2010 - Defusing reactions regarding YouTube

I am continuing with defusing the small points of suppressed reactions that instantly manifest as pinching itching points on my skin around genitals. The most recent reactions I experienced a few moments ago was after I watched several ITD videos and I did comment them as "Watched" in order for Desteni administration to follow my progress and I also noted the channel and video names and links to my "Record of participation" Google Docs Spreadsheet in order to inform others about my progress and to be able to check if I already watched certain video, however I forgot to click the "I Like it" button on the videos I just watched.

I always make sure that I note the video channel and title name and URL and make at least the "Watched" comment and click the "I like button" in order to support myself and others as instructed, but this time I forgot to press the "I like button". I usually watch the videos as a batch, so firstly I collect the links of the videos to watch. In this occasion the links were the part of ITD course PDF, so I clicked all the links for every single video to open in the separate tab in my Chrome web browser. Then I would quickly click the tabs and click on the videos in order to stop the auto play of the videos. Next I would copy and paste the channel names and video titles and URLs and paste them into the spreadsheet. After that I would comment all videos as "Watched". I usually never just watch the videos since this would be for me too much waste of time. So I pick something to do that does not need my hearing or mental attention, like washing dishes, ironing the laundry or eating a meal. Then I start to play the first video, close the tab after finish and play the next video, until every opened video has been played to the finish.

I usually also click the "I like it" button somewhere in the stage between opening the video and closing the video browser tab, but sometimes I forget. This is due to not fully understanding what functions of the YouTube are triggered when the "I like it" button is pressed. I understand that it helps to rang the video higher and I also read somewhere that the video you like is displayed somewhere in some list so other can also watch the videos you liked, but I did not made the effort yet to check what actual and full consequence of pressing the "I Like it" button is. I did not care to research since I believed that this function does not play a major role and would not contribute drastically at my Desteni process of self-realization. I just continued to walk in the blind regarding this point which is totally based on ignorance, laziness and not taking full self-responsibility. I am afraid that finding out what this function means would result in larger knowledge and thus larger responsibility and that I would then have to use this function more regularly and would thus result in having to spend even more time to do what I have to do, and I am already short with time.

But really, this is just bullshit. I have been pressing the "I like it" button so far almost always and only in some occasions I forgot to do so. What could possible change if I would take the time and research the full functionality of liking some video? It is simply laziness, since I like watching the videos and I find reading the text much more harder. So I simply did not want to read the text. In is not specifically connected to what the text is about, I just prefer watching the videos over reading the text. I also procrastinate reading other texts, like SRA and ITD PDFs because I need to be still and focus my eyesight and decipher what the character symbols stand for in order to understand the message. And listening is so much easier, message is delivered with much less effort and I can also do other stuff and move my body in between.

The other point that prevented me from researching the full functionality of liking the video is that the relevant information is sometimes hard to find. Like I wanted to search for the info about the latest YouTube upload video length and file size limit and there were no relevant hits when I searched the dedicated YouTube help and forum section. Only after I Googled the question, some results popped-up and I had to eliminate the out-of-date ones in order to get the wanted information. And at the end the information was not official and I could not trust it, so I was disappointed. Even official YouTube disclaimer when you upload the video only displays something like "Now you can upload videos that are more than 15 minutes in length" and it does not say anything about what are the actual restrictions. Even the information that I Googled out was more detailed, specifying that the only limit now is the file size. And I did not even make the effort to remember or note that number since I found it so large, something like 2 GB and the videos that I am shooting are much smaller so I did not find it crucial to remember this info, also due to constant change of the YouTube system limitations.

So due to the frustrating experience of YouTube user support being so ineffective, I projected my fear also onto point regarding "I like it" button and I did not want to make an effort in order to check if there is possibly any easier-to-reach information regarding this function. This kind of projections are unacceptable and illusional. I need to stop projecting my past experiences into this moment, removing my laziness and move myself without any excuse when some point appears in order to solve the point instantly. Otherwise the point will pile-up, I will time-loop and make my process much longer then necessary.

Now at this moment of writing the blog, I am starting to experiencing pain, since I have been lying on the back on the sofa and typing this blog post for almost an hour and the weight of my body is pressing on the sofa due to gravitation and squeezing the muscles to the point where the pain has become unbearable. I need to move and change the body position in order to release the pain. And this is also one of the big points that prevents me from blogging more. Typing for hours is so uncomfortable and painful, and it sucks extensively. Sometimes I wish I could fly, become weightless and move more freely, also through the walls. This would be great. Like a ghost. Thus I wonder how it would be if I die, also wishing to die and experience myself without the constant bonds of earths gravity. While watching interdimensional interviews I wonder how dimensional being are experiencing themselves. However since I heard that the earth plane is the only place that enables ones full self-expression, I understand that I am to be at the end very grateful for this experience, since where time and space does not exist, I can not imagine how I would experience myself or if here-after is even more fucked-up experience as here on earth. So I am finishing with writing this blog post and I will continue in the next one.
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2010 - The emotional December girl

The girl who I met online one month ago payed me a visit this Wednesday. She came with the bus and I picked her on the bus station and then we went to my place. This was the firs girl I dated that was older than me, and she had I lot of concerns regarding this, expressing thoughts that we are not meant to be together since I probably want some much younger girl. But more than difference in years, the point that I found unacceptable was that she did not want to release her strong emotional mind patterns. Right after she saw my online profile, she started to SMS me extensively, writing how sweet and adorable I am and how she is dying from desire to hug and touch me. I have never met anyone who would be such a great fun of me and this definitely felt very good.

After we had a chat over large cup of tea, I prepared my home movie theatre and we watched a comedy movie which I borrowed from the library. Actually it was I that watched the movie, since she soon started to watch and admire my face. Since I already watched that movie once, I asked her if she would rather do something else. So she gave me the massage and it was very passionate and intense and she trembled from excitement while massaging me. Then I also offered to give her the massage but she felt too ashamed to remove her clothes. So I gave her the back massage with her shirt on. Then we lied down and started hugging and kissing, and soon she got hot and also removed her clothes slowly. We got intimate and it was very nice experience. We got intimate again when we went to bed and also in the morning while waking up. Than we had a breakfast, I finished some work on the computer and then I drove her to the city bus station where she took the bus to her home place.

In the following days she continued to SMS me, telling me that she had such a great time and that she has fallen in love with me. While she was at my place, we had a chat about thoughts, feelings and emotions and that what I am looking for is an agreement where we would support each other as one and equal at the process of self-realization. But she is not willing to forgive her feelings and is very stubborn at holding to her mind patterns and playing the role of caring mother, full of tender feeling, treating me as a teddy bear toy, projecting onto me the fantasies that are not real. While I felt like a star with her playing the role of my fanatic fan, this kind of relationship is in long term very unhealthy. So every time she calls me, I speak to her the self-forgiveness in her name, regarding the feelings that she is trying to impose in order to show her accepted and allowed self-deception. I also suggested her to star writing her own blog to align herself with the principle of equality, since her definition of me as being something more is unacceptable.

In the past several days I have been watching the rest of the movies that I rented in the public library. I don't know if this was due to transfer of some system during sex with the girl, or was it due to the start of the holiday season, or was it just because the act was so good, but when I watched the movie Ladder 49, with the pictures scenes of burning houses and brave firefighting, I became very emotional and I cried when I watched the funeral of deceased firefighter. The same pattern repeated when I next watched some other romantic movies. This in unacceptable and some self-forgiveness is needed to be done immediately regarding this point.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become emotional, since emotions are the energy, produced by friction between the reality and my projected definitions of reality being something more than what it really is.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that being emotional is what makes us human and forgetting that when the energy of emotion is possessing us, we tend to hurt ourselves and others with the excuse of being emotional.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a robot, letting emotions to blind and direct me to act in unreasonable ways, instead of taking full responsibility of my actions and directing myself towards what is best for all.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have special feeling towards someone and thus producing inequality in this reality, since all parts of the existence are one and equal to each other, the reality can only exist is perfect balance by treating every single being as equal to any other being in every single moment of every breath.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to buy the illusion of the movies and copy the behavior of the actors, believing that copying the behavior of others will help me to survive more effectively in this world, instead of realizing that Hollywood movies are deliberately produced in the way to manipulate and intensify human emotional reactions with the starting point of extracting as much money from the people as possible.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to forget that what is real is only this physical reality and whenever I tend to emotionally react, I go into my illusional mind that is created with the intend to trap me and suck my life energy until I drop dead.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for energy to distract my attention from what is really here, since the energy is not life, it is the product of friction between two opposite poles, and I can not allow energy to exist anymore, since the existence can not have the opposite pole and thus every single opposition of life has to be removed.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think instead of live, no thought is acceptable since it is based of projection of the memory into this present moment and since the present is constantly changing, no thought is valid and is thus the manifestation of lie, deception and illusion.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in my mind, since when I got to my mind, I am not here living, I am escaping to the place which is the alternative reality, and there can exist only one reality which is physical, in order all to co-exist as equals and collaborate and support each others effectively.

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2010 - Girlfriend relationship mind construct

I have been living alone in my apartment for past 10 years, had some girlfriends for a period of couple of months, but no long term relationships since my ex-girlfriend left me after 3 years of living together. Several years ago I have created my profile in the most popular Slovenian dating web page and purchased life time membership. I would like to be in agreement with someone but I have a very high standards in regards how the persons physical appearance and mentality should be. In my profile I have stated clearly what I stand for. I check the dating site from time to time if someone is interested in me, and I open a public chat application from time to time in order to be available if someone would like to chat with me. I am disappointed since others have included almost none information about themselves and just a few have included their picture, so finding the right person is very difficult. I have found a few years ago a very effective international online dating web site eHarmony witch uses automatic multi-dimensional matching. The system is based on deep research of the couples who have been in successful long-term relationships and it has the highest rate of matching that result in happy marriages. I have also created my own profile there in order to check what is new, but I do not know how many people from Slovenia have their profiles there, since I have so far been matched only with women abroad. This dating service has also much higher price and since my credit card is currently blocked I have not been able to by a membership that makes sending personal messages available.

I few weeks ago, I have made a connection with some girl via Slovenian dating site, we exchanged contact information, became FaceBook friends and she has been calling me on the phone almost every day since then. She is several years alder than me, is divorced and is living with her divorced father and her 19 years old son in the other part of our country. They are living in the hills, since her parent lived in the forests due to her father working as a logger. She has been working in some factory, but has lost her job recently and has no car on internet connection at her home. I like phone conversations with her, since she is very impressed about what I stand for and she thinks I am beautiful, cute, adorable and sweet. She is very persistent in calling me since she likes what I have to say and also because she is a bit bored. She told me that people like me are very rare and that I am very special. She also told me, how she fantasizes about me, but is afraid that we are not meant to be together since she is older than me and that I would probably leave her for a younger and prettier girl if we would start dating. She has found a new job a few days ago and would like to come for a visit in a week or two with a train, after she gets her first salary. I like her voice and her face, her honesty and generosity, but I would in deed prefer to be with someone who is a bit younger, more skilled in computers and with more stable financial background.

The way I imagine the agreement is two people walking and supporting each other as equals. So I would like someone who is enough intelligent, common-sensical, skilled in using computers, honest, open, and who is standing up for the principles of oneness and equality. Having a family or kinds is not the primary point for me, since I want both of us to actively contribute to make this world a better place. I love sex, but I see it more like a temptation and distraction from things that really matter in this world. Since I have become quite addicted to sex due to watching porn and masturbating regularly in past years, I see living together with some girl as increased temptation for having sex and thus wasting the time and energy for activities that are just distractions. I perceive relationships also as a waste of time and seeking for troubles due to both of us having to share the same space, home resources, having different point of view, desires, expectations, and thus producing conflict. As agreements are to be the opportunity to face yourself due to observing your reaction in relation to your partner, living alone has been preferred way of moving myself in this reality. There are still many other opportunities where I meet other people and check my reactions, so having an agreement is not necessary in order to walk my process.

The decision to live alone is also connected to the personality and family survival pattern that I have accepted and allowed. Since being the oldest son, my parents expected to be more serious, responsible, wise, capable, intelligent and a role-model that they would be able to be proud of. And my younger brother picked the fun, social, cute, naughty and emotional personality in order to get the necessary attention from our parents. Thus he is already married and has two daughter that my parents are proud of. I have been raised as a hard-working and obeying nice guy, who has been supported by parents only if I have done exactly what my parents thought is the best for me to do and have been thus programmed to be constantly available and ready in order to respond immediately whenever they wanted me to do something. My father is afraid of using computers so he has been relying on my skills in order to use the information technology in support of his projects. This is why I felt good working for him and also why he has been in a way jealous and angry at me when working with computers. So living alone is giving me a possibility to be in constant standby mode in order to react immediately whenever my father or any other customer would require my services.

And the influence of my mother, who committed suicide one year ago, has been in developing the feeling of being protected and taken care of, since she was always thinking how to support me financially and with food in order to get my own apartment, car and to eat whenever I would come to visit. Thus I learned not to move myself effectively and become self-responsible, since what I needed to do in order to survive is only to listen and support my parents and allow them to support me as they perceived would be best way. Parents have taught me that the best way to survive in this system is to have a steady income, to give the best services possible, to be proud of what I do, not to shame any family member, to mind my own business, and try not to change others or this system, since I need just to take care of yourself and the people in distress are responsible for themselves. Becoming good, successful and obedient part of society is what I need to do, so I should leave all my efforts for changing this world. I have been programmed extensively in order to be part of this system and not to produce any friction. So by being involved in some new age groups, I have been labeled as odd, troublemaker and especially my brother has been acting very spiteful towards me in past several years.

Since working with computer in our graphic family company, and not allowed to speak back for many years, I have developed introverted personality, escaping and living in my mind, entertaining myself by watching TV, I have separated myself from the physical extensively. Imagination, fantasy and future projection has become a large part of my life. My past relationships have been based on expectations, ideals and moral principles, and thus resulted in emotions of disappointment and anger. The fear from experiencing the same mistakes again is also the reason why I am literally driving the girls away, setting high standards and being very demanding in regards to female looks and mentality. This has been my preventive defense attack in order to make sure that I will not experience any troubles with the partner in the future. However this is quite delusional, since there is no such person that would suit my demands that are clearly based on past-projections, fear and self-interest. I am not allowing myself the opportunity to walk an agreement breath by breath here and facing point by point as equal and one. By running away from the agreements in order to escape from any unpleasant experiences, I am not allowing to experience also many pleasant moments that are also part of any agreement. So to continue living alone or to accept any agreement, this is the question.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex-girlfriend for leaving me, since I am equally responsible for that event due to not accepting her as one and equal and walking with her breath by breath. My relationship with her was based on my ideals and expectations of how relationships should be, based on the accepted family and media programming and were thus not real but purely delusional.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a picture of how someone should look and think, what age she should be, how much money she should earn and how her computers skills should be in order to be acceptable to walk with me in a agreement.
   
   
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by other peoples opinion about how they find my looks. The best for me is to remain stable inside regardless of what others think of me and to direct myself towards what is best for all.
   
   
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the support of my parents, becoming lazy and waiting for them to solve my problems, instead of directing myself effectively and constantly towards what is best for all.
   
   
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when I worked for my father and allowed him to be proud of me, instead of doing everything as self-expression and removing all emotional attachments from my creations.
   
   
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by my family members and stopping to move myself towards what is best for all, accepting their projection of fear and self-interest, instead of breathing, remaining here and sticking to the principle of oneness and equality.
   
   
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the personality and social programming from my family and society and supporting this system of abuse, competition, war and starvation, instead of standing up for the principles of oneness and equality and becoming the living example of how to transform this system to support all living beings equally.
   
   
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in my mind, thinking that I am able to escape from this reality, instead of standing up, facing every single event unconditionally as life and walking breath by breath until heaven on earth is fully manifested.
   
   
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to move me, enjoying life in my cosy apartment, not caring for other, minding my own business and doing nothing, instead of understanding that I am equally responsible for everything in this world and standing up for a real practical change.
   
   
10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define females just as a sex objects, walking vaginas and substitutes for masturbation in order to experience orgasm, instead of accepting them as life as one and equal with me and walking with them breath by breath without any expectations or self-interest and directing both of us towards equality.

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2010 - Masturbation point research

I masturbated again. It was 2:30am and I was reading the SRAT Lesson 29. I was to have a chat with Andrea the next day at 7:47am and I had to read the other half of the Lesson 29 and the whole Lesson 30 and to the exercises. The time was running out and I wondered how many hours of time should I reserve in order to be able to read all the text and to the exercises. I started do yawn, I was falling asleep and I started to play with my penis in order to entertain myself. I was still under the impression of the words of the girl with whom I had a chat with today, since she is really a master of seduction, using the words that trigger my sexual system. Her words were running through my mind and the pictures of how sex with her might be started to appear. My penis started to become erect more and more and I did not like this automatic unconscious reaction. I started to speak out loud in Slovene language the self-forgiveness on the masturbation points like:

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on the thoughts of the girl that I have had I chat with, since the memories are illusion and only what is here is in fact reality.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and project images of sexual intercourse with the woman, since pictures in the mind are illusion and not real.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuel my mind with the energy of orgasm and thus fueling the system that is going to produce even more thought and fuck me even deeper in the future.

But none of this self-forgiveness was sufficient. While holding and stroking the head of my penis, the sweet taste has been produced in my mouth and I wanted some more. I continued with strokes and increased the frequency and intensity of strokes until I would experience the buildup of energy in the genital region that expanded through my whole body when I came to orgasm and ejaculation.

After orgasm I felt bad since I failed to stick to my decision to replace the genital orgasm with the breathe orgasm. I decided to immediately write this post while the memories of the thoughts that pulled me into this actions were still fresh. When I asked myself why was I not able to stop, the following points emerged:

1. I am not fully aware of the consequences of genital orgasm in relation to enslavement of mind-consciousness system.
   
   
2. I have recently read that Desteni is supporting orgasm, but only in the form of self-expression. Since Desteni is not agains it, I have picked this as justification to continue with it.
   
   
3. I am considering the orgasm as I gift to myself, I form of award, a treat, in order to give myself a nice feeling after days of suffering unpleasant physical conditions in order to do what I have to do to get the money.

I have to do more writing in order to defuse more the points, related to sex system. I wonder if living alone is resulting in suppressing these points and if it would be more supportive to decide for and agreement and release these points while practicing sex. Since now if I see a female, from very young to middle age, the sexual thoughts and pictures are triggered intensively and I do not want to be possessed with them anymore. 

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2010 - Vertigo research continued

This is a continuation of my previous blog Repeating strong vertigo research in order to find out the reasons for occasionally experiencing strong vertigo.

I decided not to visit the doctor to check my blood since I am currently short of money and I have not payed for health insurance for a few months now, so this examination could cost me some money which is not necessary right now. I have concluded that my vertigo is not caused due to chemical imbalance in my blood, nor do I experience any tooth or other pain, accept some pain in the neck.

The last vertigo happened after intensive working with computer. I have two days in a row spent selecting, copyright stamping and uploading 75 photo galleries to my FaceBook business page in order to promote my professional photography services. I pushed myself to do this very extensively, since I need to earn money as soon as possible, so I worked all Thursday and Friday, sitting in front of the computer from 10am to 4am, that is 16 hours per day. I did occasional pause, prepared something to eat and danced a couple of times, but it seems that the strain has been too much after all, so the Saturday morning my body gave me a lesson.

The vertigo before the last one took the control of my body after spending two days with some girlfriend. The meeting with a girl should be fun and result in relaxation, but the way how I experienced the meeting was full of stress and frustration. Surely we had sex and I enjoyed physical intimacy, but the way I interpreted all that activities was full of fear, judgement and frustration. The whole time of I was thinking how spending time together is just a waste of time and money, totally unproductive and without any possibility of long-lasting agreement. I did not express myself and shared my thoughts, since the girl was not able to handle what I stand and wish for, and thus I suppressed myself. I endured all the trouble of going out just for the sake of sex. So the next day, after the girl left, the vertigo grounded me as never before.

Today I pushed myself again since I wanted to process as quickly all the videos at the new DIP Beginners forum. After watching about 30 videos one after another, the vertigo started to emerge again. I had to stop and lay down for un hour or so, and then I stabilized myself again. I decided to quit watching videos for today in order to avoid any further complications.

My actions of pushing myself were based on idea of being a self-directive principle and thus directing my physical body in order to do the stuff that needed to be done. As I read in the Desteni material, every pain, resistance or feeling of tiredness is produced due to participating in the mind consciousness system and allowing to direct by body, instead of me directing my body in very single breath. So I pushed myself and did not allow and physical discomfort to distract me from what I was doing. However what I missed is to take care of the diversity of body movement and actions throughout the day, since I spent almost every day in my apartment, sitting in front of my computer. The second thing that I missed were subconscious thoughts that compounded more and more and this all this resulted in the vertigo. So I have to be more careful about those points in the future in order to support myself as one and equal with my physical body more effectively.

In regards to vertigo being related to biting/squeezing teeth together, I wish to share some incredible story. A few years ago I attended some meditation group meeting in our local public library basement room. That day we were to learn a special relaxation technique, developed by some person who had an accident and could not move any part of the body, except the jaw. The doctors predicted that he would not recover and would have to spent the rest of the life lying in the bed. But after a while he got some inner guidance that told him to start slowly and gently opening and closing the jaw repeatedly. After practicing this technique, his body slowly came back to life, until he completely recovered and was able to move fully, like before he had the accident. So I also started to experiment with that tool in and I am making sure that I am not biting my teeth together and thus producing any tension.
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2010 - Repeating strong vertigo research

I have been again experiencing extremely strong vertigo today and I want to find the reason for it in order not to be repeated again. This kind of vertigo started to appear about two years ago and it repeated a couple of times a year. The last vertigo I experienced, and which was the worst so far, lasting and only slowly diminishing in the period of one week, happened 12. October 2010, and I wrote about it this blog post, which I also posted in my blogs thread at Desteni Open Forum:

Having the vertigo all day

http://valentinrozman.blogspot.com/2010/10/having-vertigo-whole-day.html

I expected to receive some support, but I did received no comment whatsoever. Today I searched for the Desteni Open Forum and found this relevant thread, started 23. October 2010 from Georg Haeussler:

Vertigo

http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?f=288&t=18894

Marlen suggested writing and applying self-forgiveness on the points, related to experiencing the vertigo again in order to regain self-directive principle. Ann suggested to check for infected teeth since it can make the balance fall away. Brett suggested to research fo Mitral Valve Prolapse Syndrome since it is often misdiagnosed as just vertigo. Rebeca shared her experience of nausea to be related to judgment of the people around her and how she stopped it using breath. Georg added that blood sugar level also places a role since the vertigo episodes tend to be more severe if he hadn't eaten in a while. Ralf explained that many of vertigos come from very small particles in your inner ear, suggested to investigate http://www.neuro24.de/s3.htm article, explained how muscle tensions in the neck and related parts in your back is another possibility and shared his experience of vertigo for more than a year coming and going until he realized that the reason was biting his tooth together under stress and while sleeping and that the big picture of every illness is a result of your belief system, starting with a though till it manifests as a sub system in your mind conscious system, till this finally affects your body.

I am going to check my blood at the doctor on Monday, research my mind-patterns possibly related to vertigo and write it in my next blog and I would like to ask everyone, especially Bernard and Sunette/Resonances to give me any additional feedback in order to point out the cause for my vertigo, so I am posting this blog post also to Desteni Subscription Forum.
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2010 - Breath orgasm instead of masturbating

Starting 4. September 2010 I have managed to stop masturbating until one week ago, that is 24. November 2010, so almost 3 full months. It was very cool, since I had no temptations and the head of my penis was very unresponsive to touch. But lately I have been exposed to many sexual scenes simply by catching some short part of movies while visiting my father and while watching some South Park cartoons. It is odd that creators of cartoons included scenes of children jerking off dicks of dogs, sexual intercourse acts and very pictures language. Being exposed to these images and words, my sex system obviously reactivated and I started to have sexual dreams. I also had a business meeting with some masseur, who told me, that people are asking her if she also offers massage where female masseurs are naked and they give customers a massage of the penis until they come. She was frown upon this questions, but she expressed her believe that occasional ejaculation is beneficial since this way you get rid of impurities that are building up in the liver.

So I decided to experience orgasm again and I masturbated, sitting on the couch in my living room. And I also masturbated the next day in the bathroom. In both occasions I had my eyes opened and I watched my penis and observed the flow of energies. No thoughts or images were involved. I wanted to be totally aware of everything that was happening in order to understand the sex system. I was not very proud of myself to indulge this act, and I wanted to transform it. Some weeks ago I have watched the series on breath orgasm, but I did not need to practice it, since no energy compounded that would be necessary to distribute. But now, since the sex system came alive again, I decided to test it. Yesterday while I was taking a shower, I started to touch all the parts of my body and breathed deeply in order to distribute the energy to every cell of my body. I experienced tingling feeling in the whole of my body, as I have been experienced it on some occasions before, when doing some yoga breathing techniques. I enjoyed it and I also allowed myself to scream, but not very loud, since I did not want to attract attention of my neighbors. I don't know if what I have experienced was a breath orgasm, or if the experience of breath orgasm should be something different or more intense, since feelings are difficult to describe and compare.

I will use the breath orgasm tool to release any build up of energy from now one. I have noticed, that classical genital orgasm somehow pulls the energy from the lower back of my legs and then fuels the mind helmet that is suppressing me. Rubbing the penis is also linked with the desire to have a partner to have sex with, so that you would enjoy the feeling of enclosed penis with soft, warm and moist vagina, butt or mouth hole. Practicing genital orgasm is driving you towards seeking for a partner and thus the whole life starts to revolve around being alert and searching for someone that could become your sex partner. You do not see others as living beings anymore but just as a walking vaginas, created only to give you penis a sexual pleasure. Breath orgasm obviously removes this need, since you distribute the energy to all parts of your body simply by breath and with caressing yourself. There is no need to stimulate just a certain part of your body in certain way and you do not need to be naked. Instead of mechanical stimulation of the penis, the source of pleasure is transformed from just one region of the body to the whole body. Your entire body becomes the sexual organ. You do not need a partner to give yourself an orgasm and thus you free yourself from any need of any other beings in order to enjoy orgasm. Fascinating!
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