I am more and more sorting out my life, and yesterday I have tidied up all my stuff so the kitchen and living room and computer desk is finally clean thus I can now fully focus on my projects. Now I have to process the photos from my blogging in nature and from one business projects where I shot the photos for one wine producer. Then I could also start to edit videos from my visit at Desteni farm. I am still learning the professional video editing software and all the points that I need to learn are quite extensive. I want to make the best of the video clips so I want to firstly know what is possible to do with this tools in order to produce high quality of the final videos. I have also decided to buy a professional video camera and I plan to produce high quality videos that would support Desteni and equality system. Since I plan to do a lot of shots also in nature, I plan also to buy a pro video camera backpack that will enable me to carry the camera everywhere, also to the high mountains. I will then invite Destonians from Slovenia to come with the script to produce many interesting videos to expose atrocities of this world and introduce Desteni solutions to the masses.
While studying how to use video editing software I became overwhelmed with the extensive options to pimp-up the projects. You can get in great perfection in regards to clip sequencing, transitions, colour toning, special effects, and audio is also very important point here. I visited some video studio and saw how many people collaborate on video projects. Script editors, directors, camera operators, boom audio operators, green keying masters, scene artists, sound masters, speakers, actors, costume creators, video editors, and many assistants that carry and set extensive amount of all sort of technical equipment. So video is quite a complex and time consuming product and it needs a lot of people and very detailed planning in order to bring the perfect result. Of course one man can also create video projects from start to beginning, and I will firstly practice at video creation as one man band, and then expand as the projects will get more extensive.
I wonder what is happening with my recruit since he missed our first online chat and he has not been responding to my emails ever since. I sent him my introduction videos and blogs in order for him to find out more about me, and maybe he got scared about all that stuff and has quit. Or maybe he has some other projects on his mind and does not have time to start the process yet. I will never know exactly what is going on in his life currently until he reconnects with me. Since he is very far away, in China, I am not able to contact him easily. So all that I have left is wait for him to contact me again.
Past Friday was quite exhausting day since I went to capital city Ljubljana, and had a few meetings, shopping and apartment inspection. While driving in the car I now usually do some voice recordings and make vlogs when I return home. So I produced three extensive vlogs that explain Desteni solutions like Equal Money System, why it is impossible to have no money system, and how Desteni relates to Buddhism. I have started to reply people's questions in form of vlogs since it is very practical and I do not have to constantly repeat myself and answer frequent questions all the time. Some people have reacted to my voice, since I speak very strongly, thinking that I am angry. But this is just the way of pushing myself to voice myself, since I have been all my life very quiet and did not speak much. When speaking in the company, others had difficult to hear me due to my quiet voice, but now I am pushing myself to express myself vocally and speak out as true self, as the physical, from starting point of self-honesty and what is best for all.
Yesterday on Saturday I did a lot of things and my head started to feel very heavy. My whole body became very tired at the evening, also due to a lot of physical activity since I transported a lot of things to the attic in order to make more place in my living room. I went to bed quite early, about 8 p.m., and I have now a bucket prepared in case if vertigo and nausea would hit me again in the bed. I woke up at 6 a.m. and I feel very rested and my head is clear. When falling to sleep I was wondering about myself, about who I am in relation to all the existence and how do other perceive me and my actions. All my life I have been in a position of submissive person and waiting for others to tell me what I do. I did not direct myself towards what is best for all, but just to please people around me in order to protect my life style and my personality. And yesterday I tried to see myself through the eyes of others and understand that I need to release my addiction to other people's opinion and become totally independent and take full responsibility for everything I do. For the first time I saw me as part of life and decided to change myself completely in order to become functional an supportive part of this existence.
I need now to end my writing since I have to go to Jesenice and pick my grandmother and then drive her here and then to her religious group meeting, like I do every Sunday. The weather is expecting to be clear and sunny, and I might go to mountains for several hours, because it has been a week since my last hiking. I also need to complete my mind construct for the Desteni I Process course since I have been procrastinating with it for many days.
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15 April 2011
2011 - I got my first recruit
It is 1am and I again can't sleep. After last self-forgiveness, I felt very refreshed and my head was crystal clear the next day, but now thoughts started to accumulate again, so it is time to do some more writing.
Yesterday morning when I woke up, my body felt very tired and my muscles hurt, obviously from the extensive mountain climbing several days ago. Only now muscles started to regenerate, so I decided to listen to my physical body and continue to rest. The weather also started to become more cold and cloudy, and perhaps this contributed to my feeling of sleepiness. It was not until 12 a.m. when I finally made myself to go out of my bed.
I had I first online chat scheduled with my first Desteni I Process recruit who became my FaceBook friend just four days ago, and he immediately went to recruitment centre and selected me as his recruiter. And what is even more strange is, that he is Slovenian, but moved to China several years ago, got married there and now he has been working there ever since. We have a 6 hours time difference, and since he wanted to chat with me at 7 p.m. China time, I needed to wait for him at 1 p.m. Central European time. Since I learned that things can never go exactly according to plans, I stated to write my Slovenian blog post while staying online and waiting for him to connect with me via Skype. I finished my blog post at 3:30 p.m., but he still did not connect. So I then sent him a message to arrange for another time frame.
I then watched and shared the new Desteni videos and communicated on the new Slovenian FaceBook group that I created a week ago called Practical Manifestation of Heaven on Earth. I invited many FaceBook friends of mine in this group, but some have started to react on published material and allowed themselves to emotionally react. I tried to explain them the points, but it was in vain. They became totally pissed of and complained that there is too little love and acceptance in this group and that they do not feel good, so they left. And it is cool that they left the group, since I want only the ones that are willing to stand up for life and equality to participate.
All the people who left were over 40 years old and they all had many experiences in field of spirituality end esoteric new age. I had a hunch that these people will be problematic the first moment when I checked their profile, but I wanted to give them a chance. Now I learned that it is better to listen to myself and understand that older and spiritual people are the last who will want to really change themselves and support all living beings as one and equal. So I will be focusing only on those who are younger, from about 20 - 30 years of age, who are not drug or alcohol or emotional addicts.
It is 2 a.m. and I feel tired. Too tired to continue to write. I wander if I should push myself and write more and even do some self-forgiveness, or was it enough to write this in order to calm my mind and become able to fall asleep. Or maybe this is just my ego justification, protecting itself. My eyes are getting heavy, and I decided that I will rather stop and try to sleep and continue next time. I have many plans today, I plan to go to Ljubljana, test the video camera, buy some stuff, meet some people, check some real estates, so it is better to give myself a good sleep.
.
Yesterday morning when I woke up, my body felt very tired and my muscles hurt, obviously from the extensive mountain climbing several days ago. Only now muscles started to regenerate, so I decided to listen to my physical body and continue to rest. The weather also started to become more cold and cloudy, and perhaps this contributed to my feeling of sleepiness. It was not until 12 a.m. when I finally made myself to go out of my bed.
I had I first online chat scheduled with my first Desteni I Process recruit who became my FaceBook friend just four days ago, and he immediately went to recruitment centre and selected me as his recruiter. And what is even more strange is, that he is Slovenian, but moved to China several years ago, got married there and now he has been working there ever since. We have a 6 hours time difference, and since he wanted to chat with me at 7 p.m. China time, I needed to wait for him at 1 p.m. Central European time. Since I learned that things can never go exactly according to plans, I stated to write my Slovenian blog post while staying online and waiting for him to connect with me via Skype. I finished my blog post at 3:30 p.m., but he still did not connect. So I then sent him a message to arrange for another time frame.
I then watched and shared the new Desteni videos and communicated on the new Slovenian FaceBook group that I created a week ago called Practical Manifestation of Heaven on Earth. I invited many FaceBook friends of mine in this group, but some have started to react on published material and allowed themselves to emotionally react. I tried to explain them the points, but it was in vain. They became totally pissed of and complained that there is too little love and acceptance in this group and that they do not feel good, so they left. And it is cool that they left the group, since I want only the ones that are willing to stand up for life and equality to participate.
All the people who left were over 40 years old and they all had many experiences in field of spirituality end esoteric new age. I had a hunch that these people will be problematic the first moment when I checked their profile, but I wanted to give them a chance. Now I learned that it is better to listen to myself and understand that older and spiritual people are the last who will want to really change themselves and support all living beings as one and equal. So I will be focusing only on those who are younger, from about 20 - 30 years of age, who are not drug or alcohol or emotional addicts.
It is 2 a.m. and I feel tired. Too tired to continue to write. I wander if I should push myself and write more and even do some self-forgiveness, or was it enough to write this in order to calm my mind and become able to fall asleep. Or maybe this is just my ego justification, protecting itself. My eyes are getting heavy, and I decided that I will rather stop and try to sleep and continue next time. I have many plans today, I plan to go to Ljubljana, test the video camera, buy some stuff, meet some people, check some real estates, so it is better to give myself a good sleep.
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13 April 2011
2011 - Exposing nasty tricks of my ego
It is 3am and I am not able to sleep. This is a very rare case and I can not remember the last case when the thoughts did not let me to rest. I also feel a bit of muscle pain in legs and shoulders, probably due to starting to go in the mountains twice a week and picking very steep slopes and using walking sticks. I went to bed 2 hours ago, so that will be at 1am. I have been indoor for the whole day and did not go outside even for a bit, and I spent a lot of time in front of computer. I have started to clean the mess in my room, so I managed to tidy up the bags and photo equipment, sort out all the papers, pay all the bills, wash the dishes, so my living room floor, computer desk and kitchen is now in order. All that is still left to do is to iron the laundry and I am basically done.
So yesterday afternoon, after I finished the main stuff, I have continued to think about if I should also buy low-entry professional camcorder in order to have more options for shooting video and also add professional video services to my professional photography services. Now I have already invested a lot in still and studio photography, and the DSLR camera that I bought is also able to shoot Full HD video. I basically wanted to buy the DSLR with video capability due to need of shooting vlogs for my Desteni I Process. I previously recorded some vlogs on my MacBook that has integrated camera, but I was not satisfied with the low resolution and my face blown-up due to perspective distortion. And now, after I purchased the DSLR with video capability, I found out that it can shoot maximum 20 minutes of continuous video. That would be sufficient until recently, since YouTube limited the length of uploaded videos to firstly 10 minutes and then to 15 minutes.
But then my English YouTube channel got automatically upgraded to more that 15 minutes, so I am now able to shoot vlogs with basically unlimited length. This is very cool, since I was not fun of having to set the stop watch and constantly watch the time in order to finish talking before I reach the video length limit. So now I am procrastinating with shooting vlogs due to excuse that I will not feel totally comfortable and relaxed due to DSLR camera 20 minutes limitation. I want to be able to have a camera that would record at least one hour of continuous video in order for me not having to fear that the camera will stop recording before I say whatever I want to say. Thus yesterday I have been checking different video camera models that will be the best combination of quality, ergonomics, capability and price range in order to use it for my vlogs as also for professional videography. I also want to buy a more stable video camera tripod with the video head that would allow me much more smooth video panning. And I even checked the models of glidecam video camera support systems that would enable me to shoot stable video even during walking or running.
I love to shoot photos and video, but the part that I dislike the most is the post-production, especially in moving pictures. Even in still photography there is a lot of options to adjust colour, do retouch, different composition, so I could spend hours, even days enhancing one single photo. And now in the video, you have 30 picture per second. They are of course much lower resolution in comparison to still photos, and you have almost none options of cropping and rotating the video, but now you have a timeline to deal with and also sound to be careful about. So it takes extensive amount of time to edit and then also to render the video, and there are a lot of options for colour manipulation and to do special video effects. You can practically create virtual video scene just using the computer. And with the combination with the green screen keying there is even more potentials of combining video clips and express yourself in video artistry. While considering all this, I have to be careful about not get carried away and ignore the rest of my life that is more important that doing the graphic, photo and video creative work. I need to stop being so perfectionistic, but even this would be in order of I would not be in a way restless inside, full of self-judgement about what I do.
This patterns of trying to do the best, of being perfect is very troublesome phenomena. It is hard to be the judge of when the product is perfect enough and when it is time to stop and say: "It is finished". It is strange the rules of beauty, the "sacred" geometry, the golden ratio, the Fibonacci spiral, a pre-defined and pre-programmed patterns that trap me in the mind and CON-sciousness. Where is here life, where is here the freedom of expression, the awareness of the totality of what exists here? And in spite of me being a successful freelancer and apparently model member of society, there is a lot of subtle conflicts existing deep inside of me. The invisible enemy within, the self-deceiver, the cunning back-chat that is destroying me without me consciously being aware off it. It accumulates very slowly, very silently, and then it hits me with brutal force without warning. I mean, there are warning, but they are so subtle that I miss to notice them and ignore them as unimportant. But basically it is still my responsibility and there is no place for justification. It is I who deliberately ignored all the warnings, and allowed myself for the energetic feelings of the mind to seduce me and totally blind be.
And now the consequences get manifested faster and faster, so there is no room for me to bullshit any longer, things are getting fucking serious. For example just before I went to sleep today, I was checking the mail and noticed six of email notifications that Blaž sent me while sharing the documents for translation of Equal Money System book. I opened the messages and noticed that it were just links to Google Docs files and that I dont's need them, since I am able to find the files any time by logging into my Google account. So I selected all six of messages and wanted to click on delete button. But in the moment of clicking the button - BOOM. My head shifted left in a blink of an eye for about 10 centimetres and HELLO VERTIGO! I think: "Fuck, what the hell, not again!" But luckily it did not persist and I was able to quite normally go to the bathroom and to the bed. But o my, is this a tricky phenomena. I must of had some very tiny subconscious reaction, some kind of fear or anxiety that triggered this vertigo. This is such interesting support, disabling me to allow any kind of subconscious self-judgements. I am in a way thankful for that kind of support from the physical, but it is so very hard to be clear inside, without holding to any conflicting definition.
The FEAR! I will definitely need to work more on removing the fear patterns, all the self-judgements that I have accepted and allowed and projected towards others instead of taking responsibility for their creation and self-forgiving them. I have noticed that I have become much more emotionally stable, that I have been able to communicate with others without projecting my emotional reactions in my words, talking by using common sense and what is best for all, but this has been only my personality disguise. I feel like I am able to support others to benefit from Desteni tools of self-realisation and support the equality system consciously, but there is a lot of work to do in my subconscious and unconscious level of the mind. Constant back-chat, voices in my head that make me think if what I do is right, if it is the best, if there is maybe not a better way to do it, and the feeling that there is no time, that I need to hurry, to rush, before this world goes to hell completely. A complex of saviour, of light warrior on the mission to fight the darkness and remove all the evil from existence. Without being aware that true evil is inside me, that it is deep in my mind, using all sort of tricks. Ego is the master of deception, and I need to start recognising all his tricks before it will destroy me completely.
So yesterday afternoon, after I finished the main stuff, I have continued to think about if I should also buy low-entry professional camcorder in order to have more options for shooting video and also add professional video services to my professional photography services. Now I have already invested a lot in still and studio photography, and the DSLR camera that I bought is also able to shoot Full HD video. I basically wanted to buy the DSLR with video capability due to need of shooting vlogs for my Desteni I Process. I previously recorded some vlogs on my MacBook that has integrated camera, but I was not satisfied with the low resolution and my face blown-up due to perspective distortion. And now, after I purchased the DSLR with video capability, I found out that it can shoot maximum 20 minutes of continuous video. That would be sufficient until recently, since YouTube limited the length of uploaded videos to firstly 10 minutes and then to 15 minutes.
But then my English YouTube channel got automatically upgraded to more that 15 minutes, so I am now able to shoot vlogs with basically unlimited length. This is very cool, since I was not fun of having to set the stop watch and constantly watch the time in order to finish talking before I reach the video length limit. So now I am procrastinating with shooting vlogs due to excuse that I will not feel totally comfortable and relaxed due to DSLR camera 20 minutes limitation. I want to be able to have a camera that would record at least one hour of continuous video in order for me not having to fear that the camera will stop recording before I say whatever I want to say. Thus yesterday I have been checking different video camera models that will be the best combination of quality, ergonomics, capability and price range in order to use it for my vlogs as also for professional videography. I also want to buy a more stable video camera tripod with the video head that would allow me much more smooth video panning. And I even checked the models of glidecam video camera support systems that would enable me to shoot stable video even during walking or running.
I love to shoot photos and video, but the part that I dislike the most is the post-production, especially in moving pictures. Even in still photography there is a lot of options to adjust colour, do retouch, different composition, so I could spend hours, even days enhancing one single photo. And now in the video, you have 30 picture per second. They are of course much lower resolution in comparison to still photos, and you have almost none options of cropping and rotating the video, but now you have a timeline to deal with and also sound to be careful about. So it takes extensive amount of time to edit and then also to render the video, and there are a lot of options for colour manipulation and to do special video effects. You can practically create virtual video scene just using the computer. And with the combination with the green screen keying there is even more potentials of combining video clips and express yourself in video artistry. While considering all this, I have to be careful about not get carried away and ignore the rest of my life that is more important that doing the graphic, photo and video creative work. I need to stop being so perfectionistic, but even this would be in order of I would not be in a way restless inside, full of self-judgement about what I do.
This patterns of trying to do the best, of being perfect is very troublesome phenomena. It is hard to be the judge of when the product is perfect enough and when it is time to stop and say: "It is finished". It is strange the rules of beauty, the "sacred" geometry, the golden ratio, the Fibonacci spiral, a pre-defined and pre-programmed patterns that trap me in the mind and CON-sciousness. Where is here life, where is here the freedom of expression, the awareness of the totality of what exists here? And in spite of me being a successful freelancer and apparently model member of society, there is a lot of subtle conflicts existing deep inside of me. The invisible enemy within, the self-deceiver, the cunning back-chat that is destroying me without me consciously being aware off it. It accumulates very slowly, very silently, and then it hits me with brutal force without warning. I mean, there are warning, but they are so subtle that I miss to notice them and ignore them as unimportant. But basically it is still my responsibility and there is no place for justification. It is I who deliberately ignored all the warnings, and allowed myself for the energetic feelings of the mind to seduce me and totally blind be.
And now the consequences get manifested faster and faster, so there is no room for me to bullshit any longer, things are getting fucking serious. For example just before I went to sleep today, I was checking the mail and noticed six of email notifications that Blaž sent me while sharing the documents for translation of Equal Money System book. I opened the messages and noticed that it were just links to Google Docs files and that I dont's need them, since I am able to find the files any time by logging into my Google account. So I selected all six of messages and wanted to click on delete button. But in the moment of clicking the button - BOOM. My head shifted left in a blink of an eye for about 10 centimetres and HELLO VERTIGO! I think: "Fuck, what the hell, not again!" But luckily it did not persist and I was able to quite normally go to the bathroom and to the bed. But o my, is this a tricky phenomena. I must of had some very tiny subconscious reaction, some kind of fear or anxiety that triggered this vertigo. This is such interesting support, disabling me to allow any kind of subconscious self-judgements. I am in a way thankful for that kind of support from the physical, but it is so very hard to be clear inside, without holding to any conflicting definition.
The FEAR! I will definitely need to work more on removing the fear patterns, all the self-judgements that I have accepted and allowed and projected towards others instead of taking responsibility for their creation and self-forgiving them. I have noticed that I have become much more emotionally stable, that I have been able to communicate with others without projecting my emotional reactions in my words, talking by using common sense and what is best for all, but this has been only my personality disguise. I feel like I am able to support others to benefit from Desteni tools of self-realisation and support the equality system consciously, but there is a lot of work to do in my subconscious and unconscious level of the mind. Constant back-chat, voices in my head that make me think if what I do is right, if it is the best, if there is maybe not a better way to do it, and the feeling that there is no time, that I need to hurry, to rush, before this world goes to hell completely. A complex of saviour, of light warrior on the mission to fight the darkness and remove all the evil from existence. Without being aware that true evil is inside me, that it is deep in my mind, using all sort of tricks. Ego is the master of deception, and I need to start recognising all his tricks before it will destroy me completely.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to forget to breathe effectively and thus allowing my mind to move and thought to be produced, instead of realising that absolute attention on my breath in every moment need to be held in order for me to stay here and direct myself towards what is best for all without the past of holding me in its claws.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to be afraid that I will not be able to support myself if I invest too much money in my professional equipment, that I might run out of money and not be able to get enough clients that will be able to pay for my services, instead of realising that even if I buy a very expensive camera, I will still have enough money left to pay for all my basic need for several years.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to ask too many people on the FaceBook to become my friends due to my obsession with introducing as many people as possible with Desteni solution and thus compromising my FaceBook profile to be blocked, instead of realising that I need to slow down extensively and focus on my own process, and that in time enough people will find out about Desteni to finally practically manifest heaven on earth.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to procrastinate at doing my vlogs, fearing that others will judge me if I vlog using only monitor-integrated video camera due to low resolution and perspective distortion and that they will make fun of me, instead of realising that vlogs are not to impress others with visual quality, but to support myself in total self-honesty, helping me to get aware of my mind-patterns, and thus quality of video is really not important as long as audio is good enough for others to hear me clearly what I am saying in order to support me and point out any subtle self-deceptions.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to procrastinate with editing the photos that I shot for a client that is my father's friend due to my father not pushing me constantly, instead of realising that I need to take good care about my business and make the professional jobs my priority in order to be effective in this reality and not get completely broke due to believe that money is bad and that I am not worth of becoming wealthy.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to rush and be afraid that I will run out of time and thus not being effective at finishing all my projects, instead of realising that the time is only the projection of the mind, that what matters is only what is here, and that I need to organise my time, breathe effectively and complete all the projects breathe by breathe, one at a time.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to become overwhelmed with the potentials of expression using digital technology and loosing myself in all the options, instead of realising that I will never need all the options and be able to learn all the tricks, and that this is completely irrelevant, since I need to learn and use only the options that are required to successfully complete my projects.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to use words to justify my ego, thinking that only talking will also sort my mind bullshit, instead of realising that I will be able to purify my true self only with focusing on myself and in total self-honesty and self-forgive all tiny self-deceptions, without any want to be or become something more that others due to doing the process of self-realisation.
- I focus on myself, support myself firstly, do the process with total self-honesty and complete dedication, as one and equal with others, take care of my private and business life, and then only spending the rest of my time to share information about Desteni with others.
It is 5:30am, I feel like I have done enough for this moment and I will continue to face myself without mercy in my next blogs and vlogs.
.
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11 April 2011
2011 - Fear attacked me again, stronger than ever
Today fear attacked me once again. It has been about 6 weeks since the last attack that happened while I was visiting Desteni farm in South Africa. Bernard warned me that if I continue my activities without effectively doing my process, it will reappear. But I did not believe that it will happen again since I perceived the support on the farm to be effective enough to release the most of the fear energy from my body. But I was wrong. Terribly wrong. Today in the morning, while I was lying in the bed, in the moment when I started to wake up from my sleep, it hit me stronger than ever. It was immediate vertigo, making me totally helpless and not able to move even a bit. All what I could do is to stay laying down and breathe. Then the temperature of my body increased and I started to sweat extensively. I mean, I was soaking wet, like if I would jump in the water. I expected for vertigo to go away soon, as usual, but it just continued and continued. Then, after a while, nausea started to appear and I had to vomit. I started to rise while vertigo making me very unstable and I rushed to the toilet next door. I vomited, but of course only saliva, since my stomach digested all the food during the night. After I while I returned to bed and continued to lye down, waiting for vertigo to disappear. But it still persisted, and even nausea reappeared again. It was so strong and sudden that I was unable to stand up and go to bathroom, so I just opened the drawer of the bedside cabinet and puked into it. This nausea attack continued and I puked in the cabinet for more than 10 times. I don't know exactly when I firstly woke up and when the vertigo finally completely went away, but I have a feeling that it took at least 3 hours. After it passed, I rouse up, cleaned the cabinet and took a shower.
While experiencing fear attack, I felt that is was coming out of my belly region, a few centimetres bellow my belly button, and it spread throughout my whole body. Parallel to this feeling, a lot of thoughts flashed through my head. It were all the thought of fear about what others might say, how others will judge me, criticise me, and not accept me. This back-chat followed me also yesterday when I was working on computer, sharing information about Desteni, and before that, when I went to the mountains for a couple of hours. I have now decided that I will climb at least one big hill twice a week to ground myself and to loose excessive weight that accumulated due to lack of physical activity in past several months. I take my laptop and camera with me so I can blog in nature and do some auto portraits of myself blogging at interesting locations. While I walk up the hills, I pay attention to breathe effectively and not allow any thought to run through my head. If I am not able to stop them by breathing, I stop and speak out self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement. But the back-chat is very persistent, and it bothers me constantly. Especially about what people could think when I publish my photos of blogging in nature on my FaceBook profile. If I title them "Blogging in nature", will they see this only me, wanting to make myself important, will they become envious, will they judge me? Because I did not actually blog on every specific place where I took the picture. Sometimes it started to rain when I reached the top of the mountain, sometimes it was already so late that I had to return in order to escape darkness, and sometimes the place with the interesting view was too uncomfortable to blog. So I will have to include this info in the description of my photo gallery in order to be completely honest about that. Basically my starting point was just to show a bit of my surrounding while making the pictures more interesting by putting myself blogging in it and thus also inviting other to also start to write themselves to freedom.
Lately I have been very obsessed with sharing information about Desteni, creating a new FaceBook group, and doing extensive comments as many people have asked questions and needed explanation. My room is total mess, the same with my kitchen, since I procrastinate to tidy things up due to defining this as unimportant. It is time to stop this obsession and support myself first. I have allowed myself to play a role of saviour, of the one who needs to fix this world, without understanding that I have to fix myself firstly. I see a lot of this mind patterns to come from my father, who has all his life helped others, made a lot of technological improvements and innovations, and is still trying to impress others by creating products that captivate his clients. And he raised me to be the same, even better, to use latest technology and computers in order to create great graphic designs. But he did not care much about focusing on self and doing some kind of intense realisation techniques. So I have to break this spell of the past, of how I was raised, and start to support myself more effectively and not being so dependant from other's people opinions. I do not need for others to tell me what is right and what is wrong, since it is always their own opinion, based on their own accepted and allowed believes and desires, and this is not the ultimate truth at all. I am able to clearly support myself by moving breath by breath, applying simple principle of what is best for all. So no fear needs to be created of what others might think if I do what is best for all. By following this principle, I never harm anyone and thus I do not have to fear that others will also want to harm me. But of course, I will have to be careful that what I do is really what is best for all, and it is best to check with more people for their perspective in order to remove my subtle self-deceptions of believing that something I do is best for all while in fact it is not.
While experiencing fear attack, I felt that is was coming out of my belly region, a few centimetres bellow my belly button, and it spread throughout my whole body. Parallel to this feeling, a lot of thoughts flashed through my head. It were all the thought of fear about what others might say, how others will judge me, criticise me, and not accept me. This back-chat followed me also yesterday when I was working on computer, sharing information about Desteni, and before that, when I went to the mountains for a couple of hours. I have now decided that I will climb at least one big hill twice a week to ground myself and to loose excessive weight that accumulated due to lack of physical activity in past several months. I take my laptop and camera with me so I can blog in nature and do some auto portraits of myself blogging at interesting locations. While I walk up the hills, I pay attention to breathe effectively and not allow any thought to run through my head. If I am not able to stop them by breathing, I stop and speak out self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement. But the back-chat is very persistent, and it bothers me constantly. Especially about what people could think when I publish my photos of blogging in nature on my FaceBook profile. If I title them "Blogging in nature", will they see this only me, wanting to make myself important, will they become envious, will they judge me? Because I did not actually blog on every specific place where I took the picture. Sometimes it started to rain when I reached the top of the mountain, sometimes it was already so late that I had to return in order to escape darkness, and sometimes the place with the interesting view was too uncomfortable to blog. So I will have to include this info in the description of my photo gallery in order to be completely honest about that. Basically my starting point was just to show a bit of my surrounding while making the pictures more interesting by putting myself blogging in it and thus also inviting other to also start to write themselves to freedom.
Lately I have been very obsessed with sharing information about Desteni, creating a new FaceBook group, and doing extensive comments as many people have asked questions and needed explanation. My room is total mess, the same with my kitchen, since I procrastinate to tidy things up due to defining this as unimportant. It is time to stop this obsession and support myself first. I have allowed myself to play a role of saviour, of the one who needs to fix this world, without understanding that I have to fix myself firstly. I see a lot of this mind patterns to come from my father, who has all his life helped others, made a lot of technological improvements and innovations, and is still trying to impress others by creating products that captivate his clients. And he raised me to be the same, even better, to use latest technology and computers in order to create great graphic designs. But he did not care much about focusing on self and doing some kind of intense realisation techniques. So I have to break this spell of the past, of how I was raised, and start to support myself more effectively and not being so dependant from other's people opinions. I do not need for others to tell me what is right and what is wrong, since it is always their own opinion, based on their own accepted and allowed believes and desires, and this is not the ultimate truth at all. I am able to clearly support myself by moving breath by breath, applying simple principle of what is best for all. So no fear needs to be created of what others might think if I do what is best for all. By following this principle, I never harm anyone and thus I do not have to fear that others will also want to harm me. But of course, I will have to be careful that what I do is really what is best for all, and it is best to check with more people for their perspective in order to remove my subtle self-deceptions of believing that something I do is best for all while in fact it is not.
- I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that it is best for me to share Desteni information to others as much as possible, making sure that everyone's question is answered, any comment replied, every friendship accepted, and then only spending rest of the time for my personal stuff, instead of realising that it is not for me to be the head of Desteni Slovenia and do all the correspondence, that it is enough material out there on the internet for everyone to research for themselves if they are really interested in self-purification and making this world a better place.
- I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear that if I do not prove myself with constant sharing of solutions for this world, others will not accept me as model member of society, instead of realising that I have a limited capacity of supporting solutions that will bring a better world, and that I will only be able to participate effectively if I firstly take good care of my personal life and then only spend the rest of my time on changing the system and supporting others.
- I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be judged by others if they see my pictures of me blogging, fearing that they will interpret them as me bragging, instead of realising that picture is simply a picture, a bunch of pixels, and whatever observer imagines that the picture represents, it is his own created believe in his mind and it has nothing to do what the picture really is, namely just a collection of colours and shapes.
- I will always put the priority of sorting out my personal physical reality, the next point will be doing my Desteni I Process, and only the rest of the time will I dedicate to share Desteni information. Self-support first, otherwise I will not be able to support anyone else effectively.
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08 April 2011
2011 - Going deeper in my mind-patterns
After my last blog post, where I asked for additional support, I have been given very detailed support that have assisted me a lot in realising my procrastination at going deeper into my mind and releasing my unconscious mind patterns. I have perceived that my process is adequate since I have done all the Desteni I Process assignment in time. I associated it with public schools programs where you pass if you do all the assignment and then get a degree. So I relied on my buddy to direct me and tell me what I need to do, and focusing the rest of my time to promote Desteni and other personal and business stuff. But after others have expressed their perspective that I am not changing, I have started to realise that in eyes of others my process is not adequate at all. They expected me to be more active in effective self-correction and are pushing me into focusing more on my process and slowing down at spreading the Desteni message. They have told me, that Desteni is not about doing certain things in certain way, but changing yourself to what is best for all. So it is not important what I do, but who I am at what I do. I am still trying to live certain personality and present myself to others as some acceptable part of society, while my true self is not changing at all. I was not aware of that and I am thankful for others to expose my self-deception. However I have decided to face myself fully and do what it needs to be done in order to become acceptable part of this reality, in order to become a supporter of all life from the totality of what I consist of.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that Desteni I Process is like ordinary school where you receive some knowledge and information and then you are done, instead of realising that the process is about becoming self-directive in changing yourself towards what is best for all and that this process never ends.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to blog and vlog from starting point of presenting others the tools and information about Desteni, instead of using blogs and vlogs to support myself and change myself firstly in order to become valid of presenting Desteni to others.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to hide myself behind computer and use the internet as the game where I play the director and direct others in order to get familiar with Desteni, instead of realising that I in the real world am not yet capable of treating others as one and equal as me, so I need to sort myself out firstly.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to compare my age with age of others and believe that I am more self-realised than people who are younger than me, instead of realising that age is not the valid indicator of the level of self-realisation and that I have due to my past way of life, became trapped in my mind extensively.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to compare the length of my process with the length of others and believing that one automatically gets self-realised in time, instead of realising that time has nothing to do with level of self-realisation and that what counts is only the quantity of effective mind deconstruction that one has walked so far.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself that it is not important if I change or not, and that what is best for me to do is only focusing on spreading the Desteni message, instead of realising that Desteni is not about talking the information, but actually becoming the living statement of equality and what is best for all.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to make excuses of what I need to do as priority tasks before I fully start focusing on my process, instead of realising that this is only a deception of the mind, trying to prevent me from facing myself here and now.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to perceive others, especially women from starting point of self-interest, analysing their physical body, their knowledge, ability, financial status and self-realisation level and comparing this qualities to what I have accepted to be as acceptable standards, instead of simply accepting the person without any judgement, as one and equal to me, and living this life by supporting each other equally in every single breath.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that my girlfriend needs to be younger than me, and the fear that others will judge me and point fingers on me, if my girlfriend is older than me, instead of realising that this believe is just a part of social programming that I have been exposed to, that it has nothing to do with practical life, and that the only valid indicator if two are to live together, is the ability to walk and support each other as one and equal.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to change others and judging others for not changing themselves, instead of realising that change can not be enforced or taught from point of knowledge and information, so the only way of changing others is by me becoming the living change firstly and teaching others by living the change practically.
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2011 - How to give an effective support
Within my Deseni process of self-realization, I have been given different kind of support by different people. As part of Desteni I Process life coaching program, one is firstly introduced with basic principles of self-realization like Self-Honestly, Self-Directive Principle, What Is Best For All, Common Sense, mathematical equation 1+1=2, and basic tools like Breathing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application. In next stage of Desteni I Process, one is given more advanced tools, like Mind Constructs and Muscle Communication. And as part of the process, one is requested to have a FaceBook profile, blog and YouTube channel using your real name. The process of blogging and vlogging is a very effective self-supportive tool in order to be able to slow down your thoughts, see your mind-patterns, and remove all your accepted and allowed believes, blames, justifications, projections, manipulations and judgements. These are all the information that, when becoming allowed and accepted into you, prevent you from being able to be here and to accept this reality in every moment of your breath, without triggering any subconscious emotions or feelings.
Within the process, we are supporting each other by following each other's blogs, vlogs, social profiles, forum posts and chats. The ones, who are involved in Desteni I Process, we have our buddies, who are responsible for directing us in order to effectively correct ourselves. When necessary, one is also given a specific support in terms of private videos and direct chats from Bernard, and if one comes to visit Desteni farm in South Africa, one is given even stronger and direct support in order to break as many damaging subconscious patterns as possible. But above all, one is expected to as soon as possible to fully become self-directive in terms what is best for all and to become a constant self-support, since eventually one needs to release dependancy on support from others and unconditionally stand as one and equal to all life.
When receiving support in form of others commenting my blogs posts and blogs, I have appreciated some support as valid and very supportive, and I have experienced some support as not valid an not useful at all. Some have started to comment as soon as they started the process and were not familiar with terminology and had not yet reached sufficient level of self-realisation on order to become a valid supporter, and have just tried to fit into Desteni and become accepted. I was one of them, so I then slowed down with commenting and started to focus more on my own process. Then I have also received a support from Destonians who were in process for many years, and perceived themselves as the ones who walk the talk and are unchallenged authority. They have expressed their perspective about how they perceive me and tried to expose me as someone with agendas of self-interest and not valid to be a member of Desteni group.
I have followed the process of those people throughout past year period and have noticed, that they follow their established patterns of communication and that they do not change. These are Destonians who want to be perfect, just, valid, and protectors of Desteni and all what Desteni stands for. They are producing large quantity of blogs and blogs and are active on formus and do extensive commenting. However in spite of what they are writing and saying, with extensive integration of Desteni vocabulary, I have perceived their support as not valid or effective. I see them as extensively integrating Desteni knowledge and information in their minds, but not actually realised it and integrated it into the physical. I see those people as ones who allow themselves to follow someone's process, and then emotionally react on specific words and information that they stumble upon.
These reactions are very subtle, and are related to unconscious mind patterns of wanting to be perfect, self-judgement and wanting to be a part of the group. These people thus make a great effort to present themselves in the group as valid participants by commenting and reporting others to the leaders of the group in order to impress them. They hold onto very highs standards of self-perfection and are thus very judgmental towards others. Their support is thus from an unconscious starting point of blame and criticism, without they realising this fact for themselves. They perceive their support as valid, and became in time very impatient and angry due to perception that one that they have given the support to does not want to change, instead of realising that they themselves are the one who need to change.
One needs to realise, that you are not able to see one who he really is as totality without firstly totally realising yourself. While you are in the process, you can only perceive others from the perspective of your current level of self-realisation. Thus, those that claim themselves to see others as what they really are, while they are still waking the process, is a clear self-deception. You can try to see others, but in the moment when you try to judge others and claim righteousness, you have in fact fallen. From the perspective of totality of existence, the truth is that no one is completely realised until every single being in existence has become self-realised, and this is what in fact means that we are all equal end one.
So if you want to give the support to others in order to speed-up their process of self-realisation, you have to firstly become one and equal with that person and give support as you would like to receive it if you were in that person's shoes. That means that you have to grasp this person as totality of what he has accepted and became and give the support in a way that he will be capable of accepting and integrating it and to functionally increase his level of self-realisation. So understand that if you give support to someone and this person did not change, this is in fact the indicator that you support was not valid, that you have not became one and equal with this person before giving him the support, that you have supported him from starting point of being someone more, using only knowledge and information, thus you need to take you responsibility, forgive and correct yourself.
This goes for all that have been in the Desteni process for many years, including the ones who have established themselves as leaders. So it is a great art to support others effectively and not allowing yourself and kind of subtle projected impatience, blame or judgement. So let the level of change at people who you have supported to be the indicator of the effectiveness of your support. Do not try to project your failure onto others, but correct your approach and walk the process with others as one and equal.
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Within the process, we are supporting each other by following each other's blogs, vlogs, social profiles, forum posts and chats. The ones, who are involved in Desteni I Process, we have our buddies, who are responsible for directing us in order to effectively correct ourselves. When necessary, one is also given a specific support in terms of private videos and direct chats from Bernard, and if one comes to visit Desteni farm in South Africa, one is given even stronger and direct support in order to break as many damaging subconscious patterns as possible. But above all, one is expected to as soon as possible to fully become self-directive in terms what is best for all and to become a constant self-support, since eventually one needs to release dependancy on support from others and unconditionally stand as one and equal to all life.
When receiving support in form of others commenting my blogs posts and blogs, I have appreciated some support as valid and very supportive, and I have experienced some support as not valid an not useful at all. Some have started to comment as soon as they started the process and were not familiar with terminology and had not yet reached sufficient level of self-realisation on order to become a valid supporter, and have just tried to fit into Desteni and become accepted. I was one of them, so I then slowed down with commenting and started to focus more on my own process. Then I have also received a support from Destonians who were in process for many years, and perceived themselves as the ones who walk the talk and are unchallenged authority. They have expressed their perspective about how they perceive me and tried to expose me as someone with agendas of self-interest and not valid to be a member of Desteni group.
I have followed the process of those people throughout past year period and have noticed, that they follow their established patterns of communication and that they do not change. These are Destonians who want to be perfect, just, valid, and protectors of Desteni and all what Desteni stands for. They are producing large quantity of blogs and blogs and are active on formus and do extensive commenting. However in spite of what they are writing and saying, with extensive integration of Desteni vocabulary, I have perceived their support as not valid or effective. I see them as extensively integrating Desteni knowledge and information in their minds, but not actually realised it and integrated it into the physical. I see those people as ones who allow themselves to follow someone's process, and then emotionally react on specific words and information that they stumble upon.
These reactions are very subtle, and are related to unconscious mind patterns of wanting to be perfect, self-judgement and wanting to be a part of the group. These people thus make a great effort to present themselves in the group as valid participants by commenting and reporting others to the leaders of the group in order to impress them. They hold onto very highs standards of self-perfection and are thus very judgmental towards others. Their support is thus from an unconscious starting point of blame and criticism, without they realising this fact for themselves. They perceive their support as valid, and became in time very impatient and angry due to perception that one that they have given the support to does not want to change, instead of realising that they themselves are the one who need to change.
One needs to realise, that you are not able to see one who he really is as totality without firstly totally realising yourself. While you are in the process, you can only perceive others from the perspective of your current level of self-realisation. Thus, those that claim themselves to see others as what they really are, while they are still waking the process, is a clear self-deception. You can try to see others, but in the moment when you try to judge others and claim righteousness, you have in fact fallen. From the perspective of totality of existence, the truth is that no one is completely realised until every single being in existence has become self-realised, and this is what in fact means that we are all equal end one.
So if you want to give the support to others in order to speed-up their process of self-realisation, you have to firstly become one and equal with that person and give support as you would like to receive it if you were in that person's shoes. That means that you have to grasp this person as totality of what he has accepted and became and give the support in a way that he will be capable of accepting and integrating it and to functionally increase his level of self-realisation. So understand that if you give support to someone and this person did not change, this is in fact the indicator that you support was not valid, that you have not became one and equal with this person before giving him the support, that you have supported him from starting point of being someone more, using only knowledge and information, thus you need to take you responsibility, forgive and correct yourself.
This goes for all that have been in the Desteni process for many years, including the ones who have established themselves as leaders. So it is a great art to support others effectively and not allowing yourself and kind of subtle projected impatience, blame or judgement. So let the level of change at people who you have supported to be the indicator of the effectiveness of your support. Do not try to project your failure onto others, but correct your approach and walk the process with others as one and equal.
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04 April 2011
2011 - Backchat 24. March 2011
This is the example of writing out the back-chat, which are voices or thoughts in ones head, as support to stop the constant uncontrolled self-chat that distracts us from what is really here. The text will be used to develop the Back-Chat phase of Desteni I Process, it has been checked by my buddy and suggested to be published on Demonology web site and here in my blog as support for others.
I see that it is almost two weeks after I returned from Desteni farm, and I have not uploaded any vlog. I think: “What will Bernard think of me? Will he become angry with me? Will he start to disregard me? Will he ban me? Will he think that I am a lost case?” I do not want to make any moves that will result in banning me from Desteni. My intentions of bringing a better world are serious and I see Desteni as organization that has the best practical solutions for making this true, so I would like to stay at Desteni for good.
I feel to have so less capacity at participating in the process, comparing to others. I see how many blog posts and vlogs do other Destonians produce daily, and I am afraid that others would think that I am lazy, that I do nothing, that I do not participate in the process. There is resistance for doing mind constructs and self-forgiveness, but it is not about the process itself. I am willing to do self-forgiveness all day long, but there are so many other things to do.
I see that today is 24. March. I have checked the mail and I see that we are suppose to do and send mind construct and self-forgiveness for the second influential person by 21. March, so I am already three days behind. What will Andrea think of me? Why did she not send me a remainder already? Does she trust me? Did she check the muscle communication and established that it is not necessary to send me a reminder? Or did she forget since she is busy preparing the backchat course. But I see that 28. March is the deadline for this assignment to be done, so there is still four days left.
I procrastinated at doing the memories until yesterday, when I decided to write memories the whole day. I went out in the forest and took the laptop with me. I wanted to test out if I can slow time down by my physical movement, because when I am at home, time goes by so quick. I remember Bernard telling me, while I was on the farm, something about time. Like that time on the farm is moving slowly. So how does he do that? What is time anyway? How come that we perceive time sometimes to pass slowly and sometimes faster? Is this really valid? Does one really do much more work if you have the perception of time moving slowly? Or is this only the perception? Common sense would say that one could do the same amount of work, regardless of the perception of time moving slowly or faster.
What to do next? I decided to continue with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements today, since I want to finish assignment in time. Yesterday I tested if writing mind constructs in nature would be easier. I imagined how the environment in the woods would inspire me to write more, but when I arrived there, I did not feel any difference. I still experienced the same pain on my butt after sitting on the floor for some time. This damn gravity! I want to focus on writing and finish assignment, but this damn pain is distracting my attention. But I guess this is the part of this reality. When writing, I am in my mind, I disregard the physical, but the physical needs to move constantly, otherwise the gravity destroys the physical.
This reminds me on cats, especially cats on Desteni farm, specifically the white and black cat, which can express it so extensively. Well cats are different. They have the fur and are thus protected from elements, they are smaller and can move quicker, jump, go through holes, windows, and elsewhere. Humans are much bigger. We also feed cats, but we need to feed ourselves. No one is preparing food for us. And we are not able to catch and eat raw food, like cats for example who can catch birds and mouse and eat them. We need to grow and prepare food, and that needs a lot of land, planning, storing, cooking, and washing dishes. Man are we humans complicated. I wish I would be a cat. So nice life they have. They just enjoy themselves, sleep, eat, walk around and let humans to caress them. But I can do nothing about it. I am as human now and I need to accept this.
Do cats think? How can they think if they do not use words to communicate? Bernard told me, that all living being have now the same structure of the mind. Previously animals had collective souls and only humans had individual souls, but now even plants are suppose to have the same mind-consciousness system. But what does this mean? Do now even plants think? How is that possible? I feel so baffled about this. And then there is this self-responsibility point and awareness and unconscious mind. What is awareness anyway? What makes you be aware, what is to be awake and what is to sleep? What is reality? Bernard says that the physical is reality. But what is the physical? Is the physical still real when you sleep? Where do you go when you sleep? I mean, how can you define what is real, if the physical can only exist in relation to human physical body senses?
And what are the resonances, what are the dimensions? Are dimensions real or not? Are dimensions parts of the physical or not? If we are here as the physical real, are then dimensions not real, since they are not here as the physical, and we cannot see or hear them? I real is only what you can touch, smell, see, then the dimensions are not real! What is the difference between the mind fantasy and the dimensions? What if dimensions is in fact the mind? What is difference between the mind and dimensions? What is heaven? Does heaven still exist? How is it possible that dimensions have been cleared? Too many questions. There are answers, but what does these answers mean for living here practically in the physical.
I have met some interesting people online. Some girl who Sunette recommended to ask her for a friendship on FaceBook. She is from Slovenia and had a lot of Destonian friends. She looks very attractive to me, the girl of my dreams. Cute face, long blond hair, the dream come true. So I immediately wrote her. I want to know her, ask her to be my partner, marry her, have kids, live happily forever after, you know, the usual stuff, lol. But how she responded surprised me beyond my imagination. She said that she is part of the group who observe Desteni Slovenia group from the beginning, but they did not want to join since they saw that we are fighting for leadership position and do not advance in our process.
They have some kid, about 14 years old who can see auras. He checked auras of all of us, and saw that Sunette does not have any aura, the same as he, of course. He saw that I am making progress, and that visit to the Desteni farm resulted me in loosing aura in the middle of my spine. I became baffled and surprised about this phenomena. They invited me to meet them this Saturday in Ljubljana. They will share their perspective and tools that they use for their own process. I wanted to get together with this girl alone, but she said that they are working as a group and that it is best to meet the whole group, about five of them. This will be very exciting.
And I also met some new girl, who asked me for a friendship on the FaceBook. She said that I have made my appearance everywhere she looked on the FaceBook, and that she had to contact me. We met in person a few days ago. She sent me some picture via mail before, and she was tall, slim, and I replied her that she is quite cute. But when I saw her in person, the first thought that crossed my mind was: “She is ugly.” I mean WTF! Who triggered this reaction. The fucking mind-consciousness system! She had some spot on the face, slim teethe, she smokes and thus her breath was disgusting to me. But she was very advanced in her process, emotionally stable, became very excited about Desteni, and we connected very well. We also had online chat and we discussed the possibility of getting together, what would be the result of our synergy.
But I would prefer the blond girl. Even if she saves her hair eventually, she is so much cuter. I mean, she is even deep in her process, and understands all about Desteni clearly. But what is relationship anyway. Sex is such a small part of life. The primary goal is now for all of us to collaborate and establish the equality system. And then only will we be able to enjoy heaven on earth. Right? Or do we enjoy ourselves already now? Do we allow ourselves to waste time for pleasure while millions suffer pain and starve to death? Or not?
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I see that it is almost two weeks after I returned from Desteni farm, and I have not uploaded any vlog. I think: “What will Bernard think of me? Will he become angry with me? Will he start to disregard me? Will he ban me? Will he think that I am a lost case?” I do not want to make any moves that will result in banning me from Desteni. My intentions of bringing a better world are serious and I see Desteni as organization that has the best practical solutions for making this true, so I would like to stay at Desteni for good.
I feel to have so less capacity at participating in the process, comparing to others. I see how many blog posts and vlogs do other Destonians produce daily, and I am afraid that others would think that I am lazy, that I do nothing, that I do not participate in the process. There is resistance for doing mind constructs and self-forgiveness, but it is not about the process itself. I am willing to do self-forgiveness all day long, but there are so many other things to do.
I see that today is 24. March. I have checked the mail and I see that we are suppose to do and send mind construct and self-forgiveness for the second influential person by 21. March, so I am already three days behind. What will Andrea think of me? Why did she not send me a remainder already? Does she trust me? Did she check the muscle communication and established that it is not necessary to send me a reminder? Or did she forget since she is busy preparing the backchat course. But I see that 28. March is the deadline for this assignment to be done, so there is still four days left.
I procrastinated at doing the memories until yesterday, when I decided to write memories the whole day. I went out in the forest and took the laptop with me. I wanted to test out if I can slow time down by my physical movement, because when I am at home, time goes by so quick. I remember Bernard telling me, while I was on the farm, something about time. Like that time on the farm is moving slowly. So how does he do that? What is time anyway? How come that we perceive time sometimes to pass slowly and sometimes faster? Is this really valid? Does one really do much more work if you have the perception of time moving slowly? Or is this only the perception? Common sense would say that one could do the same amount of work, regardless of the perception of time moving slowly or faster.
What to do next? I decided to continue with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements today, since I want to finish assignment in time. Yesterday I tested if writing mind constructs in nature would be easier. I imagined how the environment in the woods would inspire me to write more, but when I arrived there, I did not feel any difference. I still experienced the same pain on my butt after sitting on the floor for some time. This damn gravity! I want to focus on writing and finish assignment, but this damn pain is distracting my attention. But I guess this is the part of this reality. When writing, I am in my mind, I disregard the physical, but the physical needs to move constantly, otherwise the gravity destroys the physical.
This reminds me on cats, especially cats on Desteni farm, specifically the white and black cat, which can express it so extensively. Well cats are different. They have the fur and are thus protected from elements, they are smaller and can move quicker, jump, go through holes, windows, and elsewhere. Humans are much bigger. We also feed cats, but we need to feed ourselves. No one is preparing food for us. And we are not able to catch and eat raw food, like cats for example who can catch birds and mouse and eat them. We need to grow and prepare food, and that needs a lot of land, planning, storing, cooking, and washing dishes. Man are we humans complicated. I wish I would be a cat. So nice life they have. They just enjoy themselves, sleep, eat, walk around and let humans to caress them. But I can do nothing about it. I am as human now and I need to accept this.
Do cats think? How can they think if they do not use words to communicate? Bernard told me, that all living being have now the same structure of the mind. Previously animals had collective souls and only humans had individual souls, but now even plants are suppose to have the same mind-consciousness system. But what does this mean? Do now even plants think? How is that possible? I feel so baffled about this. And then there is this self-responsibility point and awareness and unconscious mind. What is awareness anyway? What makes you be aware, what is to be awake and what is to sleep? What is reality? Bernard says that the physical is reality. But what is the physical? Is the physical still real when you sleep? Where do you go when you sleep? I mean, how can you define what is real, if the physical can only exist in relation to human physical body senses?
And what are the resonances, what are the dimensions? Are dimensions real or not? Are dimensions parts of the physical or not? If we are here as the physical real, are then dimensions not real, since they are not here as the physical, and we cannot see or hear them? I real is only what you can touch, smell, see, then the dimensions are not real! What is the difference between the mind fantasy and the dimensions? What if dimensions is in fact the mind? What is difference between the mind and dimensions? What is heaven? Does heaven still exist? How is it possible that dimensions have been cleared? Too many questions. There are answers, but what does these answers mean for living here practically in the physical.
I have met some interesting people online. Some girl who Sunette recommended to ask her for a friendship on FaceBook. She is from Slovenia and had a lot of Destonian friends. She looks very attractive to me, the girl of my dreams. Cute face, long blond hair, the dream come true. So I immediately wrote her. I want to know her, ask her to be my partner, marry her, have kids, live happily forever after, you know, the usual stuff, lol. But how she responded surprised me beyond my imagination. She said that she is part of the group who observe Desteni Slovenia group from the beginning, but they did not want to join since they saw that we are fighting for leadership position and do not advance in our process.
They have some kid, about 14 years old who can see auras. He checked auras of all of us, and saw that Sunette does not have any aura, the same as he, of course. He saw that I am making progress, and that visit to the Desteni farm resulted me in loosing aura in the middle of my spine. I became baffled and surprised about this phenomena. They invited me to meet them this Saturday in Ljubljana. They will share their perspective and tools that they use for their own process. I wanted to get together with this girl alone, but she said that they are working as a group and that it is best to meet the whole group, about five of them. This will be very exciting.
And I also met some new girl, who asked me for a friendship on the FaceBook. She said that I have made my appearance everywhere she looked on the FaceBook, and that she had to contact me. We met in person a few days ago. She sent me some picture via mail before, and she was tall, slim, and I replied her that she is quite cute. But when I saw her in person, the first thought that crossed my mind was: “She is ugly.” I mean WTF! Who triggered this reaction. The fucking mind-consciousness system! She had some spot on the face, slim teethe, she smokes and thus her breath was disgusting to me. But she was very advanced in her process, emotionally stable, became very excited about Desteni, and we connected very well. We also had online chat and we discussed the possibility of getting together, what would be the result of our synergy.
But I would prefer the blond girl. Even if she saves her hair eventually, she is so much cuter. I mean, she is even deep in her process, and understands all about Desteni clearly. But what is relationship anyway. Sex is such a small part of life. The primary goal is now for all of us to collaborate and establish the equality system. And then only will we be able to enjoy heaven on earth. Right? Or do we enjoy ourselves already now? Do we allow ourselves to waste time for pleasure while millions suffer pain and starve to death? Or not?
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