me. I stared to give more in order in order to receive more. I plan and invest into projects that are supporting world equality, especially the 'Equal Money System' that will practically manifest heaven on earth. I do all my Desteni I Process assignment, write at least one supportive blog per week and many more blogs and vlogs, in order to support myself in the process of self-realisation more effectively. It is all about self, since self is that creates reality, thus reality will improve with aligning of self with the principle of equality and what is best for all. I stop all energy possessions, I birth myself as life from the psychical and support others as one and equal till eternity.
.

2011 - Moving forward, slowly but effectively

For the past four days I felt extremely physically tired. The weather changed and the cold, cloudy and rainy days have started to influence my mood. While in the clear, warm and sunny weather I do not feel like lying in the bed during the day, I had no problems with extended resting and sleeping in past several days. I am living very comfortable life now, at the top apartment of my father's house, I have my own kitchen, separate bathroom and living room with computer, so I practically do not need to leave the apartment in order to work, because it is all related to internet. Since I also have a laptop computer, I sometimes wake up, grab the computer, answer messages and write Desteni I Process blogs without even standing up from the bed. And when I feel like taking a break, I simply close the computer and take a nap. So it can already be noon and I am still in the bed. And this does not mean that I have done no work, it is just that I even do not need to leave my bed in order to do the work.

Of course this kind of life is just temporary, since I will move to Ljubljana as soon as I find appropriate place to live and do my business. And I also plan to stop working alone, as a freelancer, but to employ at least one person. For the past 10 years I have worked alone because I perceived that employing someone would be too much struggle for me due to constant need of providing enough work that would bring sufficient income to pay off the salary to the employees. While living and working alone in my own apartment, I had a very little monthly costs, so I practically did not pay even the minimum salary for myself. If I would employ someone, the minimum salary with all the taxes would be so big that I would have to increase my income for at least 4 times in order to pay the worker.

But now I have different agenda. I have sold my apartment so I have enough money to invest in projects that will make this world permanently a better place for everyone. I have started to follow the words 'Give and you shall receive' and I am investing all my money into changing this system into Equal Money System that will provide equally for all living beings. I am starting a new licensed business of creating and selling Desteni promotional accessories and I expect that this business will return my investment many times in couple of years. Thus I plan to rent a house where there will be enough space to live and do the business and I plan to hire at least one person to assist me with this job. I search for company who will be able to create excellent online shop to sell the products worldwide and I will invite the best graphic designers to contribute their artworks for Desteni merchandising products.

So in the future I will change my focus from jobs where I had to do all the creative and computer relate work, into managing in organising the projects and let other people to do the finalisation of project details. I will also continue to work as and Desteni I Process recruiter that will also bring me large additional income in several years. And I will start writing a book 'What photography will be in an Equal Money System', as Bernard suggested. In order to write this book, I plan to do research and interviews with many people, involved in photography business in order to get the feedback of how photography has been influenced by money in past years and to picture out how it will change when fear of survival will be removed when equality system will be in place. And since I have purchased a professional video camera, as addition to this book, I consider to also produce a full documentary about the photography business. So many projects ahead that will keep me and many other people busy for many years.

Currently I am also testing different approaches of how to introduce as many people as possible with Desteni message and invite them to participate in Desteni I Process. For this purposes I created a FaceBook group 'Praktično ustvarjanje raja na zemlji' (Creating heaven on earth practically), and I invited many people to join the group by posting invitation to their wall. The number of group members started to grow very fast, but then I noticed that some have started to emotionally react to posted Desteni material and left the group. These were mostly older people and the lightworkers, so I learned only to invite younger people in this group, who have not too many pretty pictures in their profiles. And I have wrote a detailed and strict descriptions of the rules of participation in the group in order to be clear what to expect and how to behave in the group. Now only serious people join, and there is no more emotional comments.

In addition to inviting people to the group by sending direct messages and making new friends, I also started to test the effectiveness of FaceBook ads. I created an ad for the group and I cover the costs of advertisement with my credit cart. I choose the ad to be displayed in profiles of people age from 18 to 40 years, who are funs of spiritual and self-realisation books, movies and pages like 'The Secret' and what not. I choose the option of paying per click and selected minimum price of 0,2 € per click and I set the daily budge to 10 €. Now the ad campaign has been running for one week, with average of 100.000 impressions and 70 clicks per day. And the result of this is that about 10 people per day joined the group. So the cost is about 1 € per one new group member which I consider to be very effective investment. So I invite others to also create similar groups and invest in new members in order to attract recruits for the Desteni I Process life coaching program.
.

2011 - Silverpoint time share holidays & vacation club

A week ago some man called me on the phone and invited me to come to presentation of Silverpoint holidays program at Vila Bled hotel and they will give me a gift in form of dinner for two persons or something similar if I come. I explained the man that I am not going on holidays very much and that I am now focusing on projects to make myself and this world a better place. The man said that he is also interesting in knowing more about my projects, so I decided to come in order to spread the information about Desteni solutions to practically manifest heaven on earth.

So yesterday I went to Vila Bled which was the residence of the president of the ex Socialistic Federal Republic of Yugoslavia with name Josip Broz - Tito. Firstly some young woman registered me and checked my contact information and then some other young woman escorted me out to the next building with nice panoramic view on Bled lake, island and castle. Then we went to a big room with a lot of small round tables where singles or couples would chat with one of the representatives of the Silverpoint company. And there were a lot of big vertical posters, positioned all around the walls with attractive pictures of the Silverpoint holiday resorts around the world. So also the girl who was assigned to me and me picked one free table, fetched a drink and started the conversation.

She introduced herself, explained that the presentation will take about 90 minutes (in fact it took 3 hours) and that I their offer is valid only for today, so I will have to decide immediately if I want to take it or not. Then she continued by asking me some questions about my holiday habits and filled them by hand in the paper form. When we were done with profiling my vacation preferences, she started to give me details what Silverpoint is about. She showed me a lot of pictures of their resorts and made a financial compartment in order to convince me that their offer is the best in terms of financial savings and also in terms or superior quality of holiday resorts.

The point of Silverpoint is that you decide for a membership by which you become a life-time owner of one of the apartments in one of their resorts. And then you pay each year only a maintenance fee of about 300 €. So you then have the opportunity to go to that resort any time in whole year or rent your place to other people to use it while you are not there. And the best point is that you can exchange your apartment with any other location in Silverpoint network, so you that you are able to go to any Silverpoint resort in the world. The philosophy is to save money by not having to pay for all the fees, advertisements and manipulation costs that travel agencies charge, since Silverpoint actually buys the resorts and thus by owning it the costs of holidays dramatically reduces. They also take care that their resort are top quality, so at least 5 or even 6 stars.

While their female representative was explaining all this things to me, using words like 'beautiful', 'positive energy' and 'nice feelings' I started to explain her that beauty is only the accepted definition and when you define something as 'beautiful', you automatically also define other things as 'ugly' and thus create the separation and inequality in this existence. And in regards to feelings, they are all the energy, created by friction or conflict between reality and your accepted and allowed believes, ideals and definitions in your mind. So why creating the definition of some environment to be 'ugly' and 'exhausting' and then needing to have some 'beautiful holidays' somewhere far away, when you can simply breathe effectively, remain here and accept the current reality the way it is?

The concept of time-sharing locations is great, but why not sharing every single resource in this world equally among all living beings? I explained her that if she is really interested in providing everyone with the best and cheapest holiday experience, she should research and support the Equal Money System. This is a concepts where we would not need to buy propriety and then share it, since there will be no actual ownership anymore. And you will not need to work in exhausting conditions and fight to earn your money, since all your needs will be covered by the system. When her supervisor, that was an English speaking gentlemen, joined our table, I also explained him the Desteni vision of practically creating the heaven on earth, but he would not want to listen or take the my Desteni leaflet, arguing that he is fine with believing in god, doing some small charity and that changing this world is pure illusion.

But what is here impossible to do in this world? Silverpoint proved that when enough people join and support some solution, the quality of life increases and prices drop dramatically. So this is exactly what we are doing at Desteni. We are creating a global network of people who work together for the ultimate 'holidays' that will last from birth to death. We want to "own" the whole world and then we will have the whole planet available to share among each living being equally, so there will be no more scarcity, no more hunger and wars, but peaceful co-existence in perfect harmony. But firstly, the same way as the Silverpoint members, we have to invest in this paradise, and the Desteni I Process is the way to do it. We remove everything what separates us in our minds and then we remove all the laws that separate us from earth resources. So if you want to invest in the 'cheapest and most luxurious life-time holidays', I invite you to join Desteni that will enable the full unlimited expression of life on this world.
.

2011 - Attending Studio 12 video production workshop

For the last several days I have been visiting our capital city Ljubljana quite frequently due to looking of possible locations for my apartment and business office. Today I have checked out one very interesting room in the basement of Geodesic Administration of Republic of Slovenia. The drive way is very nice, room is about 3,5 meters high which is a minimum for my plans to have a photography and videography business there. After holidays they will send me a draft of the contract with detailed pricing. I am a bit worried about the expense of renting a business place, since I have never rented any place before, so this will push and motivate me more in doing some business that will enable me to cover all the costs of the rent.

After that I went to Studio 12 video production media house which is located in the apartment block near one of our two biggest brewery called Union. I have wanted to join the Studio 12 production several years ago since they started to produce videos about spirituality, self-realisation, new age, health, society, politics and education, so they are some sort of alternative non-profit media house. They have a small blue-screen studio, several cameras and field video mixing gadget which enables them to do live shows and direct internet broadcasts. A week ago I received invitation to advanced business video workshop. It will last two days, for 5 hours each day and today we had a video production theory that included knowledge about pre-production, production and post-production. And tomorrow we will practically work with computers using Adobe Premiere video editing software.

We are about 7 attendees, most of them are elementary and high school representatives, and others are from non-government organisations. We had opportunity at the beginning of the workshop to introduce ourselves, and I also introduced them with Desteni shortly, but the workshop organiser did not allowed me to tell the full story due to limited time. So I will give to all attendees a leaflet with links to check Desteni out if they are interested.

I am also very excited since I received notice that the tripod for the video camera with the latest fluid head from Manfrotto arrived and that I may pick it whenever I want. I do not need the tripod yet since it will take about 20 more days for the video camera and backpack to be delivered, but I consider to be very cool to pick it up at Kranj city tomorrow morning and show it at the Studio 12 video workshop since the video head is the latest model with so called Bridge technology. Maybe some of the attendees will become excited about it and also decide to buy it. I am so fun about new technological gadgetry, but I buy only those that I can practically use, mostly for my business. So everything is carefully planned investment, expected to pay off in the future.

After the workshop I also visited some young web site developer that has office at Arboretum Volčji Potok and impressed me with his web site works, mostly in the field of spirituality, and he also created a web portal that combines the information from the new age field. His web sites are very clean, fast and functional, so I decided to give him the job of developing the web store for the Desteni Merchandise products. We had about one hour talk where I explained him the details about Desteni and my plans of starting the business of creating and selling Desteni accessories, and he will prepare for me the estimation of the cost for the web site development.

Yesterday was the due date for my Desteni I Process assignment but I still need to do the final two steps of components and self-forgiveness. I planned to do it today but I had too much resistance, not being able to focus enough for this hind of stuff. So I plan to do this tomorrow, after the last day of video workshop, when the excitements will be over.
.

2011 - Opening of Theosophic library in Celje

A week ago I received invitation to opening ceremony of theosophic library and reading room in Celje city that was named by famous Slovenian female theosophist Alma Maksimiljana Karlin. Celje is quite far from where I live, about 1,5 hours of highway driving so I was wondering if I should go or not. But then I remembered that I have some books from my deep spiritual study in past 10 years that I wanted to give away. I already sent an mail to Nova Akropola cultural society in Ljubljana city who also study religions months ago, but I did not receive any answers from them. So I thought that this would now be at least a cool opportunity to give my books to someone that would appreciate them. The largest work that I still had was the Arcana Coelestia, which is the largest work of Christian mystic Emanuel Swedenborg that lived in 17. century and it encompasses 14 thick books, explaining all the details of heaven and hell and how the Bible has been misinterpreted by most of Christian priests.

So I went yesterday to opening of the library in Celje which started at 7 p.m. and entered the library room, carrying a heavy box full of books in my arms. I had to remove my shoes and put on the slippers since this was the rule of the library. The head of library greeted me and I gave him the books. He was very excited and I also gave him some flyers with links to Desteni web sites for him to check them later. At about 19:10 the opening ceremony started. It was just a simple speech with the head of library siting on his chair while the rest of us, about 15 people, were sitting on the chairs, positioned in shape of an arch. At the end of explaining the troubles that they had to establish the library and get the appropriate space for it, he became very emotional and almost started to cry. I then thought how cool it would be if he would join the Desteni I Process self-realisation program where he would learn how to breathe effectively, stay here and not allow himself to accept any thoughts that create friction between his mind reality and physical reality and thus produce energy of emotions and feelings.

After his speech it was time for the next speaker to give us some words. It was the priest of Slovenian Free Catholic Church that I already known for several years. I have been attending some theosophic summer camps in the past years where I participated on some rituals that he executed. I was not very fun of that, since what those rituals do is separate people from what is here and bring them in their minds where they create and project superior alternative realities that do not allow them to understand the totality of reality. But I did not allow myself to project my past memories onto this moment and thus create judgement towards this priest. I breathed effectively and gave him the opportunity to speak. And it was quite interesting when he explained the principles of theosophic society that support equality very much. From the beginning of this society in 1875, all members had to be equal, regardless of the colour of the skin, social and work position, cast, sex, and religious believes. So they brought a great social revolution and their books also inspired Mahatma Gandhi to start the social revolution in India. So all this was very cool to hear and I expected for them to also become very excited about Desteni, since its solutions like Equal Money System are also all about bringing equality among all living beings in this world.

But then the priest suggested us to have a ritual where we would integrate the Great Invocation. I have been doing this invocation for many times in past years when I worked as a lightworker in some tantric group in Ljubljana. It is about closing your eyes and then in succession focusing your attention on several chakras on your body while speaking out some words of light and love. But since I learned at Desteni, that this kind of rituals only trap you in the mind, and that whatever you create in your mind does not have any influence on this physical reality whatsoever, I did not participate in this ceremony. So while other have closed their eyes and gone in their minds, I kept my eyes open, breathed, had some minor body massage and remained here. After the ceremony we had a snack and I talked with some people that I known from before and with some new ones. But then I realised that there is no point of dealing with those people, since how can there be a true harmony if different believes are tolerated. Any believe represents alternative mind reality that is not aligned with universal physical reality and is thus a lie and manifestation of separation. Thus how can there be true equality and oneness if different religions = lies are still allowed. It is common sensical that mind beliefs = lies and physical reality = truth can never coexist.

Thus I invite everyone to research this fact that Desteni is presenting and join the Desteni I Process program for self-realisation where you are able also to create a stable financial income for yourself and learn how to effectively unplug yourself from your illusional mind reality and birth yourself as life from the physical. There can be no heaven on earth as long as we all live in our fantasies of the mind. Only after we start to live just as physical bodies and by physical laws, the conditions are established for true oneness and to live here in full harmony.
.

2011 - Observing myself from point of all existence

I am more and more sorting out my life, and yesterday I have tidied up all my stuff so the kitchen and living room and computer desk is finally clean thus I can now fully focus on my projects. Now I have to process the photos from my blogging in nature and from one business projects where I shot the photos for one wine producer. Then I could also start to edit videos from my visit at Desteni farm. I am still learning the professional video editing software and all the points that I need to learn are quite extensive. I want to make the best of the video clips so I want to firstly know what is possible to do with this tools in order to produce high quality of the final videos. I have also decided to buy a professional video camera and I plan to produce high quality videos that would support Desteni and equality system. Since I plan to do a lot of shots also in nature, I plan also to buy a pro video camera backpack that will enable me to carry the camera everywhere, also to the high mountains. I will then invite Destonians from Slovenia to come with the script to produce many interesting videos to expose atrocities of this world and introduce Desteni solutions to the masses.

While studying how to use video editing software I became overwhelmed with the extensive options to pimp-up the projects. You can get in great perfection in regards to clip sequencing, transitions, colour toning, special effects, and audio is also very important point here. I visited some video studio and saw how many people collaborate on video projects. Script editors, directors, camera operators, boom audio operators, green keying masters, scene artists, sound masters, speakers, actors, costume creators, video editors, and many assistants that carry and set extensive amount of all sort of technical equipment. So video is quite a complex and time consuming product and it needs a lot of people and very detailed planning in order to bring the perfect result. Of course one man can also create video projects from start to beginning, and I will firstly practice at video creation as one man band, and then expand as the projects will get more extensive.

I wonder what is happening with my recruit since he missed our first online chat and he has not been responding to my emails ever since. I sent him my introduction videos and blogs in order for him to find out more about me, and maybe he got scared about all that stuff and has quit. Or maybe he has some other projects on his mind and does not have time to start the process yet. I will never know exactly what is going on in his life currently until he reconnects with me. Since he is very far away, in China, I am not able to contact him easily. So all that I have left is wait for him to contact me again.

Past Friday was quite exhausting day since I went to capital city Ljubljana, and had a few meetings, shopping and apartment inspection. While driving in the car I now usually do some voice recordings and make vlogs when I return home. So I produced three extensive vlogs that explain Desteni solutions like Equal Money System, why it is impossible to have no money system, and how Desteni relates to Buddhism. I have started to reply people's questions in form of vlogs since it is very practical and I do not have to constantly repeat myself and answer frequent questions all the time. Some people have reacted to my voice, since I speak very strongly, thinking that I am angry. But this is just the way of pushing myself to voice myself, since I have been all my life very quiet and did not speak much. When speaking in the company, others had difficult to hear me due to my quiet voice, but now I am pushing myself to express myself vocally and speak out as true self, as the physical, from starting point of self-honesty and what is best for all.

Yesterday on Saturday I did a lot of things and my head started to feel very heavy. My whole body became very tired at the evening, also due to a lot of physical activity since I transported a lot of things to the attic in order to make more place in my living room. I went to bed quite early, about 8 p.m., and I have now a bucket prepared in case if vertigo and nausea would hit me again in the bed. I woke up at 6 a.m. and I feel very rested and my head is clear. When falling to sleep I was wondering about myself, about who I am in relation to all the existence and how do other perceive me and my actions. All my life I have been in a position of submissive person and waiting for others to tell me what I do. I did not direct myself towards what is best for all, but just to please people around me in order to protect my life style and my personality. And yesterday I tried to see myself through the eyes of others and understand that I need to release my addiction to other people's opinion and become totally independent and take full responsibility for everything I do. For the first time I saw me as part of life and decided to change myself completely in order to become functional an supportive part of this existence.

I need now to end my writing since I have to go to Jesenice and pick my grandmother and then drive her here and then to her religious group meeting, like I do every Sunday. The weather is expecting to be clear and sunny, and I might go to mountains for several hours, because it has been a week since my last hiking. I also need to complete my mind construct for the Desteni I Process course since I have been procrastinating with it for many days.
.

2011 - I got my first recruit

It is 1am and I again can't sleep. After last self-forgiveness, I felt very refreshed and my head was crystal clear the next day, but now thoughts started to accumulate again, so it is time to do some more writing.

Yesterday morning when I woke up, my body felt very tired and my muscles hurt, obviously from the extensive mountain climbing several days ago. Only now muscles started to regenerate, so I decided to listen to my physical body and continue to rest. The weather also started to become more cold and cloudy, and perhaps this contributed to my feeling of sleepiness. It was not until 12 a.m. when I finally made myself to go out of my bed.

I had I first online chat scheduled with my first Desteni I Process recruit who became my FaceBook friend just four days ago, and he immediately went to recruitment centre and selected me as his recruiter. And what is even more strange is, that he is Slovenian, but moved to China several years ago, got married there and now he has been working there ever since. We have a 6 hours time difference, and since he wanted to chat with me at 7 p.m. China time, I needed to wait for him at 1 p.m. Central European time. Since I learned that things can never go exactly according to plans, I stated to write my Slovenian blog post while staying online and waiting for him to connect with me via Skype. I finished my blog post at 3:30 p.m., but he still did not connect. So I then sent him a message to arrange for another time frame.

I then watched and shared the new Desteni videos and communicated on the new Slovenian FaceBook group that I created a week ago called Practical Manifestation of Heaven on Earth. I invited many FaceBook friends of mine in this group, but some have started to react on published material and allowed themselves to emotionally react. I tried to explain them the points, but it was in vain. They became totally pissed of and complained that there is too little love and acceptance in this group and that they do not feel good, so they left. And it is cool that they left the group, since I want only the ones that are willing to stand up for life and equality to participate.

All the people who left were over 40 years old and they all had many experiences in field of spirituality end esoteric new age. I had a hunch that these people will be problematic the first moment when I checked their profile, but I wanted to give them a chance. Now I learned that it is better to listen to myself and understand that older and spiritual people are the last who will want to really change themselves and support all living beings as one and equal. So I will be focusing only on those who are younger, from about 20 - 30 years of age, who are not drug or alcohol or emotional addicts.

It is 2 a.m. and I feel tired. Too tired to continue to write. I wander if I should push myself and write more and even do some self-forgiveness, or was it enough to write this in order to calm my mind and become able to fall asleep. Or maybe this is just my ego justification, protecting itself. My eyes are getting heavy, and I decided that I will rather stop and try to sleep and continue next time. I have many plans today, I plan to go to Ljubljana, test the video camera, buy some stuff, meet some people, check some real estates, so it is better to give myself a good sleep.
.

2011 - Exposing nasty tricks of my ego

It is 3am and I am not able to sleep. This is a very rare case and I can not remember the last case when the thoughts did not let me to rest. I also feel a bit of muscle pain in legs and shoulders, probably due to starting to go in the mountains twice a week and picking very steep slopes and using walking sticks. I went to bed 2 hours ago, so that will be at 1am. I have been indoor for the whole day and did not go outside even for a bit, and I spent a lot of time in front of computer. I have started to clean the mess in my room, so I managed to tidy up the bags and photo equipment, sort out all the papers, pay all the bills, wash the dishes, so my living room floor, computer desk and kitchen is now in order. All that is still left to do is to iron the laundry and I am basically done.

So yesterday afternoon, after I finished the main stuff, I have continued to think about if I should also buy low-entry professional camcorder in order to have more options for shooting video and also add professional video services to my professional photography services. Now I have already invested a lot in still and studio photography, and the DSLR camera that I bought is also able to shoot Full HD video. I basically wanted to buy the DSLR with video capability due to need of shooting vlogs for my Desteni I Process. I previously recorded some vlogs on my MacBook that has integrated camera, but I was not satisfied with the low resolution and my face blown-up due to perspective distortion. And now, after I purchased the DSLR with video capability, I found out that it can shoot maximum 20 minutes of continuous video. That would be sufficient until recently, since YouTube limited the length of uploaded videos to firstly 10 minutes and then to 15 minutes.

But then my English YouTube channel got automatically upgraded to more that 15 minutes, so I am now able to shoot vlogs with basically unlimited length. This is very cool, since I was not fun of having to set the stop watch and constantly watch the time in order to finish talking before I reach the video length limit. So now I am procrastinating with shooting vlogs due to excuse that I will not feel totally comfortable and relaxed due to DSLR camera 20 minutes limitation. I want to be able to have a camera that would record at least one hour of continuous video in order for me not having to fear that the camera will stop recording before I say whatever I want to say. Thus yesterday I have been checking different video camera models that will be the best combination of quality, ergonomics, capability and price range in order to use it for my vlogs as also for professional videography. I also want to buy a more stable video camera tripod with the video head that would allow me much more smooth video panning. And I even checked the models of glidecam video camera support systems that would enable me to shoot stable video even during walking or running.

I love to shoot photos and video, but the part that I dislike the most is the post-production, especially in moving pictures. Even in still photography there is a lot of options to adjust colour, do retouch, different composition, so I could spend hours, even days enhancing one single photo. And now in the video, you have 30 picture per second. They are of course much lower resolution in comparison to still photos, and you have almost none options of cropping and rotating the video, but now you have a timeline to deal with and also sound to be careful about. So it takes extensive amount of time to edit and then also to render the video, and there are a lot of options for colour manipulation and to do special video effects. You can practically create virtual video scene just using the computer. And with the combination with the green screen keying there is even more potentials of combining video clips and express yourself in video artistry. While considering all this, I have to be careful about not get carried away and ignore the rest of my life that is more important that doing the graphic, photo and video creative work. I need to stop being so perfectionistic, but even this would be in order of I would not be in a way restless inside, full of self-judgement about what I do.

This patterns of trying to do the best, of being perfect is very troublesome phenomena. It is hard to be the judge of when the product is perfect enough and when it is time to stop and say: "It is finished". It is strange the rules of beauty, the "sacred" geometry,  the golden ratio, the Fibonacci spiral, a pre-defined and pre-programmed patterns that trap me in the mind and CON-sciousness. Where is here life, where is here the freedom of expression, the awareness of the totality of what exists here? And in spite of me being a successful freelancer and apparently model member of society, there is a lot of subtle conflicts existing deep inside of me. The invisible enemy within, the self-deceiver, the cunning back-chat that is destroying me without me consciously being aware off it. It accumulates very slowly, very silently, and then it hits me with brutal force without warning. I mean, there are warning, but they are so subtle that I miss to notice them and ignore them as unimportant. But basically it is still my responsibility and there is no place for justification. It is I who deliberately ignored all the warnings, and allowed myself for the energetic feelings of the mind to seduce me and totally blind be.

And now the consequences get manifested faster and faster, so there is no room for me to bullshit any longer, things are getting fucking serious. For example just before I went to sleep today, I was checking the mail and noticed six of email notifications that Blaž sent me while sharing the documents for translation of Equal Money System book. I opened the messages and noticed that it were just links to Google Docs files and that I dont's need them, since I am able to find the files any time by logging into my Google account. So I selected all six of messages and wanted to click on delete button. But in the moment of clicking the button - BOOM. My head shifted left in a blink of an eye for about 10 centimetres and HELLO VERTIGO! I think: "Fuck, what the hell, not again!" But luckily it did not persist and I was able to quite normally go to the bathroom and to the bed. But o my, is this a tricky phenomena. I must of had some very tiny subconscious reaction, some kind of fear or anxiety that triggered this vertigo. This is such interesting support, disabling me to allow any kind of subconscious self-judgements. I am in a way thankful for that kind of support from the physical, but it is so very hard to be clear inside, without holding to any conflicting definition.

The FEAR! I will definitely need to work more on removing the fear patterns, all the self-judgements that I have accepted and allowed and projected towards others instead of taking responsibility for their creation and self-forgiving them. I have noticed that I have become much more emotionally stable, that I have been able to communicate with others without projecting my emotional reactions in my words, talking by using common sense and what is best for all, but this has been only my personality disguise. I feel like I am able to support others to benefit from Desteni tools of self-realisation and support the equality system consciously, but there is a lot of work to do in my subconscious and unconscious level of the mind. Constant back-chat, voices in my head that make me think if what I do is right, if it is the best, if there is maybe not a better way to do it, and the feeling that there is no time, that I need to hurry, to rush, before this world goes to hell completely. A complex of saviour, of light warrior on the mission to fight the darkness and remove all the evil from existence. Without being aware that true evil is inside me, that it is deep in my mind, using all sort of tricks. Ego is the master of deception, and I need to start recognising all his tricks before it will destroy me completely.

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to forget to breathe effectively and thus allowing my mind to move and thought to be produced, instead of realising that absolute attention on my breath in every moment need to be held in order for me to stay here and direct myself towards what is best for all without the past of holding me in its claws.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to be afraid that I will not be able to support myself if I invest too much money in my professional equipment, that I might run out of money and not be able to get enough clients that will be able to pay for my services, instead of realising that even if I buy a very expensive camera, I will still have enough money left to pay for all my basic need for several years.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to ask too many people on the FaceBook to become my friends due to my obsession with introducing as many people as possible with Desteni solution and thus compromising my FaceBook profile to be blocked, instead of realising that I need to slow down extensively and focus on my own process, and that in time enough people will find out about Desteni to finally practically manifest heaven on earth.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to procrastinate at doing my vlogs, fearing that others will judge me if I vlog using only monitor-integrated video camera due to low resolution and perspective distortion and that they will make fun of me, instead of realising that vlogs are not to impress others with visual quality, but to support myself in total self-honesty, helping me to get aware of my mind-patterns, and thus quality of video is really not important as long as audio is good enough for others to hear me clearly what I am saying in order to support me and point out any subtle self-deceptions.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to procrastinate with editing the photos that I shot for a client that is my father's friend due to my father not pushing me constantly, instead of realising that I need to take good care about my business and make the professional jobs my priority in order to be effective in this reality and not get completely broke due to believe that money is bad and that I am not worth of becoming wealthy.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to rush and be afraid that I will run out of time and thus not being effective at finishing all my projects, instead of realising that the time is only the projection of the mind, that what matters is only what is here, and that I need to organise my time, breathe effectively and complete all the projects breathe by breathe, one at a time.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to become overwhelmed with the potentials of expression using digital technology and loosing myself in all the options, instead of realising that I will never need all the options and be able to learn all the tricks, and that this is completely irrelevant, since I need to learn and use only the options that are required to successfully complete my projects.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to use words to justify my ego, thinking that only talking will also sort my mind bullshit, instead of realising that I will be able to purify my true self only with focusing on myself and in total self-honesty and self-forgive all tiny self-deceptions, without any want to be or become something more that others due to doing the process of self-realisation.
   
   
9. I focus on myself, support myself firstly, do the process with total self-honesty and complete dedication, as one and equal with others, take care of my private and business life, and then only spending the rest of my time to share information about Desteni with others.
   

It is 5:30am, I feel like I have done enough for this moment and I will continue to face myself without mercy in my next blogs and vlogs.
.

2011 - Fear attacked me again, stronger than ever

Today fear attacked me once again. It has been about 6 weeks since the last attack that happened while I was visiting Desteni farm in South Africa. Bernard warned me that if I continue my activities without effectively doing my process, it will reappear. But I did not believe that it will happen again since I perceived the support on the farm to be effective enough to release the most of the fear energy from my body. But I was wrong. Terribly wrong. Today in the morning, while I was lying in the bed, in the moment when I started to wake up from my sleep, it hit me stronger than ever. It was immediate vertigo, making me totally helpless and not able to move even a bit. All what I could do is to stay laying down and breathe. Then the temperature of my body increased and I started to sweat extensively. I mean, I was soaking wet, like if I would jump in the water. I expected for vertigo to go away soon, as usual, but it just continued and continued. Then, after a while, nausea started to appear and I had to vomit. I started to rise while vertigo making me very unstable and I rushed to the toilet next door. I vomited, but of course only saliva, since my stomach digested all the food during the night. After I while I returned to bed and continued to lye down, waiting for vertigo to disappear. But it still persisted, and even nausea reappeared again. It was so strong and sudden that I was unable to stand up and go to bathroom, so I just opened the drawer of the bedside cabinet and puked into it. This nausea attack continued and I puked in the cabinet for more than 10 times. I don't know exactly when I firstly woke up and when the vertigo finally completely went away, but I have a feeling that it took at least 3 hours. After it passed, I rouse up, cleaned the cabinet and took a shower.

While experiencing fear attack, I felt that is was coming out of my belly region, a few centimetres bellow my belly button, and it spread throughout my whole body. Parallel to this feeling, a lot of thoughts flashed through my head. It were all the thought of fear about what others might say, how others will judge me, criticise me, and not accept me. This back-chat followed me also yesterday when I was working on computer, sharing information about Desteni, and before that, when I went to the mountains for a couple of hours. I have now decided that I will climb at least one big hill twice a week to ground myself and to loose excessive weight that accumulated due to lack of physical activity in past several months. I take my laptop and camera with me so I can blog in nature and do some auto portraits of myself blogging at interesting locations. While I walk up the hills, I pay attention to breathe effectively and not allow any thought to run through my head. If I am not able to stop them by breathing, I stop and speak out self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement. But the back-chat is very persistent, and it bothers me constantly. Especially about what people could think when I publish my photos of blogging in nature on my FaceBook profile. If I title them "Blogging in nature", will they see this only me, wanting to make myself important, will they become envious, will they judge me? Because I did not actually blog on every specific place where I took the picture. Sometimes it started to rain when I reached the top of the mountain, sometimes it was already so late that I had to return in order to escape darkness, and sometimes the place with the interesting view was too uncomfortable to blog. So I will have to include this info in the description of my photo gallery in order to be completely honest about that. Basically my starting point was just to show a bit of my surrounding while making the pictures more interesting by putting myself blogging in it and thus also inviting other to also start to write themselves to freedom.

Lately I have been very obsessed with sharing information about Desteni, creating a new FaceBook group, and doing extensive comments as many people have asked questions and needed explanation. My room is total mess, the same with my kitchen, since I procrastinate to tidy things up due to defining this as unimportant. It is time to stop this obsession and support myself first. I have allowed myself to play a role of saviour, of the one who needs to fix this world, without understanding that I have to fix myself firstly. I see a lot of this mind patterns to come from my father, who has all his life helped others, made a lot of technological improvements and innovations, and is still trying to impress others by creating products that captivate his clients. And he raised me to be the same, even better, to use latest technology and computers in order to create great graphic designs. But he did not care much about focusing on self and doing some kind of intense realisation techniques. So I have to break this spell of the past, of how I was raised, and start to support myself more effectively and not being so dependant from other's people opinions. I do not need for others to tell me what is right and what is wrong, since it is always their own opinion, based on their own accepted and allowed believes and desires, and this is not the ultimate truth at all. I am able to clearly support myself by moving breath by breath, applying simple principle of what is best for all. So no fear needs to be created of what others might think if I do what is best for all. By following this principle, I never harm anyone and thus I do not have to fear that others will also want to harm me. But of course, I will have to be careful that what I do is really what is best for all, and it is best to check with more people for their perspective in order to remove my subtle self-deceptions of believing that something I do is best for all while in fact it is not.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that it is best for me to share Desteni information to others as much as possible, making sure that everyone's question is answered, any comment replied, every friendship accepted, and then only spending rest of the time for my personal stuff, instead of realising that it is not for me to be the head of Desteni Slovenia and do all the correspondence, that it is enough material out there on the internet for everyone to research for themselves if they are really interested in self-purification and making this world a better place.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear that if I do not prove myself with constant sharing of solutions for this world, others will not accept me as model member of society, instead of realising that I have a limited capacity of supporting solutions that will bring a better world, and that I will only be able to participate effectively if I firstly take good care of my personal life and then only spend the rest of my time on changing the system and supporting others.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be judged by others if they see my pictures of me blogging, fearing that they will interpret them as me bragging, instead of realising that picture is simply a picture, a bunch of pixels, and whatever observer imagines that the picture represents, it is his own created believe in his mind and it has nothing to do what the picture really is, namely just a collection of colours and shapes.
   
   
4. I will always put the priority of sorting out my personal physical reality, the next point will be doing my Desteni I Process, and only the rest of the time will I dedicate to share Desteni information. Self-support first, otherwise I will not be able to support anyone else effectively. 

.

2011 - Going deeper in my mind-patterns

After my last blog post, where I asked for additional support, I have been given very detailed support that have assisted me a lot in realising my procrastination at going deeper into my mind and releasing my unconscious mind patterns. I have perceived that my process is adequate since I have done all the Desteni I Process assignment in time. I associated it with public schools programs where you pass if you do all the assignment and then get a degree. So I relied on my buddy to direct me and tell me what I need to do, and focusing the rest of my time to promote Desteni and other personal and business stuff. But after others have expressed their perspective that I am not changing, I have started to realise that in eyes of others my process is not adequate at all. They expected me to be more active in effective self-correction and are pushing me into focusing more on my process and slowing down at spreading the Desteni message. They have told me, that Desteni is not about doing certain things in certain way, but changing yourself to what is best for all. So it is not important what I do, but who I am at what I do. I am still trying to live certain personality and present myself to others as some acceptable part of society, while my true self is not changing at all. I was not aware of that and I am thankful for others to expose my self-deception. However I have decided to face myself fully and do what it needs to be done in order to become acceptable part of this reality, in order to become a supporter of all life from the totality of what I consist of.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that Desteni I Process is like ordinary school where you receive some knowledge and information and then you are done, instead of realising that the process is about becoming self-directive in changing yourself towards what is best for all and that this process never ends.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to blog and vlog from starting point of presenting others the tools and information about Desteni, instead of using blogs and vlogs to support myself and change myself firstly in order to become valid of presenting Desteni to others.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to hide myself behind computer and use the internet as the game where I play the director and direct others in order to get familiar with Desteni, instead of realising that I in the real world am not yet capable of treating others as one and equal as me, so I need to sort myself out firstly.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to compare my age with age of others and believe that I am more self-realised than people who are younger than me, instead of realising that age is not the valid indicator of the level of self-realisation and that I have due to my past way of life, became trapped in my mind extensively.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing myself to compare the length of my process with the length of others and believing that one automatically gets self-realised in time, instead of realising that time has nothing to do with level of self-realisation and that what counts is only the quantity of effective mind deconstruction that one has walked so far.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing myself that it is not important if I change or not, and that what is best for me to do is only focusing on spreading the Desteni message, instead of realising that Desteni is not about talking the information, but actually becoming the living statement of equality and what is best for all.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing myself to make excuses of what I need to do as priority tasks before I fully start focusing on my process, instead of realising that this is only a deception of the mind, trying to prevent me from facing myself here and now.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for allowing myself to perceive others, especially women from starting point of self-interest, analysing their physical body, their knowledge, ability, financial status and self-realisation level and comparing this qualities to what I have accepted to be as acceptable standards, instead of simply accepting the person without any judgement, as one and equal to me, and living this life by supporting each other equally in every single breath.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that my girlfriend needs to be younger than me, and the fear that others will judge me and point fingers on me, if my girlfriend is older than me, instead of realising that this believe is just a part of social programming that I have been exposed to, that it has nothing to do with practical life, and that the only valid indicator if two are to live together, is the ability to walk and support each other as one and equal.
   
   
10. I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to change others and judging others for not changing themselves, instead of realising that change can not be enforced or taught from point of knowledge and information, so the only way of changing others is by me becoming the living change firstly and teaching others by living the change practically.

.

2011 - How to give an effective support

Within my Deseni process of self-realization, I have been given different kind of support by different people. As part of Desteni I Process life coaching program, one is firstly introduced with basic principles of self-realization like Self-Honestly, Self-Directive Principle, What Is Best For All, Common Sense, mathematical equation 1+1=2, and basic tools like Breathing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application. In next stage of Desteni I Process, one is given more advanced tools, like Mind Constructs and Muscle Communication. And as part of the process, one is requested to have a FaceBook profile, blog and YouTube channel using your real name. The process of blogging and vlogging is a very effective self-supportive tool in order to be able to slow down your thoughts, see your mind-patterns, and remove all your accepted and allowed believes, blames, justifications, projections, manipulations and judgements. These are all the information that, when becoming allowed and accepted into you, prevent you from being able to be here and to accept this reality in every moment of your breath, without triggering any subconscious emotions or feelings.

Within the process, we are supporting each other by following each other's blogs, vlogs, social profiles, forum posts and chats. The ones, who are involved in Desteni I Process, we have our buddies, who are responsible for directing us in order to effectively correct ourselves. When necessary, one is also given a specific support in terms of private videos and direct chats from Bernard, and if one comes to visit Desteni farm in South Africa, one is given even stronger and direct support in order to break as many damaging subconscious patterns as possible. But above all, one is expected to as soon as possible to fully become self-directive in terms what is best for all and to become a constant self-support, since eventually one needs to release dependancy on support from others and unconditionally stand as one and equal to all life.

When receiving support in form of others commenting my blogs posts and blogs, I have appreciated some support as valid and very supportive, and I have experienced some support as not valid an not useful at all. Some have started to comment as soon as they started the process and were not familiar with terminology and had not yet reached sufficient level of self-realisation on order to become a valid supporter, and have just tried to fit into Desteni and become accepted. I was one of them, so I then slowed down with commenting and started to focus more on my own process. Then I have also received a support from Destonians who were in process for many years, and perceived themselves as the ones who walk the talk and are unchallenged authority. They have expressed their perspective about how they perceive me and tried to expose me as someone with agendas of self-interest and not valid to be a member of Desteni group.

I have followed the process of those people throughout past year period and have noticed, that they follow their established patterns of communication and that they do not change. These are Destonians who want to be perfect, just, valid, and protectors of Desteni and all what Desteni stands for. They are producing large quantity of blogs and blogs and are active on formus and do extensive commenting. However in spite of what they are writing and saying, with extensive integration of Desteni vocabulary, I have perceived their support as not valid or effective. I see them as extensively integrating Desteni knowledge and information in their minds, but not actually realised it and integrated it into the physical. I see those people as ones who allow themselves to follow someone's process, and then emotionally react on specific words and information that they stumble upon.

These reactions are very subtle, and are related to unconscious mind patterns of wanting to be perfect, self-judgement and wanting to be a part of the group. These people thus make a great effort to present themselves in the group as valid participants by commenting and reporting others to the leaders of the group in order to impress them. They hold onto very highs standards of self-perfection and are thus very judgmental towards others. Their support is thus from an unconscious starting point of blame and criticism, without they realising this fact for themselves. They perceive their support as valid, and became in time very impatient and angry due to perception that one that they have given the support to does not want to change, instead of realising that they themselves are the one who need to change.

One needs to realise, that you are not able to see one who he really is as totality without firstly totally realising yourself. While you are in the process, you can only perceive others from the perspective of your current level of self-realisation. Thus, those that claim themselves to see others as what they really are, while they are still waking the process, is a clear self-deception. You can try to see others, but in the moment when you try to judge others and claim righteousness, you have in fact fallen. From the perspective of totality of existence, the truth is that no one is completely realised until every single being in existence has become self-realised, and this is what in fact means that we are all equal end one.

So if you want to give the support to others in order to speed-up their process of self-realisation, you have to firstly become one and equal with that person and give support as you would like to receive it if you were in that person's shoes. That means that you have to grasp this person as totality of what he has accepted and became and give the support in a way that he will be capable of accepting and integrating it and to functionally increase his level of self-realisation. So understand that if you give support to someone and this person did not change, this is in fact the indicator that you support was not valid, that you have not became one and equal with this person before giving him the support, that you have supported him from starting point of being someone more, using only knowledge and information, thus you need to take you responsibility, forgive and correct yourself.

This goes for all that have been in the Desteni process for many years, including the ones who have established themselves as leaders. So it is a great art to support others effectively and not allowing yourself and kind of subtle projected impatience, blame or judgement. So let the level of change at people who you have supported to be the indicator of the effectiveness of your support. Do not try to project your failure onto others, but correct your approach and walk the process with others as one and equal.
.

2011 - Backchat 24. March 2011

This is the example of writing out the back-chat, which are voices or thoughts in ones head, as support to stop the constant uncontrolled self-chat that distracts us from what is really here. The text will be used to develop the Back-Chat phase of Desteni I Process, it has been checked by my buddy and suggested to be published on Demonology web site and here in my blog as support for others.

I see that it is almost two weeks after I returned from Desteni farm, and I have not uploaded any vlog. I think: “What will Bernard think of me? Will he become angry with me? Will he start to disregard me? Will he ban me? Will he think that I am a lost case?” I do not want to make any moves that will result in banning me from Desteni. My intentions of bringing a better world are serious and I see Desteni as organization that has the best practical solutions for making this true, so I would like to stay at Desteni for good.

I feel to have so less capacity at participating in the process, comparing to others. I see how many blog posts and vlogs do other Destonians produce daily, and I am afraid that others would think that I am lazy, that I do nothing, that I do not participate in the process. There is resistance for doing mind constructs and self-forgiveness, but it is not about the process itself. I am willing to do self-forgiveness all day long, but there are so many other things to do.

I see that today is 24. March. I have checked the mail and I see that we are suppose to do and send mind construct and self-forgiveness for the second influential person by 21. March, so I am already three days behind. What will Andrea think of me? Why did she not send me a remainder already? Does she trust me? Did she check the muscle communication and established that it is not necessary to send me a reminder? Or did she forget since she is busy preparing the backchat course. But I see that 28. March is the deadline for this assignment to be done, so there is still four days left.

I procrastinated at doing the memories until yesterday, when I decided to write memories the whole day. I went out in the forest and took the laptop with me. I wanted to test out if I can slow time down by my physical movement, because when I am at home, time goes by so quick. I remember Bernard telling me, while I was on the farm, something about time. Like that time on the farm is moving slowly. So how does he do that? What is time anyway? How come that we perceive time sometimes to pass slowly and sometimes faster? Is this really valid? Does one really do much more work if you have the perception of time moving slowly? Or is this only the perception? Common sense would say that one could do the same amount of work, regardless of the perception of time moving slowly or faster.

What to do next? I decided to continue with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements today, since I want to finish assignment in time. Yesterday I tested if writing mind constructs in nature would be easier. I imagined how the environment in the woods would inspire me to write more, but when I arrived there, I did not feel any difference. I still experienced the same pain on my butt after sitting on the floor for some time. This damn gravity! I want to focus on writing and finish assignment, but this damn pain is distracting my attention. But I guess this is the part of this reality. When writing, I am in my mind, I disregard the physical, but the physical needs to move constantly, otherwise the gravity destroys the physical.

This reminds me on cats, especially cats on Desteni farm, specifically the white and black cat, which can express it so extensively. Well cats are different. They have the fur and are thus protected from elements, they are smaller and can move quicker, jump, go through holes, windows, and elsewhere. Humans are much bigger. We also feed cats, but we need to feed ourselves. No one is preparing food for us. And we are not able to catch and eat raw food, like cats for example who can catch birds and mouse and eat them. We need to grow and prepare food, and that needs a lot of land, planning, storing, cooking, and washing dishes. Man are we humans complicated. I wish I would be a cat. So nice life they have. They just enjoy themselves, sleep, eat, walk around and let humans to caress them. But I can do nothing about it. I am as human now and I need to accept this.

Do cats think? How can they think if they do not use words to communicate? Bernard told me, that all living being have now the same structure of the mind. Previously animals had collective souls and only humans had individual souls, but now even plants are suppose to have the same mind-consciousness system. But what does this mean? Do now even plants think? How is that possible? I feel so baffled about this. And then there is this self-responsibility point and awareness and unconscious mind. What is awareness anyway? What makes you be aware, what is to be awake and what is to sleep? What is reality? Bernard says that the physical is reality. But what is the physical? Is the physical still real when you sleep? Where do you go when you sleep? I mean, how can you define what is real, if the physical can only exist in relation to human physical body senses?

And what are the resonances, what are the dimensions? Are dimensions real or not? Are dimensions parts of the physical or not? If we are here as the physical real, are then dimensions not real, since they are not here as the physical, and we cannot see or hear them? I real is only what you can touch, smell, see, then the dimensions are not real! What is the difference between the mind fantasy and the dimensions? What if dimensions is in fact the mind? What is difference between the mind and dimensions? What is heaven? Does heaven still exist? How is it possible that dimensions have been cleared? Too many questions. There are answers, but what does these answers mean for living here practically in the physical.

I have met some interesting people online. Some girl who Sunette recommended to ask her for a friendship on FaceBook. She is from Slovenia and had a lot of Destonian friends. She looks very attractive to me, the girl of my dreams. Cute face, long blond hair, the dream come true. So I immediately wrote her. I want to know her, ask her to be my partner, marry her, have kids, live happily forever after, you know, the usual stuff, lol. But how she responded surprised me beyond my imagination. She said that she is part of the group who observe Desteni Slovenia group from the beginning, but they did not want to join since they saw that we are fighting for leadership position and do not advance in our process.

They have some kid, about 14 years old who can see auras. He checked auras of all of us, and saw that Sunette does not have any aura, the same as he, of course. He saw that I am making progress, and that visit to the Desteni farm resulted me in loosing aura in the middle of my spine. I became baffled and surprised about this phenomena. They invited me to meet them this Saturday in Ljubljana. They will share their perspective and tools that they use for their own process. I wanted to get together with this girl alone, but she said that they are working as a group and that it is best to meet the whole group, about five of them. This will be very exciting.

And I also met some new girl, who asked me for a friendship on the FaceBook. She said that I have made my appearance everywhere she looked on the FaceBook, and that she had to contact me. We met in person a few days ago. She sent me some picture via mail before, and she was tall, slim, and I replied her that she is quite cute. But when I saw her in person, the first thought that crossed my mind was: “She is ugly.” I mean WTF! Who triggered this reaction. The fucking mind-consciousness system! She had some spot on the face, slim teethe, she smokes and thus her breath was disgusting to me. But she was very advanced in her process, emotionally stable, became very excited about Desteni, and we connected very well. We also had online chat and we discussed the possibility of getting together, what would be the result of our synergy.

But I would prefer the blond girl. Even if she saves her hair eventually, she is so much cuter. I mean, she is even deep in her process, and understands all about Desteni clearly. But what is relationship anyway. Sex is such a small part of life. The primary goal is now for all of us to collaborate and establish the equality system. And then only will we be able to enjoy heaven on earth. Right? Or do we enjoy ourselves already now? Do we allow ourselves to waste time for pleasure while millions suffer pain and starve to death? Or not?
.

2011 - How disaster in Japan influenced me

When earthquake hit Japan a few weeks ago, a lot of production facilities were destroyed, and also the nuclear reactor got damaged extensively. A radioactive dust has escaped in the air and a few days ago, some sources reported that radioactive cloud is about to cross Slovenia country in Europe, and it was advised to stay inside the houses, wash clothes after you return from walking outside, and avoid eating vegetables from local area that were freshly picked.

Today I went to photo store to buy some photo accessories that I needed for to execute some ordered photo project, and I wanted to buy a studio flash units. The guy at the store told me, that there is a new model of flash, but it will be available not until fall. This is so because the flash factory that is located in Italy is using imported parts of electronic from Japan and they are now having troubles delivering the parts due to earthquake. The only option for me to get the flash units was to order the old model and in would be delivered in period of one week.

So this are just a few examples how events from another side of this planet influenced me. These are just a few examples of how we are all globally connected and interdependent, which makes us all equally responsible for everything that is going on in this world. The point here is that production of certain goods has become so narrowly localized, that some goods are produced only in few regions in this world, and if something happens in that region, we all get screwed. So why is this so, and how can we change this to enable better safety and independence from disasters around the world?

Currently every single decision in this world is influenced by money. So for example the nuclear power plant was build since the nuclear energy was cheaper, and it was build in the area which is known to be very earthquake active and in was thus deliberate decision to endanger the people only because of the profit. And the power plant was not build in in the way to withstand earthquakes in order so save money, so it collapsed when the force of nature stroke. The electronic parts of the studio flash head were also produce in Japan due to cheap labour force there, and transported all over the oceans only because of money. 

Since current money system drives us all towards stupid decision that eventually harm others and bring a lot of problems, like long delivery dates and pollution due to long transport routes, we need to stop this madness. And this is the reason why Desteni developed a solution of Equal Money System that will stop our unreasonable actions due to greed and profit. When Equal Money will be introduces, production facilities will be equally distributed all over the world in order to shorten the distribution routes. And the ways of producing energy will be picked based on the nature of the environment in each part of world, so it will create as little damaging impact on environment as possible and protect all living being equally. So support the peaceful democratic political introduction of Equal Money System as the necessary healing correction of our current global economic system.
.