2010 - The starting point of my blogs and vlogs

Based on some recent comments, I am now going to dig deeper into what is my starting point of doing blogs and vlogs at this moment.

I have exposed already that I have become used that knowledge and information is what is important on this world in order to succeed and be accepted by others. This is the most prominent general programming that I have received from my parents, educational system and overall media. In the past, there have been many moments where I felt very good about my ability to articulate my verbal expression to the extent that some people were amazed. Like in politics for example, people use uncommon vocabulary simply with awareness that if others are not understanding clearly the meaning of all words that they use, they would be considered as smart and more important than others. I have become used to express myself cerebral to the extent that it has become a part of my default expression. I have found strange to see that some people are not able to understand what I am saying and I have attributed this to their poor vocabulary, since they supposedly did not read as many books as me.

My life has been very much turning around knowledge and information and my approach has been mostly thought logical, analytical and intellectual mind. I have been aligning my movement as the individual system within the collective system, based on the information feedback. So I was not actually moving myself based on some deep realization, and lived basically in my mind. Since Desteni process is about stooping down from the mind into the physical, it is quite hard and challenging process. My initial approach showed my attempts of analyzing the Desteni knowledge, integrating it into my mind and sharing it through my mind. This has resulted in mimicking others, copying words and trying to be like others. I tried to fit in, but fitting into Desteni by using the mind is not very successful. So I am now pushing myself forward with intent to release the mind and to become one with the physical.

Some have suggested me to align my blogs and vlogs with the starting point to support the Desteni Income Plan. I understand this suggestions like I am suppose to emphasize the information about the Income Plan, Introduction To Desteni Course, Structural Resonance Alignment Training and Equal Money System. So, to share the message more extensively and underline their benefits for the individuals as for the world society. I could do that simply by integrating more information into my blogs and vlogs, but I feel like I would be dishonest at this moment. Like so many times before, I have tried to present myself as something more, using certain information or becoming a part of some group. I was in deed seeking for some answers about what is the meaning of life, however I have acted at all this occasions basically from my mind, fanatically shared just the knowledge and information and thus produced the opposite effect. I have learned my lesson and I am not going to make the same mistakes again.

So I am not going to try anymore to use my blogs and vlogs or the Desteni in order make myself important in the eyes of others. I am going to stabilize my feeling and emotions first, and then share the message, tools and the solutions of Desteni. I understand that it is in vein to share something that has not yet become a part of you as the physical. So I am at this moment not trying to 'advertise' everything about Desteni, but only the points that have become a part of my personal realization. I will use my blogs and vlogs in order to share my current self, without attempt to present myself as something that I am actually not. I understand that I have many points to face and release, so that is my primary goal at this moment. I feel too much separated from what Desteni stand for in totality, so I do not want to represent something that has not yet become a part of me, as the living word of who I am.

I would very much like to help others and bring the solutions to this world, but I can not help others if I do not help myself first. We all perceive others through the filter of our personality, so how is one able to support others, if one can not see clearly the root cause of the problems. Helping others has in fact become a common way of running away from facing ourselves. All the pre-conditioned programming that we have accepted, allowed and become need to be released first in order to become qualified for supporting other at the process of self-realization. I understand that there are many problems in this world currently: starvation and wars, and these are the reasons to hurry. But in order to bring the proper solution that would remove the root cause of this problems, one needs to walk slow and collaborate with others in order to bring the best solution that would stand the test of time. There have been many revolutions, many people who have moved masses of people, but they all failed. They were unable to see the whole picture, since they have not yet gained the full understanding of who they are as selves in the first place. So let us now learn from others, from the history, and walk slow and together, in order to not make the same mistake again.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself for wanting to help others, instead of first helping myself and then helping others, since I can only help others to the extent of my personal realization.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to hurry, since if I move fast, I am not able to face all the points that need my attention in order to be effective in making this world a better place.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to work alone in order to feel special, for other people to perceive me as the one with the best solutions, instead of realizing that we are all interconnected, we all contribute to this reality equally, and that we need all to work together as equals in order to bring the heaven on earth.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to perceive life as a road which has a start and the end and has a limited length, so I need to hurry and do as much things as possible, to live as fully as possible, caring just for self-gratification, instead of realizing that time is just a projection of the mind, and that what actually exist is only this present moment. Thus to live means to be fully present with your full awareness here in every moment of every breath and not allowing any thoughts, feelings and emotions to distract me from living here.

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2010 - Birthing myself from the physical

In regards to my Desteni process, I have noticed that I experience some resistance in some ways while reading and watching blogs and vlogs of others, and sharing myself by writing and making movies.

Like when I write, I take a lot of care of my blogs and vlogs to have a certain structural and visual design in order to impress other people. While I write I am very much aware of possibility or the fact, that others will watch my sharing and that they will judge it. Since I have this fear of what will others think of me, I do not allow to open myself up fully, and I limit my self-honesty to the point of not revealing too much of what I am ashamed and embarrassed about. I try to pick certain words and structure it into sentences, so they would feel as much poetic and artistic in the readers mind. I try to impress people with the kind of irony or humor, in order to invoke good feelings when others process what I have written. This is all a part of my self-defense mechanism. And the same goes for the visual design of my blogs and vlogs. I try to do my best, to be perfectionistic and to excel in everything I do. I them check what I have written carefully and make sure not to leave any typing mistakes.

When I look at my finished blogs and vlogs, I feel proud about them, I admire them, and feel good about my creation and also feel good about how other people will be impressed and think I am the best and will define me as something more. This starting point of sharing in order to impress others then also results in the fear of other people's opinion, expressed in the comments. When I receive a notification that someone posted a comment to my blog or vlog, I get intensively scared in the moment of noticing the notification. In my secret mind I imagine how someone out there might have made some criticism on my posts and expressed any kind of rejection of any part of what I have shared. I want others to accept me as a perfect being and not to point at any mistakes I have. I do not want to admit that there is anything wrong with myself. However the physical is telling me, that there is a lot of shit in there that needs to be faced with. And I do not want to admit that, I do not want to dig into my secret thoughts, since I would have to define myself as not perfect, and I would feel bad about that. I fear that by facing and exposing myself I will loose the support of other people and all the benefits that I experience currently.

The whole point boils down to wanting to be perfect in the eyes of others, which as I wrote about several times before, is the consequence of allowing to accept and become the emotional projections, copied mostly from some close relative. I have become addicted to other peoples opinion and emotional energy. I am used not to move unless there is some energetic impulse from some person outside me. Everything I do is based on the expressed desires of others. So my expression in not self-expression, but involves the detailed analysis of other minds and aligning my expression in order to invoke the best possible feelings in them. I see this as a huge point when I look at my some close relative. The way how he creates himself is to remember the moments when others reacted to his actions with great admiration, so he moves in that direction than and intensifies his approach in order to get even more energy of adoration from others. A total idolatry-energy vampire and blood-sucker. And I have become very much like him.

This is why I can not move myself effectively to what is best for all. I wait for someone to point at something that I must do. I respond to every single request of my some close relative and my clients in order to bring me glory and money. And when I am done with the job, I become lazy. I rest, do what I find enjoyable and find it very hard to do something that I do not expect immediate result from, meaning to become better in the eyes of others. I live in my nice apartment, separated from the rest of the world and do not give a fuck about others. Everything I do is based on my self-interest. And this is really total bull-shit. How the hell have I become like that?! And all this could never be exposed properly if I haven't met Desteni and wasn't introduced to the tools of self-honesty and self-forgiveness. And of course I could get lost in my self-deception over and over again if there I would not have support of other people who brutally expose any kind of mind-fuck.

I need to get rid of all my energy determinism and start moving myself to what is best for all. And it's fucking hard since I experience huge resistance and feel myself as very heavy and drained. I am awake, but still not fully present, not the active participant, just an observer in kind of half-sleep, dreaming all day long. I watch huge amount of vlogs and blogs of other Desteni members, but I do allow myself to go deep enough. There are some occasions where something resonates with me, so I write a few sentences, and I try to give the best support to everyone. But most of the time, I feel a great separation. I do not allow myself to stop and read or watch with my full awareness, but experience a big unrest inside, I want to be somewhere else, experiencing something good, so I'm in a very great hurry to go to some place, there in the future, to the garden of eden, where I would experience myself blissfully until the end of the time. But this is all just a mind-fuck. There is no future, is is only now, this present moment, and I need to face everything that is here with my full self and do what is best for all.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself as energy and thus need the energy of others in order to move myself, instead of moving myself as life as what is best for all.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good when I do blogs and vlogs, since the reason of doing this has to be to face myself and not to impress others.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to point fingers to others and compare them to myself and define me as better and more than them, instead of properly supporting everybody in the process as one and equal to me.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to emotionally react to other people's support and comments, judging their way of expression and protecting my self-interest, instead of going deeper into their feedbacks, understanding what are they exposing, and realigning my points to equality.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to change, since I am not aligned with the life and if I want to live, I need to become one with life and support all life as equal to myself.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing myself to exist as separate from life and just observe it, pretending that I am not responsible for my actions and thus producing abuse, instead of taking full responsibility for every single creation in all the past from the beginning of my existence.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear others, since others are the part of me, a part of everything that exists, so I need to take into consideration of how others perceive me and take this as a very crucial support and opportunity to change myself, since I can not see and correct my mistakes due the extent of self-deception.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for allowing myself to yawn, since yawning is the indicator of mind shutting down an restoring itself, instead of stopping, remaining here, breathing and getting some new realization.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for allowing myself the pleasant energies of warm and soft bed to have power over me and hold me in the bed for extensive period of time after I wake up, instead of directing myself as life, as more than the energy of warm or cold, and getting out of the bed immediately.
   
   
10. I forgive myself for allowing myself to become obsessed with watching almost all of new Desteni members blogs and vlogs and feeling good about how others will admire the quantity of processed material, instead of realizing that I need to support myself first and then only give attention to others in regards to the remaining time available.
    
    
11. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good and defining myself as better than others since I am involved in the process of self-forgiveness, instead of realizing that the point of the process is not to become greater than other, but to become equal to others as life. Only mind and consciousness can become greater than, and no one can be more and less than life, since life is in fact the existence itself.

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2010 - Fear in regards to working as self-employed

In the past several years I have enjoyed working alone, in my pretty large new apartment, where I spend most of my day, sometimes all my day. Since my line of work is computer related, I can receive orders via mail, do the job and send my work back without need to leave my cozy apartment. I remember to never needed to advertise much, since I had just a few clients who were ordering regularly to do designs, pre-press. Then, when I started with photography I also had some clients who I became exclusive photographer for. I never really experienced a lack of work, and I simply enjoyed living and doing fun stuff. When the order would come, I would immediately activate myself, do the work, send it to the client, write the invoice and waited for the payment. And it all went well, I had enough of money and had I feeling like I am almost not working at all. Like the money would came by itself and I would not really have to participate a lot in order to get it.

But in the recent year, when I switched exclusively to counseling and therapeutic services, the math does not work out anymore. I invested all my money, time and energy, but no result. So I in a way feel quite frustrated, as the life is sipping out of my hands and whatever I do, all is in vein. And funny about that, that I even did not experienced any fear, like I was totally in the state of inner peace, not allowing my large bank account debt to invoke any emotions of fear. The cozy environment of my apartment gave me the impression of safety, and the computer with internet took care for the entertainment all day long. I did some moves, but they were very slow, with the peace of mind and expectations that money would soon start flowing, as it did in the recent past. But someone messed with this movie scenario, and the story did not have a happy ending. It was a great embarrassment when the bank for the first time in my life blocked my credit card, and then even more unpleasant when they started to threaten me with forwarding my case to enforced recovery. I needed to fall low, very low in order to start waking up from some kind of hypnotic state, the dream of hopes for the better future.

Now, I am beginning to experience the fear. It has nested itself in the belly area and it has became quite nasty, almost painful. It does not want to go away and it is telling me something. It is telling me, that I have become lazy, not willing to move, not wanting to do what I do not like to do, just because of the money. I wanted to do what I enjoyed, but there was not enough money in it. So I have to start doing again what I have already experienced as unpleasant before, just because of the hopes, that I would get enough money again. Well, the sole act of creating visual communications, designing and taking photos is in fact very enjoyable, but there are always many painful points included as the part of the package, so I might just take it or leave it.

For example when I work behind the computer, I have no problem with sitting down for hours without standing up even once. I get so absorbed in the work, that the perception of time totally disappears. And that is not very good, since the physical body does not move enough and then there is pain produced, at least on my butt. The pain is also involved in photography, since the professional camera and the top quality lenses sum into great weight, so the shoulders, back and the feet start to hurt in time. Fortunately my eyes never hurt, even when I work all day, staring at the computer screen, and my eyesight does not get worse every year. I am a bit short-sighted though, but I attribute this to the emotional distress. I have read once the very thick book, named Relearning to see, which explains that the bad eyesight is caused solely by eye muscle tension. It is proven that through hypnotic regression into the time of the childhood, when the person had a perfect eyesight, even the old person with very thick glasses is able to see clearly. All what is needed is to relax the eye muscles, witch can be achieved by utilizing the series of exercises, described in the book.

Besides the pain issues, then there is the money issue. The most unpleasant job that I have to do, is to set the price on my work. The first dilemma is which model of price calculation to select in the first place. Intellectual and art creation business is so intangible. For instance, the creation of logo. Will you be charging for the sum of hours, spent on the project, or will you set the fixed price on the logo design service? If you charge per hour, what steps of creative process will you measure the time for? Will you time the thinking, will you charge for research, sketches, or just for the time of drawing the final product using computer? But this way the simple logos will be more cheap and the complex logos will cost more. So by going for the more complex design, your decision is responsible for the highest price of the logo. And if you decide for the flat rate of the logo design, some client may be very demanding, resulting in many hours of work, preparing several drafts, and others may be satisfied very quickly. So for some, the price may be right, for some to low, and for some to high.

The biggest point regarding the price is the competition. Some clients look just for the price, others do not care much, but just want the job to be done in time. There is the fear of not being selected among the all other designers there, and there are quite a few. I need to fight for the job, show them that I am able to fulfill their needs the best. I don't see myself as a the greatest designer, but I can do the job very quick and I am reliable person. I know many graphic companies who are able to deliver, but the management and stuff is very difficult to communicate with. Since I am quite a nice person to get bye, the people like to work with me much better that with those who are stubborn and have high temper. Like my brother for instance. But they all have enough work, since either have very low prices, high quality, and there is quite a large demand for the graphic products these days. What counts the most is the reliability, so to deliver the goods as agreed, within the deadline and agreed-upon price.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think and fear about how the interaction with other people in the future might result in, instead of breathing, remaining here and waking each point breath by breath as one and equal with other people, to what is best for all.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge and to fear of being judged by the people, based on my past experiences, since every person is unique, all people change in the time, so instead of expecting others to repeat behavior from the past, I should rather clear all my thoughts and allow them to express themselves without any expectations.

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2010 - Defusing anger points in regards driving a car

I am starting to defuse all emotional reactions that I so far considered to be to small and not worth dealing with, so I postponed and procrastinated and did not face them yet. I found challenging to decide which point to face daily, since there are many of them and I can only spent certain amount of time daily to defuse them. But this has been only an excuse and justification, and I need to face them all, one by one, starting with the first that comes up. No more excuses, simply stopping, bringing them here by writing and forgiving them. One of these 'tiny' points that I am starting to deal with today are the emotions of anger, triggered by certain events while I am driving a car.

My parents provided first cars for me and my two years younger brother when we became of age. At that time, we were both formally employed in our family graphic company, but were not practically receiving any salary, so legally it was our company that purchase the cars that we were then able to use for our personal needs. We got Renault Clio cars, I went for a white color and my brother chose the dark blue one. I was satisfied with the basic equipment, but my brother wanter to show off, so he purchased the best possible accessories available, like sport spoilers, seat, suspension and exhaust and powerful sound system with large woofers, so the car physically vibrated and jumped due to strong deep sound waves.

We also had I different way of driving. I drove carefully, complied with every single traffic regulation and speed limits, indicated every single turn with the blinker, even when turning the car on the home yard. My brother bullied me because of that, since I automatically acted upon every traffic rule, even if I was the only one participating in the traffic. On the other hand, my brother was just the opposite, he was driving fast, testing the most extreme limits, enjoyed the good feeling of having the best car, and making fun out of other traffic participants. Like for example he had a recording of breaking glass, so if some car stopped in front of him, he approached with his car from behind very fast, to close range, and then he played the sound of the glass crushing with the maximum audio level in order for sound to reached also the ears of the driver in the front car. And then he laughed loudly when the driver in the front jumped from the shock, thinking that lights of his car got smashed.

We both had a traffic accident, but it was due to different reasons. I allowed myself to be provoked by my mother, who annoyed me with constant suggestions to 'go out and have fun', since it was the weekend, but I worked the whole day and was tired as never before in my life. But still, a succumbed to her influence and went out in the middle of the night. I decided to visit some disco club witch was about half an hour drive away. I took a shortcut through the farm fields, as I remembered to be the quickest way, since we also took this road with my friends the other day. I had in the memory that the road will persist to be straight for at least some time, so I was driving quite fast. But then suddenly the road turned left and that totally surprised me. I hit the brake and the car started to loose contact with the road. I tried to keep it on the track, but could not, end the car eventually slipped off the road, rolled down the small hill sideways 360 degrees, and landed back on the wheels. I went like, WTF just happened!

I was not hurt, just totally shocked, and the car was able to drive. Just some windows cracked and of course metal bodywork got humbled. Fortunately I landed near the field and was able to get back on the road and drove to the home slowly. I felt very ashamed, since I was judging how my brother was driving, and expected him to have an accident soon, but I did never imagined that I would be involved in any car accident ever. My parents took the tragical news quite well got my car fixed, sold it and bought me a new one. But soon, my brother also had an accident as I had anticipated. He on the other hand had also 360 degree somersault, but head-on, on the clear road and in the middle of the day. He was pushing the speed limit again, but went over the limit and totally destroyed the car beyond repair. He got just a small head injury, and parents also bought him a new car eventually. He then continued to drive fast and had best cars in order to show-off and be proud since he would be better than others. And I somehow became much more humble, since I could not brag any longer that I had no single accident yet.

I also noticed that I am not tolerating and emotional reacting to certain events that I experience while driving. This is all based on self-definition of me being better and more respected drivers than others. I was proud of myself since I obeyed all the traffic regulations, and hated all the drivers who did not follow the rules to the point. I did not participate in the traffic from the point of common sense and considered that no one is perfect, but demanded perfection from myself and others. This is of course all the result of some some close relative being very demanding, constantly pushing me and going ballistic every time I made a single mistake. I copied that behavior patterns from him and then also continued to enforce them onto others.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to compare myself and compete with my brother in order to prove to my parents that I am better, worth of love and acceptance, to get from them what I want, instead of considering my brother as one and equal and do what is best for all.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to listen and do what others tell me to, instead of listening to myself, considering the current state of my physical body and doing what is best to support myself.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think while I drive and project illusional past memories into the present, instead of breathing effectively and focusing on what is actually in front of me while I drive in every single moment.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to perceive myself as more than others while driving according to traffic regulations and becoming angry when I see that other do not follow the rules to the point, instead of simply following the regulations for the practical reasons in order to equally participate in the traffic, taking into account that other can also forget to turn on the lights and blinkers, as I also forgot several times.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing myself to hurry while driving and becoming mad when I catch someone who is driving slow, since it certainly has some reason, like being old, tired, searching for someone, and I really do not have any reasons to go somewhere, since I can only be here, in the current locations of every given moment.

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2010 - Emotional manipulation and projection

I still got a nasty feeling in my belly, which is indication of fear that has been accumulating these days. I feel like everything I do lately, whatever way I turn, I always make someone mad. Well, it is not like I interact with many people, but with those that I interacted lately with, there was always some kind of trouble.

First there is the bank, who surprised me in January this year with the notice that they will cancel my bank limit. And not since I would be a bad client, but simply since I decided for a different taxation method witch did not require to keep accounting books anymore. So even though I had generated enough revenue in the last year, the bank did not take this into account, and considered me as someone with not enough income. So I got very shocked when they canceled my bank limit, witch was quite large, and turned it into credit, that I now need to pay back in quite large sum every month.

Then also my intention to earn my living solely with counseling did not turn well. I invested a lot of time, money and energy into promotion, designed, printed and distributed leaflets, made a web site, provided different online payment and communication methods, invested in online advertisement, but this all did not bring proper results. The financial crisis made people to save money, so I went into debt more and more every month, until I had to stop to avoid total bankruptcy. I had a feeling like time passed very quick, the whole months went by like in seconds. It was the last time for me to stop.

And there was also quite tuff experience doing Structural Resonance Alignment lessons that also required money, time and very focused attention. It is cool that we paused for a couple of months, so that monthly expenses dropped a little. A lot of buzz was also in regards to friend with whom I went out every weekend to chill out and dance and we also visited fitness twice a week. I got tired of his small talk about girls, sex, the smell of his cigarettes, and constant arguing about total nonsensical topics. So we split a few weeks ago and we did not speak since, even if we live in the same building. Another friend, witch I get bye much more nicely with, has been escorting me in the past few weeks. But I decided also to drop the fitness a week ago to save even more money.

Then for the pas two weeks I worked for my some close relative and experienced a lot of stress, since he is a great emotional manipulator. As if I had not enough already, then some people started to harass me, from whom I would expected this the last, regarding the process they were suppose to be in. So a lot of people and the system attacked and pressured me lately, emotionally, morally, legally and financially. I did have some flirts and short term relationship, but this only took additional time, energy and money from me. I got tired of all the emotional reactive people, competitive economic system and exploitative money system. Sometimes I would rather give it all up, sell the apartment and go somewhere. But I could land even in greater troubles anyway. So I decided to stand up and take appropriate actions heare and now.

I made today a new temporary web site for my business and I also installed very cool forum on the Desteni Slovenia web site. I granted administrator privileges to one member and let him to do the fine tuning. I will let some time for heads of some Desteni Slovenia members to cool down and to start living equality and not producing separation anymore. And I know this will take quite some time, since some have very explosive mind patterns to defuse. Some might even not make it, since they lack of appropriate self-direction and self-will. But this is how it is and you can do nothing for the one who accepted and allowed the energy to be larger than life. The process takes self-responsibility and not all can be saved. And things will become even more tough in following years, many more and even larger challenges.

So no time for whining and weeping, there is a lot of work to be done in order to bring heaven on earth. First I need to focus on solving my financial situation and then go further. It will be interesting to see how the Desteni Income Plan recruitment will develop. I have not met many people from Slovenia who would qualify, since they have to be interested and stable enough in order to walk the process in the long term. This is a life commitment, so recruits have to be picked very carefully in order not to fall after few months or years. But since there are not many recruiters available currently and new people from all over the world join Desteni, I expect all recruiters to fill their 10 people capacity very soon. I am looking forward to see, if this all will develop according to the plan.

In the meanwhile I need to ignore all the people who claim to be Destonians but do not walk the talk. Since Desteni is something never seen before, with fascinating interdimensional portal, many are attracted to Desteni from the starting point of defining it as something more, very special and precious, so they become fanatic protectors and attack other in order to prove, that they found the Jackpot and have by joining Desteni became something more. But as long you do not walk the process for extensive period of time, and allow yourself to emotionally react, you have not yet became real Destonian. If you act just from the knowledge and information, you can not yet understand what oneness and equality is about. Desteni is a group of people who stand for equality and that equality has to be lived in every breath practically. Just claiming that you are the part of the Equality group does not make you one. You become a part of this group by becoming the living example of emotional stability and self-movement towards what is best for all.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of the people who claim to be Destonians, but do not walk the talk, and are thus not real Destonians. They are not actually the part of Equality group (yet), so they have nothing to say, and need to first walk the process for themselves in order to be able to contribute to equality.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good when I support other people, since I perceive myself then as someone more, wanting other people to think how great I am, instead of supporting people as one and equal and not allowing any kind of emotional movement inside me.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to build for myself a perception that the events in the future will get worst and that I will suffer even more, instead of realizing that future does not exist, that it is only this moment that is real, and that I need to walk breath by breath, remaining here and not allowing any thinking about how the future might look like.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be influenced by anybodies opinion about me and my actions, since no one is totally able to walk and direct me as one end equal with me, we are all in the process, so I need to just listen other people's opinion without any energetic movement, and decide for myself if their suggestion is valid, considering the starting point of what is best for all and equality equation 1 + 1 = 2.

I stand alone for all life, for what is best for all until this is all done. I immediately stop every single thought and emotional reaction. I take action and forgive myself any energetic movement. I support myself effectively and give support to others as one and equal to myself. I walk the talk and do not allow myself to act from knowledge and information. I comment as much as my current realization goes and do not allow myself to try to make any good impression. I breathe effectively and feel my body and continue the process of birthing life from the physical.
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2010 - Finished working for some close relative

For the last two weeks my only client for my design services has been some close relative. I mostly worked at his place on his computers, and I worked at home on my computer only for several hours, just in order to upload huge quantity of photos on his FaceBook and Picasa album, since his upload bandwidth is a few times slower than mine. Two weeks ago he payed me for the past work that I have done for him and we agreed for the price of the hour of work for the future projects. I was surprised how much work has he been giving me, since I expected that I would work for him just a few hours per day, so I could also work for other clients. But since there was so much to do at his place, I did not have any motivation and time to request orders from others.

After the last payment, he said that I should not expect new payments from him for a while, since he needs to get payed by his clients first. We agreed that he would call me only if there would be some urgent job to do, so I would have opportunity to get payed also from clients who have the money. But then I got surprised when he started giving me one order after another. I also noticed that he has been buying quite a lot of new stuff, so I told myself that he obviously knows what he is doing, and that he must have decided to give me a lot of work in order to support me by paying me a lot of money, since I have presented him exactly how much money I need monthly in order to pay all the bills.

Since I got a notice from the bank yesterday that I need to pay certain amount of money to cover my debt, I summed how much money I urgently need to pay the bank and other monthly bills. So when I went today at his place, I faced him with the number. He became very surprised and upset, when he saw the sum of how much he owes me for the work that I have done for him in past two weeks. From the beginning state of shock, he slowly started to build more and more anger, trying to present himself as a victim, as I milker cow, and me as the one who is exploiting and ripping him off. When I asked him, how come that he is acting so surprised, since we agreed on the price, and he knew and saw me what and for how long I have been working on his projects, he answered that we never agreed on the price, which is certainly not true.

He argued that if I would work for the price as I requested, I would in a month earn as much as the politicians. But I have not worked for him in past two weeks just 8 hours per day, 5 days in a week, but 7 days per week, and occasionally over 12 hours per day, so many working hours accumulated in that time. I guess he did not expected that, and he also never checked how many hour accumulated in between. I did not allow to react on his provocations, I stayed calm and tried to reason with him. But as I have known him for many years, he does not use reason very much, but allows his emotions to take him over and decides to play a role of helpless victim. He eventually told me, that he will try to pay me tomorrow, since he expects to receive some payment on his bank account. But after a while, after he stirred his emotions even more, he said that he is considering even paying me nothing, since this is a robbery, and that he is considering to never order my services again.

But I did not react and simply explained him again that the price of the hour of work that we agreed upon is less that one third of what I usually charge and one fourth of what is the standard recommended price for design services in our country. And he does not want to understand, that I have to pay for the taxes, expensed and the bank credits, since I am self-employed. If he would employ me, that would be the whole different story, since the employer pays for the taxes, but this was not the case. My current monthly expenses are twice the amount of money of the minimum wage in our country. I simply can not afford to work as employee at some company, since I would get just a little more that a minimum wage. So the only option at this time for me is to work as self-employed, to get some orders, and charge per hour of work much more than I would get as someone's employee.

We agreed that starting today, I would not work for him any longer and that I would work for other clients in the future. He would just call me if there would be any urgent job to do - and here we go again. But really, I simply can not feel pity for him just because he is my close relative. If he is not able to include the price of my work in the services and products that he sells forward to his clients, this is his problem. I can not care if I work for him or for someone others. Certain people want from me money, and I need to get money, regardless if from him or from someone else. It is quite cool to work at his place, but there are many emotions, judgements and projections involved, and he sometimes forgets what he promised. So tomorrow I will hit the road and start to visit new potential clients in order to get better payed jobs without or at least with less emotional dramas.

I also noticed that I've had a very unpleasant feeling, a knot in my belly, for the last week and I was not able to release the tension. A lot has been happening lately, very fierce forum and online chats, and strong pressures from the bank. I expect that I will be able to get enough orders and thus money in order to pay my debts. But I can not know how things will develop, so I will be giving it my best to try and see what will happen. Let us introduce the Equal Money System as soon as possible in order to quit fighting about how much is someone's labour worth and establishing equality and providing for basic needs of all living beings!
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2010 - Pointing fingers and blaming

I got recently a few lessons and realizations. While trying to solve some situation, I tried to explain my point of view and include exact information in order to picture the situation as a whole. I included exact posts, included names and actions, in order for everything to become totally clear. I did all this for other people so see that I am right and others are wrong. But since others were not involved in the situation, and did not have personal experience, they could only give the feedback, based on the information that I have given them. So instead of receiving the feedback about the situation, I was getting the feedback about my act of sharing the information. This resulted in very fast evolving thread, going in the total opposite direction as I expected.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek protection for my point of view by other people, not realizing that they can not have a valid base to give any kind of perspective, since they were not participating in the event.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to have fear and to be lazy in facing the people who have any issues with me directly, instead of simply labeling them to be wrong, and not taking the appropriate action, standing up as life and facing everybody honestly, until we would come to a common understanding.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to include the names of the people in my blogs, vlogs and forum posts in order to show everybody that they are wrong and I am rights, instead of sharing and facing my thought, feelings and emotions that are the cause of separation.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that some people are perfect and wanting from them to give me their opinion and then not being satisfied with their opinion, instead of considering everybody as one and equal and standing alone for the principle of what is best for all.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that I can only practice oneness and equality if I am part of some group, instead of realizing that all living beings are equal, regardless if part of some group or not, and that everyone is to stand equal to everyone at any single moment.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing myself to try to save other people, collecting the knowledge and information that I would then be able to share to others as someone special, not realizing that we are all equal in the process, that everyone has his own life lessons, so everybody can teach others only by being a living example and not to perceive to be more than others.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing myself to compromise myself, fanatically pushing the point of wanting to help others, not stopping soon enough, and getting more and more into debt, instead of taking care for a stable income first and then only contributing my excessive time and money to support others.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good about the extensive quantity of vlogs and blogs that I have watched so far, picturing how everybody will be impressed by my achievements, instead of considering the record only as I support and plain evidence of my advancement.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for allowing myself to create a certain perception about someone based on information from a third party, instead of talking to that person directly and checking if the information is true or not.
   
   
10. I forgive myself for allowing myself the feelings of fear when notification about new mail or post appears, since I allowed myself to define myself to what others think of me, wanting to please everybody, and not directing myself as what is best for all without any doubt.
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