2010 - Girlfriend relationship mind construct

I have been living alone in my apartment for past 10 years, had some girlfriends for a period of couple of months, but no long term relationships since my ex-girlfriend left me after 3 years of living together. Several years ago I have created my profile in the most popular Slovenian dating web page and purchased life time membership. I would like to be in agreement with someone but I have a very high standards in regards how the persons physical appearance and mentality should be. In my profile I have stated clearly what I stand for. I check the dating site from time to time if someone is interested in me, and I open a public chat application from time to time in order to be available if someone would like to chat with me. I am disappointed since others have included almost none information about themselves and just a few have included their picture, so finding the right person is very difficult. I have found a few years ago a very effective international online dating web site eHarmony witch uses automatic multi-dimensional matching. The system is based on deep research of the couples who have been in successful long-term relationships and it has the highest rate of matching that result in happy marriages. I have also created my own profile there in order to check what is new, but I do not know how many people from Slovenia have their profiles there, since I have so far been matched only with women abroad. This dating service has also much higher price and since my credit card is currently blocked I have not been able to by a membership that makes sending personal messages available.

I few weeks ago, I have made a connection with some girl via Slovenian dating site, we exchanged contact information, became FaceBook friends and she has been calling me on the phone almost every day since then. She is several years alder than me, is divorced and is living with her divorced father and her 19 years old son in the other part of our country. They are living in the hills, since her parent lived in the forests due to her father working as a logger. She has been working in some factory, but has lost her job recently and has no car on internet connection at her home. I like phone conversations with her, since she is very impressed about what I stand for and she thinks I am beautiful, cute, adorable and sweet. She is very persistent in calling me since she likes what I have to say and also because she is a bit bored. She told me that people like me are very rare and that I am very special. She also told me, how she fantasizes about me, but is afraid that we are not meant to be together since she is older than me and that I would probably leave her for a younger and prettier girl if we would start dating. She has found a new job a few days ago and would like to come for a visit in a week or two with a train, after she gets her first salary. I like her voice and her face, her honesty and generosity, but I would in deed prefer to be with someone who is a bit younger, more skilled in computers and with more stable financial background.

The way I imagine the agreement is two people walking and supporting each other as equals. So I would like someone who is enough intelligent, common-sensical, skilled in using computers, honest, open, and who is standing up for the principles of oneness and equality. Having a family or kinds is not the primary point for me, since I want both of us to actively contribute to make this world a better place. I love sex, but I see it more like a temptation and distraction from things that really matter in this world. Since I have become quite addicted to sex due to watching porn and masturbating regularly in past years, I see living together with some girl as increased temptation for having sex and thus wasting the time and energy for activities that are just distractions. I perceive relationships also as a waste of time and seeking for troubles due to both of us having to share the same space, home resources, having different point of view, desires, expectations, and thus producing conflict. As agreements are to be the opportunity to face yourself due to observing your reaction in relation to your partner, living alone has been preferred way of moving myself in this reality. There are still many other opportunities where I meet other people and check my reactions, so having an agreement is not necessary in order to walk my process.

The decision to live alone is also connected to the personality and family survival pattern that I have accepted and allowed. Since being the oldest son, my parents expected to be more serious, responsible, wise, capable, intelligent and a role-model that they would be able to be proud of. And my younger brother picked the fun, social, cute, naughty and emotional personality in order to get the necessary attention from our parents. Thus he is already married and has two daughter that my parents are proud of. I have been raised as a hard-working and obeying nice guy, who has been supported by parents only if I have done exactly what my parents thought is the best for me to do and have been thus programmed to be constantly available and ready in order to respond immediately whenever they wanted me to do something. My father is afraid of using computers so he has been relying on my skills in order to use the information technology in support of his projects. This is why I felt good working for him and also why he has been in a way jealous and angry at me when working with computers. So living alone is giving me a possibility to be in constant standby mode in order to react immediately whenever my father or any other customer would require my services.

And the influence of my mother, who committed suicide one year ago, has been in developing the feeling of being protected and taken care of, since she was always thinking how to support me financially and with food in order to get my own apartment, car and to eat whenever I would come to visit. Thus I learned not to move myself effectively and become self-responsible, since what I needed to do in order to survive is only to listen and support my parents and allow them to support me as they perceived would be best way. Parents have taught me that the best way to survive in this system is to have a steady income, to give the best services possible, to be proud of what I do, not to shame any family member, to mind my own business, and try not to change others or this system, since I need just to take care of yourself and the people in distress are responsible for themselves. Becoming good, successful and obedient part of society is what I need to do, so I should leave all my efforts for changing this world. I have been programmed extensively in order to be part of this system and not to produce any friction. So by being involved in some new age groups, I have been labeled as odd, troublemaker and especially my brother has been acting very spiteful towards me in past several years.

Since working with computer in our graphic family company, and not allowed to speak back for many years, I have developed introverted personality, escaping and living in my mind, entertaining myself by watching TV, I have separated myself from the physical extensively. Imagination, fantasy and future projection has become a large part of my life. My past relationships have been based on expectations, ideals and moral principles, and thus resulted in emotions of disappointment and anger. The fear from experiencing the same mistakes again is also the reason why I am literally driving the girls away, setting high standards and being very demanding in regards to female looks and mentality. This has been my preventive defense attack in order to make sure that I will not experience any troubles with the partner in the future. However this is quite delusional, since there is no such person that would suit my demands that are clearly based on past-projections, fear and self-interest. I am not allowing myself the opportunity to walk an agreement breath by breath here and facing point by point as equal and one. By running away from the agreements in order to escape from any unpleasant experiences, I am not allowing to experience also many pleasant moments that are also part of any agreement. So to continue living alone or to accept any agreement, this is the question.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex-girlfriend for leaving me, since I am equally responsible for that event due to not accepting her as one and equal and walking with her breath by breath. My relationship with her was based on my ideals and expectations of how relationships should be, based on the accepted family and media programming and were thus not real but purely delusional.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a picture of how someone should look and think, what age she should be, how much money she should earn and how her computers skills should be in order to be acceptable to walk with me in a agreement.
   
   
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by other peoples opinion about how they find my looks. The best for me is to remain stable inside regardless of what others think of me and to direct myself towards what is best for all.
   
   
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the support of my parents, becoming lazy and waiting for them to solve my problems, instead of directing myself effectively and constantly towards what is best for all.
   
   
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when I worked for my father and allowed him to be proud of me, instead of doing everything as self-expression and removing all emotional attachments from my creations.
   
   
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by my family members and stopping to move myself towards what is best for all, accepting their projection of fear and self-interest, instead of breathing, remaining here and sticking to the principle of oneness and equality.
   
   
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the personality and social programming from my family and society and supporting this system of abuse, competition, war and starvation, instead of standing up for the principles of oneness and equality and becoming the living example of how to transform this system to support all living beings equally.
   
   
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in my mind, thinking that I am able to escape from this reality, instead of standing up, facing every single event unconditionally as life and walking breath by breath until heaven on earth is fully manifested.
   
   
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to move me, enjoying life in my cosy apartment, not caring for other, minding my own business and doing nothing, instead of understanding that I am equally responsible for everything in this world and standing up for a real practical change.
   
   
10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define females just as a sex objects, walking vaginas and substitutes for masturbation in order to experience orgasm, instead of accepting them as life as one and equal with me and walking with them breath by breath without any expectations or self-interest and directing both of us towards equality.

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2010 - Masturbation point research

I masturbated again. It was 2:30am and I was reading the SRAT Lesson 29. I was to have a chat with Andrea the next day at 7:47am and I had to read the other half of the Lesson 29 and the whole Lesson 30 and to the exercises. The time was running out and I wondered how many hours of time should I reserve in order to be able to read all the text and to the exercises. I started do yawn, I was falling asleep and I started to play with my penis in order to entertain myself. I was still under the impression of the words of the girl with whom I had a chat with today, since she is really a master of seduction, using the words that trigger my sexual system. Her words were running through my mind and the pictures of how sex with her might be started to appear. My penis started to become erect more and more and I did not like this automatic unconscious reaction. I started to speak out loud in Slovene language the self-forgiveness on the masturbation points like:

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on the thoughts of the girl that I have had I chat with, since the memories are illusion and only what is here is in fact reality.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and project images of sexual intercourse with the woman, since pictures in the mind are illusion and not real.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuel my mind with the energy of orgasm and thus fueling the system that is going to produce even more thought and fuck me even deeper in the future.

But none of this self-forgiveness was sufficient. While holding and stroking the head of my penis, the sweet taste has been produced in my mouth and I wanted some more. I continued with strokes and increased the frequency and intensity of strokes until I would experience the buildup of energy in the genital region that expanded through my whole body when I came to orgasm and ejaculation.

After orgasm I felt bad since I failed to stick to my decision to replace the genital orgasm with the breathe orgasm. I decided to immediately write this post while the memories of the thoughts that pulled me into this actions were still fresh. When I asked myself why was I not able to stop, the following points emerged:

1. I am not fully aware of the consequences of genital orgasm in relation to enslavement of mind-consciousness system.
   
   
2. I have recently read that Desteni is supporting orgasm, but only in the form of self-expression. Since Desteni is not agains it, I have picked this as justification to continue with it.
   
   
3. I am considering the orgasm as I gift to myself, I form of award, a treat, in order to give myself a nice feeling after days of suffering unpleasant physical conditions in order to do what I have to do to get the money.

I have to do more writing in order to defuse more the points, related to sex system. I wonder if living alone is resulting in suppressing these points and if it would be more supportive to decide for and agreement and release these points while practicing sex. Since now if I see a female, from very young to middle age, the sexual thoughts and pictures are triggered intensively and I do not want to be possessed with them anymore. 

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2010 - Vertigo research continued

This is a continuation of my previous blog Repeating strong vertigo research in order to find out the reasons for occasionally experiencing strong vertigo.

I decided not to visit the doctor to check my blood since I am currently short of money and I have not payed for health insurance for a few months now, so this examination could cost me some money which is not necessary right now. I have concluded that my vertigo is not caused due to chemical imbalance in my blood, nor do I experience any tooth or other pain, accept some pain in the neck.

The last vertigo happened after intensive working with computer. I have two days in a row spent selecting, copyright stamping and uploading 75 photo galleries to my FaceBook business page in order to promote my professional photography services. I pushed myself to do this very extensively, since I need to earn money as soon as possible, so I worked all Thursday and Friday, sitting in front of the computer from 10am to 4am, that is 16 hours per day. I did occasional pause, prepared something to eat and danced a couple of times, but it seems that the strain has been too much after all, so the Saturday morning my body gave me a lesson.

The vertigo before the last one took the control of my body after spending two days with some girlfriend. The meeting with a girl should be fun and result in relaxation, but the way how I experienced the meeting was full of stress and frustration. Surely we had sex and I enjoyed physical intimacy, but the way I interpreted all that activities was full of fear, judgement and frustration. The whole time of I was thinking how spending time together is just a waste of time and money, totally unproductive and without any possibility of long-lasting agreement. I did not express myself and shared my thoughts, since the girl was not able to handle what I stand and wish for, and thus I suppressed myself. I endured all the trouble of going out just for the sake of sex. So the next day, after the girl left, the vertigo grounded me as never before.

Today I pushed myself again since I wanted to process as quickly all the videos at the new DIP Beginners forum. After watching about 30 videos one after another, the vertigo started to emerge again. I had to stop and lay down for un hour or so, and then I stabilized myself again. I decided to quit watching videos for today in order to avoid any further complications.

My actions of pushing myself were based on idea of being a self-directive principle and thus directing my physical body in order to do the stuff that needed to be done. As I read in the Desteni material, every pain, resistance or feeling of tiredness is produced due to participating in the mind consciousness system and allowing to direct by body, instead of me directing my body in very single breath. So I pushed myself and did not allow and physical discomfort to distract me from what I was doing. However what I missed is to take care of the diversity of body movement and actions throughout the day, since I spent almost every day in my apartment, sitting in front of my computer. The second thing that I missed were subconscious thoughts that compounded more and more and this all this resulted in the vertigo. So I have to be more careful about those points in the future in order to support myself as one and equal with my physical body more effectively.

In regards to vertigo being related to biting/squeezing teeth together, I wish to share some incredible story. A few years ago I attended some meditation group meeting in our local public library basement room. That day we were to learn a special relaxation technique, developed by some person who had an accident and could not move any part of the body, except the jaw. The doctors predicted that he would not recover and would have to spent the rest of the life lying in the bed. But after a while he got some inner guidance that told him to start slowly and gently opening and closing the jaw repeatedly. After practicing this technique, his body slowly came back to life, until he completely recovered and was able to move fully, like before he had the accident. So I also started to experiment with that tool in and I am making sure that I am not biting my teeth together and thus producing any tension.
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2010 - Repeating strong vertigo research

I have been again experiencing extremely strong vertigo today and I want to find the reason for it in order not to be repeated again. This kind of vertigo started to appear about two years ago and it repeated a couple of times a year. The last vertigo I experienced, and which was the worst so far, lasting and only slowly diminishing in the period of one week, happened 12. October 2010, and I wrote about it this blog post, which I also posted in my blogs thread at Desteni Open Forum:

Having the vertigo all day

http://valentinrozman.blogspot.com/2010/10/having-vertigo-whole-day.html

I expected to receive some support, but I did received no comment whatsoever. Today I searched for the Desteni Open Forum and found this relevant thread, started 23. October 2010 from Georg Haeussler:

Vertigo

http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?f=288&t=18894

Marlen suggested writing and applying self-forgiveness on the points, related to experiencing the vertigo again in order to regain self-directive principle. Ann suggested to check for infected teeth since it can make the balance fall away. Brett suggested to research fo Mitral Valve Prolapse Syndrome since it is often misdiagnosed as just vertigo. Rebeca shared her experience of nausea to be related to judgment of the people around her and how she stopped it using breath. Georg added that blood sugar level also places a role since the vertigo episodes tend to be more severe if he hadn't eaten in a while. Ralf explained that many of vertigos come from very small particles in your inner ear, suggested to investigate http://www.neuro24.de/s3.htm article, explained how muscle tensions in the neck and related parts in your back is another possibility and shared his experience of vertigo for more than a year coming and going until he realized that the reason was biting his tooth together under stress and while sleeping and that the big picture of every illness is a result of your belief system, starting with a though till it manifests as a sub system in your mind conscious system, till this finally affects your body.

I am going to check my blood at the doctor on Monday, research my mind-patterns possibly related to vertigo and write it in my next blog and I would like to ask everyone, especially Bernard and Sunette/Resonances to give me any additional feedback in order to point out the cause for my vertigo, so I am posting this blog post also to Desteni Subscription Forum.
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2010 - Breath orgasm instead of masturbating

Starting 4. September 2010 I have managed to stop masturbating until one week ago, that is 24. November 2010, so almost 3 full months. It was very cool, since I had no temptations and the head of my penis was very unresponsive to touch. But lately I have been exposed to many sexual scenes simply by catching some short part of movies while visiting my father and while watching some South Park cartoons. It is odd that creators of cartoons included scenes of children jerking off dicks of dogs, sexual intercourse acts and very pictures language. Being exposed to these images and words, my sex system obviously reactivated and I started to have sexual dreams. I also had a business meeting with some masseur, who told me, that people are asking her if she also offers massage where female masseurs are naked and they give customers a massage of the penis until they come. She was frown upon this questions, but she expressed her believe that occasional ejaculation is beneficial since this way you get rid of impurities that are building up in the liver.

So I decided to experience orgasm again and I masturbated, sitting on the couch in my living room. And I also masturbated the next day in the bathroom. In both occasions I had my eyes opened and I watched my penis and observed the flow of energies. No thoughts or images were involved. I wanted to be totally aware of everything that was happening in order to understand the sex system. I was not very proud of myself to indulge this act, and I wanted to transform it. Some weeks ago I have watched the series on breath orgasm, but I did not need to practice it, since no energy compounded that would be necessary to distribute. But now, since the sex system came alive again, I decided to test it. Yesterday while I was taking a shower, I started to touch all the parts of my body and breathed deeply in order to distribute the energy to every cell of my body. I experienced tingling feeling in the whole of my body, as I have been experienced it on some occasions before, when doing some yoga breathing techniques. I enjoyed it and I also allowed myself to scream, but not very loud, since I did not want to attract attention of my neighbors. I don't know if what I have experienced was a breath orgasm, or if the experience of breath orgasm should be something different or more intense, since feelings are difficult to describe and compare.

I will use the breath orgasm tool to release any build up of energy from now one. I have noticed, that classical genital orgasm somehow pulls the energy from the lower back of my legs and then fuels the mind helmet that is suppressing me. Rubbing the penis is also linked with the desire to have a partner to have sex with, so that you would enjoy the feeling of enclosed penis with soft, warm and moist vagina, butt or mouth hole. Practicing genital orgasm is driving you towards seeking for a partner and thus the whole life starts to revolve around being alert and searching for someone that could become your sex partner. You do not see others as living beings anymore but just as a walking vaginas, created only to give you penis a sexual pleasure. Breath orgasm obviously removes this need, since you distribute the energy to all parts of your body simply by breath and with caressing yourself. There is no need to stimulate just a certain part of your body in certain way and you do not need to be naked. Instead of mechanical stimulation of the penis, the source of pleasure is transformed from just one region of the body to the whole body. Your entire body becomes the sexual organ. You do not need a partner to give yourself an orgasm and thus you free yourself from any need of any other beings in order to enjoy orgasm. Fascinating!
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2010 - Pain in my back after subjugation to my father

You are welcome to read this post translated in Slovenian language.

After I allowed my father to force me in writing my 'public apology' exactly as he dictated, since he imposed his believe that I 'hurt his feelings', I woke with the pain in the center of my back the next day. I went to check and read the Veno's Structural Resonance document on the back points and saw that the center and lower back and the buttock points are about giving your 'power' or 'life energy' away to the 'mind-consciousness system'.

When I wrote the public apology I considered this act as 'becoming one and equal' with the 'mind-consciousness system' of my father and 'avoiding compromising' myself by short-term indulging the inability of my father to act from the common sense. I did not consider that by doing this I would suffer any consequences, since he agreed that my statement would not be in fact the act of self-honesty but lying and that this would be the last lye that he would demand from me.

However I understand the pain in my back as the consequence of in fact giving my power to the mind-consciousness system and allowing myself to have power over me, since I see no other events that would be able to cause my pain. So I am correcting myself in order to take my life energy back from the mind-consciousness system in order to remove the pain:

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be intimidated by my father, using his anger and threats of suing me with the lawyer and removing me from his will and not paying me the money for the work that I done for his clients for the price that we both agree upon, since by allowing this I am not allowing my father not to take responsibility for his feelings and emotions.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be intimidated by anyone that is not willing to take responsibility for the feelings and emotions that they create for themselves, since every energetic movement is the responsibility of the person who is experiencing it and only they have the power to defuse it by applying self-forgiveness.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to give my life energy away to other people and suffering their emotional projection and abuse in order to get the money.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be directed by mind-consciousness system and thus compromising myself as life, fearing of what other people might do to me and thus allowing energy to be more than life, instead of standing up unconditionally as life in total self-honesty and self-expression and for principles of oneness end equality.

I am not allowing to be intimidated, blackmailed and pushed by anyone anymore, not even my father, and I will stand firmly and face all attempts of using emotional energy, physical force or legal tools in order for them to suck life force out of me and fuel their mind-consciousness systems with energy of feelings and emotions.
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2010 - Consequences of mentioning my father in my blogs

You are welcome to read this post translated to Slovenian language.

While creating my blogs and vlogs in the Desteni process of self-realization in order to bringing all of my subconscious mind patterns here by writing and transcending them with process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, I have also mentioned my father several times as the main influencer in my life. We are writing blogs and shooting vlogs and publishing them publicly from several reasons:

1. The first reason is to make possible for others to read our posts and support and direct us as one and equal in order to successfully defuse the mind-consciousness system that distract our attentions from what is here by constant production of thoughts and consequently emotions and feeling.
   
   
2. The second reason is to support others by showing publicly how to becoming the living example of self-honesty and self-directive principle as one and equal with life and do what is best for all in order to end all the abuse in this world once and for all.

While writing the mind patterns, we describe past events, participating people, and their and our own actions, emotions, feelings and secret thoughts, to become aware of every single point that we have participated in. The description of other people actions and emotional reactions is not about blaming them and pointing fingers, but solely to describe the full picture of all events. We know that we are all responsible for our emotional reactions, since they are all based on beliefs, moral principles, opinions and definitions that we have allowed, accepted and become ourselves. The process is about self-purification, since we have the power only to change ourselves and we have no power to change others. Thus if we want to do something in order to make this world the better place, we can do this only by changing ourselves first and then inviting others to change themselves by being our own example.

We take care not to use personal names, since the process is not about pointing fingers and blaming others, but taking self-responsibility for our thoughts and feelings. However we still need to use some word to describe others in order to picture our relations and the intensity of influence, so we use words like 'father', 'mother', 'brother', 'sister', 'best friend', 'girlfriend' etc. in order to keep the maximum level of anonymity and still securing the understanding of the relationships. Total anonymity can never be achieved since everyone who we describe in our blogs and vlogs can be recognised by themselves or by others who know them. So some might react to the description of how we experience their behaviour.

One of them was my father, who did not like how I described my past experiences with him. He does not care about my process and does not follow my blogs and vlogs, however, others who know him have reported him the blogs and vlogs who describe him and expressed deep concern about my actions. Since my father is a quite well known public figure, and has experienced my posts about him as harmful and damaging, he insisted me to remove the blogs and vlogs that describe him, not to use the word 'father' any more and to write public apology in order to avoid the consequences of my actions. I have removed the word 'father' end  certain blogs and post from the public and this is my self-forgiveness in order to make peace with him:

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard my father's desire to be presented in only nice and acceptable way, since he needs to keep the certain public image in order to be successful in his business.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate with the decision to secure myself additional source of income instead of pushing only my latest counselling services to the level of getting in quite deep debt.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create division between me and my father since I judged his emotional reactions instead of accepting and directing him as one and equal with me.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect from my parents unconditional support just because I am their child, instead of accepting them as one and equal and being grateful for everything that they have offered me.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved only by money, working just to get money and stopping the movement when I had enough money, instead of moving myself constantly breath by breath as life and direct myself towards what is best for all.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely to my parents to save me whenever I would be in the financial trouble, and thus allowing myself to get into debt and feeling safe by expecting that they would help me also this time as they have done so many times before.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept everyone as one and equal to myself and trying to present myself as someone more intelligent and more perfect and thus criticising them, their lives and their jobs, instead of focusing on myself and clearing my emotional reactions.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can help others without helping myself first, since I can not direct others as one and equal to myself effectively until I remove all my energetic movements.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to the energy and to be moved only by energy instead of realising that as long as I allow to be moved by thought, feelings and emotions, I am a robot, a zombie, separate from the life and abusing life for my self-gratification, instead of becoming one with the physical and be here in every moment of evey breath, free from all the past.

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