2010 - My lectures about Desteni and self-forgiveness announcement

There is a guy who created a Slovenian web site with content that expose world inequality, New World Order, Chemtrails and similar stuff. I met this guy in person firstly at the Slovenian conference "Let us create the world of peace of love" this summer, where I also introduced Desteni. After he has been following my FaceBook posts for several month, he has recently invited me to have a lectures about Desteni for young students in Slovenia and I confirmed his invitation with great joy. I am to hold the lecture at the Youth Center in Škofja Loka city on 9. February 2011 at 8pm.

The other lecture that I am planing to execute is on 2. February 2011 at 5pm at Vita Center in Naklo village which is the very popular wellness center not far from large Kranj city. I have been teaching Taijiquan a few years ago in this centre so I asked them if they are interested for me to hold a lecture there and they were very fun of that idea. This was the first available date and since I will have only 90 minutes time to speak, I am to introduce only the tool of self-forgiveness this time and share the rest of the information about Desteni in the next available dates. 

A few days ago Blaž came with his suggestion at Desteni Slovenija forum to create the flyers with the short information about what Desteni stands for in form of a questions and answers, written in the youth slang of his generation and his geographic region. He expects to gain attention from his schoolmates and other young people around were he lives and studies. I read what he wrote and I considered it cool for the described purpose, and I suggested also to design a flyer with the text in the common Slovenian language that would be acceptable and understood by people of all the generations in our country.

Now the point that came up regarding all this actions was how do we introduce ourselves to others, are we allowed to introduce ourselves as members of Desteni or members of Desteni Slovenia, or do we need to request any special permission from Desteni administration. I want to avoid any possible blame, finger pointing and judgement due to misunderstanding, since Vitan already suggested Blaž that he should not print his leaflets in the name of Desteni but as one of the individuals who are joined in the Desteni group. And I want to be sure if there are any objections about me introducing Desteni to groups of people in Slovenia who are searching for the ways to self-realize themselves.
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2010 - Facing my fears regarding politics

With my recent decision to go into politics, many thoughts and fears appeared. By observing the political arena in our country by watching TV news and political shows, reading newspapers, and by watching many videos and movies regarding American and world politics, like lectures of Lyndon LaRouche, who claim that the real power and agendas are hidden from the public, I became baffled about what is really going on and how the politics is truly shaping our world. Are word presidents just the puppets of the British Imperium and blackmailed by economic assassins and jackals and there is no way of running the country by principles of oneness and equality?

Our Republic of Slovenia has few days ago celebrated the 20th anniversary of independence from Federal Socialistic Republic of Yugoslavia and it has been 6 years since we become a part of European Union. The ruling political party is loosing public support and the opposition is gaining it. International watch has declared that Slovenia falling at providing true democracy, a lot of political end economic elite have become very wealthy and the recent very successful large companies are going bankrupt, for example our largest shop chain with technical good Merkur and our largest construction company SCT. People are loosing their jobs, government is making cuts and rebalancing budget and preparing to get additional loans to stabilize the situation in our country.

I am currently in the process of selling my apartment and moving to our capital city Ljubljana to enter the political arena. Now I am thinking what would be the best way for me to gain perspective how the political parties function, if I should join any party and which one, or if it is possible to be a member and participate in several parties at once to get the much larger picture how each party performs. Then I am asking myself if I should continue my study to gain some higher degree, like PhD and what discipline should I study to be most effective at my future political career.

Next I have been thinking if I am proper candidate, considering my emotional and intellectual state, physical looks and family background to be successful in the politics. Because if I look at people, who were able to climb to top government positions, they were mostly the ones, who were much more emotional stable and able to communicate with the public in very relaxed and amusing way, but who also expressed the power and who had great support from other influential people. I currently feel myself as not stable enough, still a lot of suppressed emotions, and with pretty delicate skin that is not making me the most photogenic.

However if I look at the political elite in our country, especially the prime minister, who has been also working as a model in his previous career, I see that he is deliberately using words to emotionally manipulate with the people, and that this is what also other politicians do and have been doing in the past. I am wondering if people would be able to response to common sense or have they become such mind systems that raising their emotions and national awareness would be the necessary approach in order to move the crowds and bring the change that is best for all. This is certainly something that is needed to be tested in practice.

I am planning to visit all influential political parties in our country and get to know the top politicians. Generally I see that our politicians do care about our nation but some have let the greed to take over and there is too much individualism and too little cooperation. We fight and argue a lot, the feeling of envy has become our national characteristic and nobody really knows why. Perhaps the small size of the country, measuring only 20.000 square kilometers with just 2 million citizens is one of the reasons. We are so small that almost everyone knows each other and there is hard to hide somewhere. But we are also the only country with world "love" in its name and we have never invaded and other country in the whole known history. Sadly that our tourist board is using "I feel sLOVEnia" slogan and emotionally manipulating foreigners to visit our county, but this has become established practice in all the advertising industry.

Maybe our small size would be the important factor at implementing equality system very quickly, as also other people, who are trying to bring some change here, are expecting. So far this has been only the thinking and projecting, but what will actually happen, depends mostly from my physical movement, sticking to the principle, breathing and staying emotional stable in the future. There is no way to know how thing will turn out, especially since all the world has become so tightly connected and a lot of things can happen in no time.

America is going down, China is rising, and has recently became the second largest economic power in the world. I see China has some potential to connect the world countries more effectively due to the communist system, but it also has a very high temper, a lot of anger and internal suppression. Will we be able to connect world-wide and start to cooperate, or will 3rd world war have to eradicate the old systems that do not want to change and integrate? The information technology is giving us support to raise our awareness, but there is a lot of tendencies to control and direct the crowd using press, television and internet. Who and what will prevail, that is the question, and only time will prove.

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe effectively.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that thinking is something normal and acceptable and that by thinking I am doing no harm, instead of realizing that thinking is the most profound and deceptive trap ever made.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and project the movie in my mind about what might happen in the future, based on my current information and pictures that I have seen and thus producing fear that this my actually come true, instead of shutting off my deceptive mind projector and sending him somewhere far away for eternal holidays, and allowing myself to be here and acting only in accordance with what is physically present in every moment of my breath.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make assumptions of how politicians are, creating their personalities and predicting how they will respond to me, based only on some pictures and words from the media, instead of allowing myself to meet everyone in person, and then only acting according to how will they actually respond when we meet in flesh face to face.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the world is run by some higher power, fearing of some secret societies and conspiracy theories, instead of realizing that the world system is constituted from the people like me and that I am equally influential and capable of introducing change as anyone else.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to be deceptive and to become emotional manipulator in order to make this world a better place, instead of giving myself the opportunity to be totally honest and treating others as one and equal and remaining stable and sticking to the principle of equality no matter what others might think or how they might react.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that any deception and dishonesty is unacceptable and is the reason of why this reality is so fucked as it currently is and that only unconditional honesty at all times is what will eventually liberate us from the prison of the mind and bring heaven on earth.

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2010 - Analyzing my dreams of deep water and great hight

I had I dream while I was waking up today. It was at the sea beach and I was part of some group that had vacations there and we had a delicious free meals and we were able to swim and jump into the water from different hight. The weather was warm and sunny, and the access to the water was from the pier or from coastline escarpment. There was no slow increase of the depth of water and it was about 1,5 meters deep right at the coastline and it slowly increased in depth every meter away from the shore. So you could jump into the water on your foot and there was no danger of getting hurt. But if jumping from greater hight, you had to push yourself off the jumping spot and land a few meter away from the shore in much deeper water.

There was also a very high building right next to the shore and it was about 10 floors high and it included the jumping platforms at every 3rd floor. You had to climb the stair and then wait for the people in front of you to jump first until it was finally your turn. I was at the jumping platform at the highest floor and it was finally my turn to jump. I looked down and it seems to me a very great distance to the water. I was considering if I was to jump, if it was safe to jump and that I could easily hurt myself or even die jumping from this hight. There were some swimmers just bellow my jumping area, they were swimming and jumping into the water from the shore level and they were not aware that there is a jumping spot right above their heads. I could easily hit someone while performing my jump and we could both get hurt.

There was also the point of judging the jumps. It was not like you were jumping just for your pleasure, every jump has been judged from others. The boy who jumped right before me performed a very still jump. He did not push off the platform to land in much deeper water away from the shore, but did just one step forward, enough to lose ground and fall into the depth. He grabbed his feet with his hands and pressed his head to his knees, in order to fall half-folded into the water, with his feet and head firstly touching the water surface, to produce as low diving resistance as possible. So his fall was not in the shape of arch, but just straight vertical line, remaining in one single body position almost right from the top and all the way down, until he would elegantly dive into the water. His point of breaking the water surface was just one meter from the hard stone coastline escarpment and if strong wind would blow from the sea to the beach, he would have smashed his head like a water mellon and died immediately.

But he was ok this time, and the judges gave him a very high score for his performance. And now it was my turn. I was considering what type of jump should I make. Should I also simply let myself fall down, should I push myself off and land more away from the shore to land in much deeper water, should I jump to my feet or should I perform a frontal jump, stretching my hands sideways from my body, and then positioning them in front of my head right before I would break the water surface. This would of course be much more elegant jump with possibilities of much higher scores, but is would be also much more dangerous jump. The angle of the body and the rotation moment would have to be just right for my body to reach the total vertical shape when touching the water. Since the hight is very large and it would take several seconds before I merry the water, I could miscalculate the proper force and rotate too little or too much, breaking the water surface flat, with much larger area of my body, and thus producing pressure to my skin that would result in pain and red skin or even injury of internal organs.

I concluded that this hight is too much for me and that I am too scared to jump, fearing of hurting myself. But I know that this fear is only due to lack of experience, so I decided to start jumping from lower hight and then slowly increasing the hight. At each level I would perform as many jumps as needed in order to totally remove all the fear and then I would go one level higher. This is the practice at all the sports. You start with smaller goals and then you push yourself higher and further. So I went down the stairs and got dressed and went to the dining room for a delicious meal and decided to continue with jumping from the level that is appropriate for me and then to progress slowly but surely.

And this is not the only dream that included water and hight that I had recently. A few days ago I had even more fantastic dream with diverse natural landscape, like Grand canyon and mountains like Mount everest in Tibet. The canyon was very deep, with crystal clear blue water, with many large lakes, and up above there would be high mountains with gorgeous views. I was part of the group that stayed in the cabin at some very hight and large mountain cliff and there would be a few kilometers of abyss bellow our cliff. It was very strange, but I needed to reposition our cabin to the new sport right to the edge of the cliff and there was a great danger of the cabin slipping on the rocks and falling into the abyss and crushing when hitting the hard rocks in the valley ground.

In the next scene of this dream I have been sailing down the river in the quite large white ship, crossing numerous gorgeous large lakes and straits in order to sail myself home. But there was a problem since I was in foreign country and whenever I would cross some strait to reach the next large lake down the river stream, I would have to pay a fee. I had the money but it was not it he local currency and I had great problems with exchanging the money and paying the fee. I imagined how nice it would be for all the world to have the same currency or if no one would charge any fee when crossing the regional borders, so we could al move freely and enjoying our life and the beautiful nature.

So if I try to analyze my dreams, I see that both include water and great hight. I remember that I have a history of bad experiences connected to water. For example when I was young and we had I school holiday at the sea, I would suffer unbearable pain in my ears. After I would come from the water, some water would stay in my ears and if the wind would blow, I would get an ear infection with tremendous stabbing pain in my ears. The doctor prescribed antibiotic pills and I would have to rest until I would get better. I had to become very careful to always wipe dry my ears and to protect my head with a cap over my ears whenever wind would blow, even in the middle of the hottest summer.

Sometimes in my early years I also totally lost my hearing ability on my left ear. I do not know exactly when this happened, but when my parents noticed that I am not responding to their calls as usual, they appointed me for a hearing ability check in the hospital. They established that I became deaf on my left ear, but the hearing on the right ear is still perfect. I made myself believe that I unconsciously became deaf on one ear in order to enjoy the silence while sleeping. Our house was not far from the railway road and I did not like for noise of trains to annoy me. So I concluded that becoming half deaf was to support me in order to be able to sleep with the head resting on the bed the way that the hearing ear would be covered and thus reducing the surrounding noise.

I remember how I needed complete silence in order to be able to fall asleep, and every single tiny noise would cause for me not to be able to fall into sleep for hours. Like in the army for example, when we were all sleeping in the room together, there was I clock on the wall, making tick-tack noise, and I was not able to fall asleep until I would stand up, remove the battery from the clock and thus removing the source of annoying repeating sound. This is obviously very silly, but this is just the way I functioned. I also asked the lieutenant to speak orders more loudly when we were marching in the row. After they inspected my hearing ability in the army, I was sent home only after one month of service, so this is another example of my hearing inability convenience. Otherwise I am able to hear perfectly when I am with other people, so most of my friends and people I meet do not know that I am deaf on one ear.

Now to continue with the symbolism, I came to conclusion that water represent the unconscious mind and that my fear of diving deep into the water represent the fear of facing myself with my accepted and allowed unconscious mind patterns. Regardless of how I might think that I am a brave nice child, I have to admit that I have been fighting all my life in order not having to face myself or the systems down below, under the surface of my awareness. In fact I have allowed myself to be quite naughty and evil guy, constantly doing some damage to myself and others. I was not willing to face this points, so I had to be punished and my physical gave me quite a number of painful lessons. I can not believe the extent of self-abuse that I have been allowing. I mean, how much do I need to suffer before I will get to the common sense.

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mind-fucked and enduring pain, instead of getting it and correcting myself according to the reality of this existence.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that physical pain is the result of some force from out there, attacking me for no reason and that I am suffering unjustly, instead of realizing that the physical is supporting me in my path of self-realization.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts and to think, since thoughts are the product of mind-conscious system, created with the intend to steal my attention from being aware of what is reality, which is only the physical in this very moment.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to jump from too great hight, meaning setting too high goals and then failing due to fear, instead of setting smaller goals that I am capable of realizing at this stage and then progressing slowly in accordance with my newly gained realization.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk alone, protecting my ego, choosing the hard way and abusing myself, instead of slowing myself, allowing myself to be supported from others and giving them equal support, so we could sort his reality much more quicker and establish heaven on earth.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the personality of scared poor child that needs a lot of love and support, constantly requiring the attention of my parents and others, sucking the energy of others like a fucking vampire, instead of standing as one and equal to others and supporting them equally as they are supporting me, becoming life, instead of the zombie, organic robot and a dead system that is abusing life.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of support of others, projecting the experience of past failed support of my parents and others, instead of realizing that the Desteni support is different, that people here are really standing with me as one and equal and that I absolutely need the support since I have been deceiving myself extensively so far and am thus not even able to trust myself at this stage.

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2010 - Reactions in regards liking on the FaceBook

One of the noticeable reactions that manifested as itching sensation on my skin today was when I was liking the new posts of Destonians on my FaceBook latest feeds. I decided to click all the "I like it" buttons on the feeds, starting from the top and moving down all the way to the feed that I liked the last time. It all went fine when I was liking the Desteni Productions new videos that others shared since I have already watched them, but when I liked some FaceBook feed that I have not read yet, I felt the itching sensation on the skin. This was clearly due to the suppression of my secret mind that launched some concerning thoughts.

The thoughts were asking me if I am in titled to like the posts of others that I have not watched or read yet. This is the point of self-honesty and following certain principle. I want to be totally hones, you know, the typical nice guy, reliable and stable in application, and every single action of mine is connected to some principle. The principle I followed was to like only the content that I processed. I wanted others to understand that when I like some content, this action is a indubitable evidence that I processed the liked content. This point is of course again the part of my perfectionistic personality construct.

But when I reached the first content that I did not process yet, I had to make a decision. I was either to process the content and then like, or skip the content and not like, or to like it regardless of me not processing it. The memory appeared about how I noticed that Cathy regularly liked my posts and the FaceBook displayed the notifications that she liked several posts one after another in several seconds. This is why I concluded that she just browsed my wall and quickly liked my post without actually watched or read every liked content. So I concluded that she is not liking the content based on the principle of confirming that she actually processed it, but only to give me a formal support.

I understand liking some content either on YouTube or FaceBook can have different starting points. Some do like only the content after they have processed it, but only if they actually liked the content, some process the content and then like it in order to show support, and some do actually not process the content fully but like it anyway. Of course there are also those who process the content and do not press the "I like it" button, even if they actually like it. There are many Desteni administration instructions about how to support the ranking and exposure of our content, so I can not know for granted if everyone that liked my content also actually gave the effort to process it fully. With regards to Cathy this is the impression I got.

So when I stumbled upon the content that I did not process yet, I was in dilemma what action to take. Would it be valid to simply like the post of Destonians even if I did not process it? Does everybody expect and prefer for others to like their content only after processing it? I want to be hones and not to deceive other, so what would be the best way for me to proceed? Of course I could contact everybody about their point of view regarding this question, but that would take a lot of time and then I would have to keep record about what every single one preferred in order to act in accordance to their expectations.

However I did not stop and come to any conclusion but I continued to like the posts, including the ones that I did not process. This was my unconscious procedure and thus produced suppressed friction and hot energy that I felt like an itching sensation on the skin. Fucking nasty feeling that I would like to avoid. So this blog post is to defuse the inner conflict in order to stop my emotional reaction regarding this point. In order not to be in dilemma what my liking of some content would mean, I need to come to clear decision and stick to that decision in order to establish myself as a stable and reliable part of this reality.

The most prominent decision would be to like only the content that I actually processed and actually liked. But there is also the argument that it is best to like every Destonian content simply because we should give each other maximum support possible due to pressing the like button is not such physically hard or time consuming and you assist others for their content to receive better ranking and exposure. Bernard in some video explained that "not liking something is always point of ego, since what is best for all is not debatable". Until we establish the equal system, it is best to use all possible support options in order to promote equality and follow the Desteni instructions since I am not able to clearly see what is best for all at this stage.

So I am going to like YouTube videos, Desteni process blogs and FaceBook posts from the starting point of supporting fellow Destonians to get better ranking and exposure and thus promoting equality system with best effect possible. So my action of liking some Destonian content will not indicate that I actually processed the content. I might have done so, but I also might have not. The only indication that I actually processed the content will be by comment. I am going to post the comment, at least the word "Watched" if the content would not bring any strong point on the surface, and I will comment more extensively on the videos and blogs that I find very relevant and supporting regarding the points in my process. This is how the Desteni instructions are and if someone will think that I actually processed every liked content, then the wrong impression will exist until someone explain what our agreements are. However I will continue to use the like function as it was intended to be used by their creators for the content of Non-Destonians.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to suppress the points and moving forward without stopping and clearing the points and thus producing friction and energy that is harming my physical body and time-looping, instead of realizing that I can not escape from facing and defusing every single point of accepted and allowed belief that is not aligned with the principle of equality and what is best for all.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to label as liked only the content that my mind likes, and not what is agreed that is best for all, instead of realizing that my mind is a one-dimensional trap and that beauty and attraction of perceived harmony due to alignment with the Golden Rule and Fibonacci Sequence are only the deceptive bars of the mind-consciousness prison.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to assume that the actions of others mean certain thing, instead of making the connection with the relevant person and actually finding out what is really going on by asking the direct question.

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2010 - Defusing reactions regarding YouTube continued

I was surprised how many points popped-up when I started to write about my suppressed reaction regarding YouTube. I learned that only while writing, one is able to slow the mind enough to effectively expose all the secret mind. This has been especially clearly shown while walking the first SRAT mind construct with assistance of Andrea. I have become overwhelmed with the amount of points and information that is to be dealt with. The way I learned to do things in my life is very perfectionistic and this is easier to achieve in regards to physical word than walking some tangible unconscious mind networks. What blows my mind away is also the responsibility for everything that exists in this world. I feel like I am over capacity and this also results in occasional strong vertigo. As I would like to see myself with the mind unplugged, the thoughts constantly run thought my head and the breathing is not effective. I somehow need to find the balance in my life in order my head not to explode from all the  information.

Now back to the point about my recent YouTube emotional reaction. I reacted the moment when I became aware that I did not click the "I like it" button on the several videos that I just watched. I became angry about myself, since now I would have to suffer the labour of reopening all the already closed videos. This is in fact a very little job to do, but I want to be as effective in my life as possible and I became mad when I am not excelling at every point. A see the origin in this kind of perfectionism in my father, who pushed me extensively for many year when I was working at pre-press department of our graphic company. I already wrote about this point, but I seems that it has rooted so deep that I will have to defuse it over and over again until it is finally completely defused.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to become angry at myself when I noticed that I forgot to like some YouTube videos, going into my mind and projecting my personality of perfectionistic guy that does not make any mistakes, instead of breathing, remaining here and taking the necessary steps without any emotional reaction.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to live the personality of perfectionistic guy, since there is no such thing as perfection, everything in this reality is relative, and every definition is purely the result of one point connecting with other point.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that I am better than others since I have copied all the positive moral principles from my parents and gained extensive mind knowledge, instead of realizing that all the mind knowledge is useless, that nothing that I learned is valid, since the reality is always here, changing, and it exists beyond the comprehension of the limited mind.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to project myself into the future, imagining what everything I will need to do to solve this reality, going into my mind and allowing my life anergy to become drained out, feeling exhausted and having to rest, instead of remaining here, breathing effectively and walking one point after another.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I need to rescue this existence, imagining how I will go into politics, becoming the president of our country, and then giving up, imagining that collaboration with other people would be to much to handle, instead of allowing myself to walk step by step and facing every situation and anyone if face here in the moment of actual contact.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of other peoples support, holding to an idea that I am perfect, that I do not need support, and defining any support as attack to my already established perfection, instead of realizing that I am in deep mind-fuck, deceiving myself extensively and running away from actually facing myself.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing myself to check the length of my blog post and counting the number of self-forgiveness, comparing the length of my blog post to blog posts of others and thinking about finishing with this blog, instead of allowing myself to continue writing with any secret-mind thought that pops-up.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for allowing myself to become angry about myself when counting the number of self-forgiveness lines and concluding that I need to write some more lines since I compared the number of lines with number of lines at blogs of some other Desteni members, feeling that I am underachiever and that I need to push myself more, instead of realizing that whatever number of lines I write in this blog is cool, since they are the result of my current ability to face myself and I should not allow myself for any opinion of others regarding this point to influence me emotionally in any way whatsoever.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for allowing myself to copy the behavior pattern of my father of being a loner, self-dependent person, living and working alone and not allowing myself to collaborate with others effectively, instead of realizing that separation is the root of all evil in this world, and that we can only exist if we support each other and exchange our insight fully and openly.
   
   
10. I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that life is about achieving goals, setting and reaching one goal after another and becoming depressed, instead of realizing that life is never ending story that can be lived only by being fully present here and taking one point after another, considering what is best for all and supporting every single living being equally.

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2010 - Defusing reactions regarding YouTube

I am continuing with defusing the small points of suppressed reactions that instantly manifest as pinching itching points on my skin around genitals. The most recent reactions I experienced a few moments ago was after I watched several ITD videos and I did comment them as "Watched" in order for Desteni administration to follow my progress and I also noted the channel and video names and links to my "Record of participation" Google Docs Spreadsheet in order to inform others about my progress and to be able to check if I already watched certain video, however I forgot to click the "I Like it" button on the videos I just watched.

I always make sure that I note the video channel and title name and URL and make at least the "Watched" comment and click the "I like button" in order to support myself and others as instructed, but this time I forgot to press the "I like button". I usually watch the videos as a batch, so firstly I collect the links of the videos to watch. In this occasion the links were the part of ITD course PDF, so I clicked all the links for every single video to open in the separate tab in my Chrome web browser. Then I would quickly click the tabs and click on the videos in order to stop the auto play of the videos. Next I would copy and paste the channel names and video titles and URLs and paste them into the spreadsheet. After that I would comment all videos as "Watched". I usually never just watch the videos since this would be for me too much waste of time. So I pick something to do that does not need my hearing or mental attention, like washing dishes, ironing the laundry or eating a meal. Then I start to play the first video, close the tab after finish and play the next video, until every opened video has been played to the finish.

I usually also click the "I like it" button somewhere in the stage between opening the video and closing the video browser tab, but sometimes I forget. This is due to not fully understanding what functions of the YouTube are triggered when the "I like it" button is pressed. I understand that it helps to rang the video higher and I also read somewhere that the video you like is displayed somewhere in some list so other can also watch the videos you liked, but I did not made the effort yet to check what actual and full consequence of pressing the "I Like it" button is. I did not care to research since I believed that this function does not play a major role and would not contribute drastically at my Desteni process of self-realization. I just continued to walk in the blind regarding this point which is totally based on ignorance, laziness and not taking full self-responsibility. I am afraid that finding out what this function means would result in larger knowledge and thus larger responsibility and that I would then have to use this function more regularly and would thus result in having to spend even more time to do what I have to do, and I am already short with time.

But really, this is just bullshit. I have been pressing the "I like it" button so far almost always and only in some occasions I forgot to do so. What could possible change if I would take the time and research the full functionality of liking some video? It is simply laziness, since I like watching the videos and I find reading the text much more harder. So I simply did not want to read the text. In is not specifically connected to what the text is about, I just prefer watching the videos over reading the text. I also procrastinate reading other texts, like SRA and ITD PDFs because I need to be still and focus my eyesight and decipher what the character symbols stand for in order to understand the message. And listening is so much easier, message is delivered with much less effort and I can also do other stuff and move my body in between.

The other point that prevented me from researching the full functionality of liking the video is that the relevant information is sometimes hard to find. Like I wanted to search for the info about the latest YouTube upload video length and file size limit and there were no relevant hits when I searched the dedicated YouTube help and forum section. Only after I Googled the question, some results popped-up and I had to eliminate the out-of-date ones in order to get the wanted information. And at the end the information was not official and I could not trust it, so I was disappointed. Even official YouTube disclaimer when you upload the video only displays something like "Now you can upload videos that are more than 15 minutes in length" and it does not say anything about what are the actual restrictions. Even the information that I Googled out was more detailed, specifying that the only limit now is the file size. And I did not even make the effort to remember or note that number since I found it so large, something like 2 GB and the videos that I am shooting are much smaller so I did not find it crucial to remember this info, also due to constant change of the YouTube system limitations.

So due to the frustrating experience of YouTube user support being so ineffective, I projected my fear also onto point regarding "I like it" button and I did not want to make an effort in order to check if there is possibly any easier-to-reach information regarding this function. This kind of projections are unacceptable and illusional. I need to stop projecting my past experiences into this moment, removing my laziness and move myself without any excuse when some point appears in order to solve the point instantly. Otherwise the point will pile-up, I will time-loop and make my process much longer then necessary.

Now at this moment of writing the blog, I am starting to experiencing pain, since I have been lying on the back on the sofa and typing this blog post for almost an hour and the weight of my body is pressing on the sofa due to gravitation and squeezing the muscles to the point where the pain has become unbearable. I need to move and change the body position in order to release the pain. And this is also one of the big points that prevents me from blogging more. Typing for hours is so uncomfortable and painful, and it sucks extensively. Sometimes I wish I could fly, become weightless and move more freely, also through the walls. This would be great. Like a ghost. Thus I wonder how it would be if I die, also wishing to die and experience myself without the constant bonds of earths gravity. While watching interdimensional interviews I wonder how dimensional being are experiencing themselves. However since I heard that the earth plane is the only place that enables ones full self-expression, I understand that I am to be at the end very grateful for this experience, since where time and space does not exist, I can not imagine how I would experience myself or if here-after is even more fucked-up experience as here on earth. So I am finishing with writing this blog post and I will continue in the next one.
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2010 - The emotional December girl

The girl who I met online one month ago payed me a visit this Wednesday. She came with the bus and I picked her on the bus station and then we went to my place. This was the firs girl I dated that was older than me, and she had I lot of concerns regarding this, expressing thoughts that we are not meant to be together since I probably want some much younger girl. But more than difference in years, the point that I found unacceptable was that she did not want to release her strong emotional mind patterns. Right after she saw my online profile, she started to SMS me extensively, writing how sweet and adorable I am and how she is dying from desire to hug and touch me. I have never met anyone who would be such a great fun of me and this definitely felt very good.

After we had a chat over large cup of tea, I prepared my home movie theatre and we watched a comedy movie which I borrowed from the library. Actually it was I that watched the movie, since she soon started to watch and admire my face. Since I already watched that movie once, I asked her if she would rather do something else. So she gave me the massage and it was very passionate and intense and she trembled from excitement while massaging me. Then I also offered to give her the massage but she felt too ashamed to remove her clothes. So I gave her the back massage with her shirt on. Then we lied down and started hugging and kissing, and soon she got hot and also removed her clothes slowly. We got intimate and it was very nice experience. We got intimate again when we went to bed and also in the morning while waking up. Than we had a breakfast, I finished some work on the computer and then I drove her to the city bus station where she took the bus to her home place.

In the following days she continued to SMS me, telling me that she had such a great time and that she has fallen in love with me. While she was at my place, we had a chat about thoughts, feelings and emotions and that what I am looking for is an agreement where we would support each other as one and equal at the process of self-realization. But she is not willing to forgive her feelings and is very stubborn at holding to her mind patterns and playing the role of caring mother, full of tender feeling, treating me as a teddy bear toy, projecting onto me the fantasies that are not real. While I felt like a star with her playing the role of my fanatic fan, this kind of relationship is in long term very unhealthy. So every time she calls me, I speak to her the self-forgiveness in her name, regarding the feelings that she is trying to impose in order to show her accepted and allowed self-deception. I also suggested her to star writing her own blog to align herself with the principle of equality, since her definition of me as being something more is unacceptable.

In the past several days I have been watching the rest of the movies that I rented in the public library. I don't know if this was due to transfer of some system during sex with the girl, or was it due to the start of the holiday season, or was it just because the act was so good, but when I watched the movie Ladder 49, with the pictures scenes of burning houses and brave firefighting, I became very emotional and I cried when I watched the funeral of deceased firefighter. The same pattern repeated when I next watched some other romantic movies. This in unacceptable and some self-forgiveness is needed to be done immediately regarding this point.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become emotional, since emotions are the energy, produced by friction between the reality and my projected definitions of reality being something more than what it really is.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that being emotional is what makes us human and forgetting that when the energy of emotion is possessing us, we tend to hurt ourselves and others with the excuse of being emotional.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a robot, letting emotions to blind and direct me to act in unreasonable ways, instead of taking full responsibility of my actions and directing myself towards what is best for all.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have special feeling towards someone and thus producing inequality in this reality, since all parts of the existence are one and equal to each other, the reality can only exist is perfect balance by treating every single being as equal to any other being in every single moment of every breath.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to buy the illusion of the movies and copy the behavior of the actors, believing that copying the behavior of others will help me to survive more effectively in this world, instead of realizing that Hollywood movies are deliberately produced in the way to manipulate and intensify human emotional reactions with the starting point of extracting as much money from the people as possible.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to forget that what is real is only this physical reality and whenever I tend to emotionally react, I go into my illusional mind that is created with the intend to trap me and suck my life energy until I drop dead.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for energy to distract my attention from what is really here, since the energy is not life, it is the product of friction between two opposite poles, and I can not allow energy to exist anymore, since the existence can not have the opposite pole and thus every single opposition of life has to be removed.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think instead of live, no thought is acceptable since it is based of projection of the memory into this present moment and since the present is constantly changing, no thought is valid and is thus the manifestation of lie, deception and illusion.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in my mind, since when I got to my mind, I am not here living, I am escaping to the place which is the alternative reality, and there can exist only one reality which is physical, in order all to co-exist as equals and collaborate and support each others effectively.

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2010 - Girlfriend relationship mind construct

I have been living alone in my apartment for past 10 years, had some girlfriends for a period of couple of months, but no long term relationships since my ex-girlfriend left me after 3 years of living together. Several years ago I have created my profile in the most popular Slovenian dating web page and purchased life time membership. I would like to be in agreement with someone but I have a very high standards in regards how the persons physical appearance and mentality should be. In my profile I have stated clearly what I stand for. I check the dating site from time to time if someone is interested in me, and I open a public chat application from time to time in order to be available if someone would like to chat with me. I am disappointed since others have included almost none information about themselves and just a few have included their picture, so finding the right person is very difficult. I have found a few years ago a very effective international online dating web site eHarmony witch uses automatic multi-dimensional matching. The system is based on deep research of the couples who have been in successful long-term relationships and it has the highest rate of matching that result in happy marriages. I have also created my own profile there in order to check what is new, but I do not know how many people from Slovenia have their profiles there, since I have so far been matched only with women abroad. This dating service has also much higher price and since my credit card is currently blocked I have not been able to by a membership that makes sending personal messages available.

I few weeks ago, I have made a connection with some girl via Slovenian dating site, we exchanged contact information, became FaceBook friends and she has been calling me on the phone almost every day since then. She is several years alder than me, is divorced and is living with her divorced father and her 19 years old son in the other part of our country. They are living in the hills, since her parent lived in the forests due to her father working as a logger. She has been working in some factory, but has lost her job recently and has no car on internet connection at her home. I like phone conversations with her, since she is very impressed about what I stand for and she thinks I am beautiful, cute, adorable and sweet. She is very persistent in calling me since she likes what I have to say and also because she is a bit bored. She told me that people like me are very rare and that I am very special. She also told me, how she fantasizes about me, but is afraid that we are not meant to be together since she is older than me and that I would probably leave her for a younger and prettier girl if we would start dating. She has found a new job a few days ago and would like to come for a visit in a week or two with a train, after she gets her first salary. I like her voice and her face, her honesty and generosity, but I would in deed prefer to be with someone who is a bit younger, more skilled in computers and with more stable financial background.

The way I imagine the agreement is two people walking and supporting each other as equals. So I would like someone who is enough intelligent, common-sensical, skilled in using computers, honest, open, and who is standing up for the principles of oneness and equality. Having a family or kinds is not the primary point for me, since I want both of us to actively contribute to make this world a better place. I love sex, but I see it more like a temptation and distraction from things that really matter in this world. Since I have become quite addicted to sex due to watching porn and masturbating regularly in past years, I see living together with some girl as increased temptation for having sex and thus wasting the time and energy for activities that are just distractions. I perceive relationships also as a waste of time and seeking for troubles due to both of us having to share the same space, home resources, having different point of view, desires, expectations, and thus producing conflict. As agreements are to be the opportunity to face yourself due to observing your reaction in relation to your partner, living alone has been preferred way of moving myself in this reality. There are still many other opportunities where I meet other people and check my reactions, so having an agreement is not necessary in order to walk my process.

The decision to live alone is also connected to the personality and family survival pattern that I have accepted and allowed. Since being the oldest son, my parents expected to be more serious, responsible, wise, capable, intelligent and a role-model that they would be able to be proud of. And my younger brother picked the fun, social, cute, naughty and emotional personality in order to get the necessary attention from our parents. Thus he is already married and has two daughter that my parents are proud of. I have been raised as a hard-working and obeying nice guy, who has been supported by parents only if I have done exactly what my parents thought is the best for me to do and have been thus programmed to be constantly available and ready in order to respond immediately whenever they wanted me to do something. My father is afraid of using computers so he has been relying on my skills in order to use the information technology in support of his projects. This is why I felt good working for him and also why he has been in a way jealous and angry at me when working with computers. So living alone is giving me a possibility to be in constant standby mode in order to react immediately whenever my father or any other customer would require my services.

And the influence of my mother, who committed suicide one year ago, has been in developing the feeling of being protected and taken care of, since she was always thinking how to support me financially and with food in order to get my own apartment, car and to eat whenever I would come to visit. Thus I learned not to move myself effectively and become self-responsible, since what I needed to do in order to survive is only to listen and support my parents and allow them to support me as they perceived would be best way. Parents have taught me that the best way to survive in this system is to have a steady income, to give the best services possible, to be proud of what I do, not to shame any family member, to mind my own business, and try not to change others or this system, since I need just to take care of yourself and the people in distress are responsible for themselves. Becoming good, successful and obedient part of society is what I need to do, so I should leave all my efforts for changing this world. I have been programmed extensively in order to be part of this system and not to produce any friction. So by being involved in some new age groups, I have been labeled as odd, troublemaker and especially my brother has been acting very spiteful towards me in past several years.

Since working with computer in our graphic family company, and not allowed to speak back for many years, I have developed introverted personality, escaping and living in my mind, entertaining myself by watching TV, I have separated myself from the physical extensively. Imagination, fantasy and future projection has become a large part of my life. My past relationships have been based on expectations, ideals and moral principles, and thus resulted in emotions of disappointment and anger. The fear from experiencing the same mistakes again is also the reason why I am literally driving the girls away, setting high standards and being very demanding in regards to female looks and mentality. This has been my preventive defense attack in order to make sure that I will not experience any troubles with the partner in the future. However this is quite delusional, since there is no such person that would suit my demands that are clearly based on past-projections, fear and self-interest. I am not allowing myself the opportunity to walk an agreement breath by breath here and facing point by point as equal and one. By running away from the agreements in order to escape from any unpleasant experiences, I am not allowing to experience also many pleasant moments that are also part of any agreement. So to continue living alone or to accept any agreement, this is the question.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex-girlfriend for leaving me, since I am equally responsible for that event due to not accepting her as one and equal and walking with her breath by breath. My relationship with her was based on my ideals and expectations of how relationships should be, based on the accepted family and media programming and were thus not real but purely delusional.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a picture of how someone should look and think, what age she should be, how much money she should earn and how her computers skills should be in order to be acceptable to walk with me in a agreement.
   
   
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by other peoples opinion about how they find my looks. The best for me is to remain stable inside regardless of what others think of me and to direct myself towards what is best for all.
   
   
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the support of my parents, becoming lazy and waiting for them to solve my problems, instead of directing myself effectively and constantly towards what is best for all.
   
   
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when I worked for my father and allowed him to be proud of me, instead of doing everything as self-expression and removing all emotional attachments from my creations.
   
   
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by my family members and stopping to move myself towards what is best for all, accepting their projection of fear and self-interest, instead of breathing, remaining here and sticking to the principle of oneness and equality.
   
   
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the personality and social programming from my family and society and supporting this system of abuse, competition, war and starvation, instead of standing up for the principles of oneness and equality and becoming the living example of how to transform this system to support all living beings equally.
   
   
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in my mind, thinking that I am able to escape from this reality, instead of standing up, facing every single event unconditionally as life and walking breath by breath until heaven on earth is fully manifested.
   
   
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to move me, enjoying life in my cosy apartment, not caring for other, minding my own business and doing nothing, instead of understanding that I am equally responsible for everything in this world and standing up for a real practical change.
   
   
10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define females just as a sex objects, walking vaginas and substitutes for masturbation in order to experience orgasm, instead of accepting them as life as one and equal with me and walking with them breath by breath without any expectations or self-interest and directing both of us towards equality.

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2010 - Masturbation point research

I masturbated again. It was 2:30am and I was reading the SRAT Lesson 29. I was to have a chat with Andrea the next day at 7:47am and I had to read the other half of the Lesson 29 and the whole Lesson 30 and to the exercises. The time was running out and I wondered how many hours of time should I reserve in order to be able to read all the text and to the exercises. I started do yawn, I was falling asleep and I started to play with my penis in order to entertain myself. I was still under the impression of the words of the girl with whom I had a chat with today, since she is really a master of seduction, using the words that trigger my sexual system. Her words were running through my mind and the pictures of how sex with her might be started to appear. My penis started to become erect more and more and I did not like this automatic unconscious reaction. I started to speak out loud in Slovene language the self-forgiveness on the masturbation points like:

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on the thoughts of the girl that I have had I chat with, since the memories are illusion and only what is here is in fact reality.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and project images of sexual intercourse with the woman, since pictures in the mind are illusion and not real.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuel my mind with the energy of orgasm and thus fueling the system that is going to produce even more thought and fuck me even deeper in the future.

But none of this self-forgiveness was sufficient. While holding and stroking the head of my penis, the sweet taste has been produced in my mouth and I wanted some more. I continued with strokes and increased the frequency and intensity of strokes until I would experience the buildup of energy in the genital region that expanded through my whole body when I came to orgasm and ejaculation.

After orgasm I felt bad since I failed to stick to my decision to replace the genital orgasm with the breathe orgasm. I decided to immediately write this post while the memories of the thoughts that pulled me into this actions were still fresh. When I asked myself why was I not able to stop, the following points emerged:

1. I am not fully aware of the consequences of genital orgasm in relation to enslavement of mind-consciousness system.
   
   
2. I have recently read that Desteni is supporting orgasm, but only in the form of self-expression. Since Desteni is not agains it, I have picked this as justification to continue with it.
   
   
3. I am considering the orgasm as I gift to myself, I form of award, a treat, in order to give myself a nice feeling after days of suffering unpleasant physical conditions in order to do what I have to do to get the money.

I have to do more writing in order to defuse more the points, related to sex system. I wonder if living alone is resulting in suppressing these points and if it would be more supportive to decide for and agreement and release these points while practicing sex. Since now if I see a female, from very young to middle age, the sexual thoughts and pictures are triggered intensively and I do not want to be possessed with them anymore. 

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2010 - Vertigo research continued

This is a continuation of my previous blog Repeating strong vertigo research in order to find out the reasons for occasionally experiencing strong vertigo.

I decided not to visit the doctor to check my blood since I am currently short of money and I have not payed for health insurance for a few months now, so this examination could cost me some money which is not necessary right now. I have concluded that my vertigo is not caused due to chemical imbalance in my blood, nor do I experience any tooth or other pain, accept some pain in the neck.

The last vertigo happened after intensive working with computer. I have two days in a row spent selecting, copyright stamping and uploading 75 photo galleries to my FaceBook business page in order to promote my professional photography services. I pushed myself to do this very extensively, since I need to earn money as soon as possible, so I worked all Thursday and Friday, sitting in front of the computer from 10am to 4am, that is 16 hours per day. I did occasional pause, prepared something to eat and danced a couple of times, but it seems that the strain has been too much after all, so the Saturday morning my body gave me a lesson.

The vertigo before the last one took the control of my body after spending two days with some girlfriend. The meeting with a girl should be fun and result in relaxation, but the way how I experienced the meeting was full of stress and frustration. Surely we had sex and I enjoyed physical intimacy, but the way I interpreted all that activities was full of fear, judgement and frustration. The whole time of I was thinking how spending time together is just a waste of time and money, totally unproductive and without any possibility of long-lasting agreement. I did not express myself and shared my thoughts, since the girl was not able to handle what I stand and wish for, and thus I suppressed myself. I endured all the trouble of going out just for the sake of sex. So the next day, after the girl left, the vertigo grounded me as never before.

Today I pushed myself again since I wanted to process as quickly all the videos at the new DIP Beginners forum. After watching about 30 videos one after another, the vertigo started to emerge again. I had to stop and lay down for un hour or so, and then I stabilized myself again. I decided to quit watching videos for today in order to avoid any further complications.

My actions of pushing myself were based on idea of being a self-directive principle and thus directing my physical body in order to do the stuff that needed to be done. As I read in the Desteni material, every pain, resistance or feeling of tiredness is produced due to participating in the mind consciousness system and allowing to direct by body, instead of me directing my body in very single breath. So I pushed myself and did not allow and physical discomfort to distract me from what I was doing. However what I missed is to take care of the diversity of body movement and actions throughout the day, since I spent almost every day in my apartment, sitting in front of my computer. The second thing that I missed were subconscious thoughts that compounded more and more and this all this resulted in the vertigo. So I have to be more careful about those points in the future in order to support myself as one and equal with my physical body more effectively.

In regards to vertigo being related to biting/squeezing teeth together, I wish to share some incredible story. A few years ago I attended some meditation group meeting in our local public library basement room. That day we were to learn a special relaxation technique, developed by some person who had an accident and could not move any part of the body, except the jaw. The doctors predicted that he would not recover and would have to spent the rest of the life lying in the bed. But after a while he got some inner guidance that told him to start slowly and gently opening and closing the jaw repeatedly. After practicing this technique, his body slowly came back to life, until he completely recovered and was able to move fully, like before he had the accident. So I also started to experiment with that tool in and I am making sure that I am not biting my teeth together and thus producing any tension.
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2010 - Repeating strong vertigo research

I have been again experiencing extremely strong vertigo today and I want to find the reason for it in order not to be repeated again. This kind of vertigo started to appear about two years ago and it repeated a couple of times a year. The last vertigo I experienced, and which was the worst so far, lasting and only slowly diminishing in the period of one week, happened 12. October 2010, and I wrote about it this blog post, which I also posted in my blogs thread at Desteni Open Forum:

Having the vertigo all day

http://valentinrozman.blogspot.com/2010/10/having-vertigo-whole-day.html

I expected to receive some support, but I did received no comment whatsoever. Today I searched for the Desteni Open Forum and found this relevant thread, started 23. October 2010 from Georg Haeussler:

Vertigo

http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?f=288&t=18894

Marlen suggested writing and applying self-forgiveness on the points, related to experiencing the vertigo again in order to regain self-directive principle. Ann suggested to check for infected teeth since it can make the balance fall away. Brett suggested to research fo Mitral Valve Prolapse Syndrome since it is often misdiagnosed as just vertigo. Rebeca shared her experience of nausea to be related to judgment of the people around her and how she stopped it using breath. Georg added that blood sugar level also places a role since the vertigo episodes tend to be more severe if he hadn't eaten in a while. Ralf explained that many of vertigos come from very small particles in your inner ear, suggested to investigate http://www.neuro24.de/s3.htm article, explained how muscle tensions in the neck and related parts in your back is another possibility and shared his experience of vertigo for more than a year coming and going until he realized that the reason was biting his tooth together under stress and while sleeping and that the big picture of every illness is a result of your belief system, starting with a though till it manifests as a sub system in your mind conscious system, till this finally affects your body.

I am going to check my blood at the doctor on Monday, research my mind-patterns possibly related to vertigo and write it in my next blog and I would like to ask everyone, especially Bernard and Sunette/Resonances to give me any additional feedback in order to point out the cause for my vertigo, so I am posting this blog post also to Desteni Subscription Forum.
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2010 - Breath orgasm instead of masturbating

Starting 4. September 2010 I have managed to stop masturbating until one week ago, that is 24. November 2010, so almost 3 full months. It was very cool, since I had no temptations and the head of my penis was very unresponsive to touch. But lately I have been exposed to many sexual scenes simply by catching some short part of movies while visiting my father and while watching some South Park cartoons. It is odd that creators of cartoons included scenes of children jerking off dicks of dogs, sexual intercourse acts and very pictures language. Being exposed to these images and words, my sex system obviously reactivated and I started to have sexual dreams. I also had a business meeting with some masseur, who told me, that people are asking her if she also offers massage where female masseurs are naked and they give customers a massage of the penis until they come. She was frown upon this questions, but she expressed her believe that occasional ejaculation is beneficial since this way you get rid of impurities that are building up in the liver.

So I decided to experience orgasm again and I masturbated, sitting on the couch in my living room. And I also masturbated the next day in the bathroom. In both occasions I had my eyes opened and I watched my penis and observed the flow of energies. No thoughts or images were involved. I wanted to be totally aware of everything that was happening in order to understand the sex system. I was not very proud of myself to indulge this act, and I wanted to transform it. Some weeks ago I have watched the series on breath orgasm, but I did not need to practice it, since no energy compounded that would be necessary to distribute. But now, since the sex system came alive again, I decided to test it. Yesterday while I was taking a shower, I started to touch all the parts of my body and breathed deeply in order to distribute the energy to every cell of my body. I experienced tingling feeling in the whole of my body, as I have been experienced it on some occasions before, when doing some yoga breathing techniques. I enjoyed it and I also allowed myself to scream, but not very loud, since I did not want to attract attention of my neighbors. I don't know if what I have experienced was a breath orgasm, or if the experience of breath orgasm should be something different or more intense, since feelings are difficult to describe and compare.

I will use the breath orgasm tool to release any build up of energy from now one. I have noticed, that classical genital orgasm somehow pulls the energy from the lower back of my legs and then fuels the mind helmet that is suppressing me. Rubbing the penis is also linked with the desire to have a partner to have sex with, so that you would enjoy the feeling of enclosed penis with soft, warm and moist vagina, butt or mouth hole. Practicing genital orgasm is driving you towards seeking for a partner and thus the whole life starts to revolve around being alert and searching for someone that could become your sex partner. You do not see others as living beings anymore but just as a walking vaginas, created only to give you penis a sexual pleasure. Breath orgasm obviously removes this need, since you distribute the energy to all parts of your body simply by breath and with caressing yourself. There is no need to stimulate just a certain part of your body in certain way and you do not need to be naked. Instead of mechanical stimulation of the penis, the source of pleasure is transformed from just one region of the body to the whole body. Your entire body becomes the sexual organ. You do not need a partner to give yourself an orgasm and thus you free yourself from any need of any other beings in order to enjoy orgasm. Fascinating!
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2010 - Pain in my back after subjugation to my father

You are welcome to read this post translated in Slovenian language.

After I allowed my father to force me in writing my 'public apology' exactly as he dictated, since he imposed his believe that I 'hurt his feelings', I woke with the pain in the center of my back the next day. I went to check and read the Veno's Structural Resonance document on the back points and saw that the center and lower back and the buttock points are about giving your 'power' or 'life energy' away to the 'mind-consciousness system'.

When I wrote the public apology I considered this act as 'becoming one and equal' with the 'mind-consciousness system' of my father and 'avoiding compromising' myself by short-term indulging the inability of my father to act from the common sense. I did not consider that by doing this I would suffer any consequences, since he agreed that my statement would not be in fact the act of self-honesty but lying and that this would be the last lye that he would demand from me.

However I understand the pain in my back as the consequence of in fact giving my power to the mind-consciousness system and allowing myself to have power over me, since I see no other events that would be able to cause my pain. So I am correcting myself in order to take my life energy back from the mind-consciousness system in order to remove the pain:

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be intimidated by my father, using his anger and threats of suing me with the lawyer and removing me from his will and not paying me the money for the work that I done for his clients for the price that we both agree upon, since by allowing this I am not allowing my father not to take responsibility for his feelings and emotions.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be intimidated by anyone that is not willing to take responsibility for the feelings and emotions that they create for themselves, since every energetic movement is the responsibility of the person who is experiencing it and only they have the power to defuse it by applying self-forgiveness.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to give my life energy away to other people and suffering their emotional projection and abuse in order to get the money.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be directed by mind-consciousness system and thus compromising myself as life, fearing of what other people might do to me and thus allowing energy to be more than life, instead of standing up unconditionally as life in total self-honesty and self-expression and for principles of oneness end equality.

I am not allowing to be intimidated, blackmailed and pushed by anyone anymore, not even my father, and I will stand firmly and face all attempts of using emotional energy, physical force or legal tools in order for them to suck life force out of me and fuel their mind-consciousness systems with energy of feelings and emotions.
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2010 - Consequences of mentioning my father in my blogs

You are welcome to read this post translated to Slovenian language.

While creating my blogs and vlogs in the Desteni process of self-realization in order to bringing all of my subconscious mind patterns here by writing and transcending them with process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, I have also mentioned my father several times as the main influencer in my life. We are writing blogs and shooting vlogs and publishing them publicly from several reasons:

1. The first reason is to make possible for others to read our posts and support and direct us as one and equal in order to successfully defuse the mind-consciousness system that distract our attentions from what is here by constant production of thoughts and consequently emotions and feeling.
   
   
2. The second reason is to support others by showing publicly how to becoming the living example of self-honesty and self-directive principle as one and equal with life and do what is best for all in order to end all the abuse in this world once and for all.

While writing the mind patterns, we describe past events, participating people, and their and our own actions, emotions, feelings and secret thoughts, to become aware of every single point that we have participated in. The description of other people actions and emotional reactions is not about blaming them and pointing fingers, but solely to describe the full picture of all events. We know that we are all responsible for our emotional reactions, since they are all based on beliefs, moral principles, opinions and definitions that we have allowed, accepted and become ourselves. The process is about self-purification, since we have the power only to change ourselves and we have no power to change others. Thus if we want to do something in order to make this world the better place, we can do this only by changing ourselves first and then inviting others to change themselves by being our own example.

We take care not to use personal names, since the process is not about pointing fingers and blaming others, but taking self-responsibility for our thoughts and feelings. However we still need to use some word to describe others in order to picture our relations and the intensity of influence, so we use words like 'father', 'mother', 'brother', 'sister', 'best friend', 'girlfriend' etc. in order to keep the maximum level of anonymity and still securing the understanding of the relationships. Total anonymity can never be achieved since everyone who we describe in our blogs and vlogs can be recognised by themselves or by others who know them. So some might react to the description of how we experience their behaviour.

One of them was my father, who did not like how I described my past experiences with him. He does not care about my process and does not follow my blogs and vlogs, however, others who know him have reported him the blogs and vlogs who describe him and expressed deep concern about my actions. Since my father is a quite well known public figure, and has experienced my posts about him as harmful and damaging, he insisted me to remove the blogs and vlogs that describe him, not to use the word 'father' any more and to write public apology in order to avoid the consequences of my actions. I have removed the word 'father' end  certain blogs and post from the public and this is my self-forgiveness in order to make peace with him:

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard my father's desire to be presented in only nice and acceptable way, since he needs to keep the certain public image in order to be successful in his business.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate with the decision to secure myself additional source of income instead of pushing only my latest counselling services to the level of getting in quite deep debt.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create division between me and my father since I judged his emotional reactions instead of accepting and directing him as one and equal with me.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect from my parents unconditional support just because I am their child, instead of accepting them as one and equal and being grateful for everything that they have offered me.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved only by money, working just to get money and stopping the movement when I had enough money, instead of moving myself constantly breath by breath as life and direct myself towards what is best for all.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely to my parents to save me whenever I would be in the financial trouble, and thus allowing myself to get into debt and feeling safe by expecting that they would help me also this time as they have done so many times before.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept everyone as one and equal to myself and trying to present myself as someone more intelligent and more perfect and thus criticising them, their lives and their jobs, instead of focusing on myself and clearing my emotional reactions.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can help others without helping myself first, since I can not direct others as one and equal to myself effectively until I remove all my energetic movements.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to the energy and to be moved only by energy instead of realising that as long as I allow to be moved by thought, feelings and emotions, I am a robot, a zombie, separate from the life and abusing life for my self-gratification, instead of becoming one with the physical and be here in every moment of evey breath, free from all the past.

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2010 - Business and group relationships getting better

In the past few days I did not make any blog and vlog since I have been busy with some projects. The most prominent point is related to Desteni Slovenia forum. With the launch of the forum, the effective platform for joined collaboration has been created, and I strongly encouraged all Desteni Slovenia members to completely move any conversation in regards to Desteni Slovenia activities to the forum, since most of discussions so far went through FaceBook messaging. I wrote some topics in order to explain that it is important to work together as a group, and that this would be possible only if everyone of us writes any idea regarding the Desteni Slovenia development to the forum and then wait for other members to give their perspective about the subject, in order to develop the solution that is best for all.

Since some Desteni Slovenia members took some Desteni Slovenia group related actions on their own, I wrote some guideline suggestions what would be the best practice for collaboration in order to bring the best and most effective results regarding the world-wide goals of the Desteni. Some Desteni Slovenia members took inactive to start translating the Desteni texts. Many are eager about promoting the Equal Money System in our country. From my perspective investing the time basically to promote Equal Money System should not be the primary focus, since I see the translation of the Desteni FAQ texts and Desteni Video Series more primary steps in order to introduce Desteni solutions to the public most effectively. However, since some have already decided to go with the Equal Money System FAQ translation, I considered it to be important to firstly agree what Slovenian words would be the best to use for the most common words of Desteni Language, in order for translations to be unified. So I started and pushed the discussion on Desteni Slovenia forum in order to vote for the best Desteni Language words translations and now the democratically elected words are publicly available via the Google Docs spreadsheet Slovar Desteni besednjaka.

I am glad, that we have started to work together more effectively, and that some people that I have been in conflict with, were able to apply self-corrective application in order to defuse their emotional triggers in regards to me. And I have also pushed myself to be more self-directive to what is best for all in regards to Desteni Slovenia group development. Since I am very skilled in the computer related solutions, I have made some initiatives and suggestions in order to bring all group members together in joined and as much effective collaboration as possible. The Desteni Slovenia Goggle account has been created in order to bring most from the use of Google group collaboration applications, and we also created the Desteni Slovenia YouTube channel that will host the translated or subtitled Desteni videos. Some have also expressed the want to start typing blogs and shooting vlogs in Slovenian language and there was a discussion what would be the best approach regarding this. I suggested for everybody to create separate YouTube channels and blogs, since Desteni web site is automatically linking and feeding the blog posts and vlogs of the active Desteni members to Desteni Community web page. And since the selected Desteni language is english and viewers are from all over the words, I concluded that it would be best to host Slovenian blog posts and vlogs in separate blogs and channels in order to avoid feeding the content in Slovenian language to the viewers who do not understand Slovenian and can thus not able to have any use of it. This is why I created my Slovenian blog and my Slovenian YouTube channel and it is up to other to follow my example or not.

In regards to my business, the improvements are quite fast. Firstly one of my best friends, who is my close neighbor and is similar age, came with a proposal to buy the photographic equipment for himself that I will be able to rent any time, after he heard that I decided to restart my photography services and I sold all my photo equipment two years ago. So few days ago we went to the photo store and we extensively tested several models and brands in order to buy the best camera and accessories with the money currently available. It was a tuff decision since there were two very similar models form different top brands. We decided to go with the second brand even though I used the first brand as a professional photographer for many years before. The SLR digital camera that we bought has many functions and also ability to shoot Full HD movies, and we needed to learn how it operates. So we went together yesterday for a trip in order to study and test all the functions. Since my friend did not have a knowledge about photography, I explained him the basics of photography and then we went deep to study the function of every single button on the camera body, since there were quite lot of them. I became very enthusiastic about the selected camera brand and the model, since the feel and handling of the camera is much more smooth and soft as the previous brand models which I have been working with so far. After a field trip, we made a couple of hours break and then continued to study at my apartment in the evening. And even after the evening study, there were still many functions left to figure out, especially in regards to shooting movies and creative lighting. So we will meet again in the following days in order to  become masters of handling the new equipment.

The other of my best friends, who has been living in the same building as me, alone with his divorced mother, in the third floor, moved to the flat in the ground floor, right next to my apartment, since some old lady moved away recently. He is not so good fried, since he smokes, drinks, listens to loud house and trance music and makes slander about other people. He did a lot of drugs in past years and turned mad, so he is officially declared as not able to work and is on the psychiatric drug treatment now. He is not working and is living on the social and his mother's support, who is a medical doctor and earns a lot of money. His mother also took the credit to by him this small apartment, so he is a very lucky guy, considering his actions. He invited me and the other friend to come for a visit to look at his new place. Soon after we came, he started to enthusiastically explain about how he watched some porn movie and recognized some female actor. That actor was to be a girl who is a psychologist with a degree from our capital city and who we also meet and talked in person. She smokes pot occasionally, drives an expensive sport car and is also working as a fashion model. So my friend was totally sure that it was her in the porn movie, and that now it is clear why she was able to afford such expensive car, since she probably got a lot of money from starring in that porn movie.

The starting point of my friend telling us this story was to join him at his laughter and feelings of envy, anger and disgust, while describing her as a top whore, who was the dominant character in the movie and took the all effort to fuck the male actors by herself. But while listening to his story, I directed myself to stay here, not to go in my mind, not creating pictures of how she fucked the guys, not defined her actions and herself as something less that me and thus not producing negative energetic feelings. I simply remained still and waited for my friend to finish talking. He and my friends were very surprised about me not joining them at laughing. So I explained that criticizing others is in fact not accepting others as one and equal to yourself, and that inequality is the cause of all the suffering in this world. I told my friend that his reactions are unacceptable, and that he should rather start correcting his behavior patterns, since there will be no place in the future for the people who decide to continue with any abusive attitude towards others. He replied that there is no way that he is going to change. And I said fine and that he should then not expect me to enjoin his company as long as he is sticking to that decision.

On the general, I have noticed that I have become much more stable, have less daily energetic movements and thus also the skin condition improved noticeably. I guess this is also due to practicing self-forgiveness verbally out loud at the moment when I experience any emotional reaction. Of course I am not able to stop and defuse them all at the moment of appearance, but I am pushing myself to face them as much as possible, especially when I am alone in the apartment and thus do not attract unnecessary attention of other people. However I have noticed that I was not able to get up from the bed so easily as I would expected, after making by vlog Self-forgiveness in the bed in regards to over-sleeping, and this has to be due to increased stress in the past few days. But I expect to regain my latest gained sleeping pattern of not sleeping more that five hours per day soon.
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2010 - Facing point in regards to reading posts of others

I have noticed, that when I watch vlogs, and especially when I read blogs, I am having trouble to properly absorb the information that is presented. I have decided to follow blogs and vlogs of certain Desteni members, and firstly when I noticed that they are using several different publishing platforms, I have become a bit desperate, since I imagined that I would need to create different accounts, log in, and check for the new feeds regularly. Then I discovered fantastic Google Reader application to which I was able to add all different platform blogs and also YouTube channel URL's, so now I get the notification in form of small Google Reader Notifier Extension icon on the Google Chrome web browser interface, and I am able to open any new feed with just two simple clicks. This is so awesome cool, that I recommend to everybody.

The starting point of reading blogs and watching blogs is to 'get more realization' about the Desteni process, to learn how 'writing yourself to freedom' is done properly, how the support in form of comments is to be done effectively, and in order for me to add my own support. What I have noticed thereby is, that I am not able to properly participate within this actions. So let me go step by step, in order to expose all the points of resistance of my secret mind.

In the moment when I notice the Google Reader new feed notification, I became curious about what and by whom has been created and published. I click on the icon and I see two lines for every single new feed that shows the title of the subject and the name of the blog or the channel. At this point I am already able to see if the feed is about YouTube video or some blog text. By the title, I am able to see what video or blog is about, and by the blog or channel name, I am able to identify who is the author. Of course this is true only for the blogs and channels that have the first and last names of the authors included in the blog or channel URL's, so I do not know from whom is the blog, named like 'Making the better world', unless I have already associated and remembered the name of the author of the blog. So my first reaction here is WTF do people not use their true names in the YouTube channel names and blog main titles, and are forcing me to check the blog profile details in order to see who is the author.

Then, based on the type and quantity of the feed, I decide which one and when I will watch. The type of the feed is related to the sort of attention needed in order to absorb the information. For instance, blogs need much more attention, since I have to be steady and use my eyes in order to focus my sight on the screen and read the text. And since the most of the vlogs include audio, I can simply listen to them and do not need to use my eyes, thus using ears is sufficient enough. So considering how I feel at the moment of receiving the feeds, I decide how many and witch blogs and vlogs I am going to process at that moment. I usually save the videos to be watched later, when I prepare or have the meal, wash the dishes or iron the laundry. I organize all the things to do in the way to use the available time as effective as possible. Reading blogs need my full attention and I can do nothing parallel to reading. However while listening to vlogs, I can focus my sight and make use of my hands also to some other task and thus split the time if I would do each task one after another.

Before or after processing the feed, I make a note on my Google Documents Spreadsheet which I use to record all my major Desteni related tasks. I record the date, author/channel name, blog/vlog title and URL for the each feed I process. I started to build this database for self-defense after some new Desteni members have been accusing me to be a faker and perceived me as not walking the process at all. This has been before I have started actively participating in the Desteni open forum and doing my own blogs and vlogs. For the past half of year, the only sign of my progress could be visible through the 'SRA Jan 01' private forum, so others could not see the extent of my participation. I needed to present some practical evidence in order others to see the level of my devotion to Desteni, accept me as one of their own and stop being spiteful towards me. So whenever someone came with any doubt, I would simply forward him the link to my records in order to shut its mouth. And this was in deed very effective. I have watched many Desteni videos and articles but did not made any comments in order for others to see what I have processed so far. But then I have started to post the comments and now also started with my own blogs and vlogs, so my record has lost the primary defense function. However I have found it useful also for myself in order to easily check if I have already process certain link in order to avoid duplicate processing. And I am also able to easily find and forward any useful link to others in order to support them. Thus I am continuing with recording of my activities in order to increase effectiveness of support and self-support.

The process of making a record involves copying and pasting as many information as possible in order to speed up the process. In the firs column of the spreadsheet I copy current date from the cells above. In the following column I copy and paste the names of the YouTube channels, video names and URL's, since they are short and meaningful enough, and but when inserting the blogs identifier information, the process is much more painful. I want to keep the vlog name short in order to have the whole span of the cell columns on my notebook screen at once. Since the blog names are very long, and do usually even do not contain the name of the author, I have decided to manually enter full names. End some blogs have also certain layout that prevents me to copy and paste the blog post title alone. In attempt to select only the blog post title, the body of the post gets selected together with the title. Thus I can not simply paste the blog post title in the spreadsheet cell, and need to make intermediate step. This includes opening the notepad application, pasting the copied text, selecting and copying only the blog post title and finally pasting it into the spreadsheet cell. So this is why I go here WTF do people not use their names i the blog URL, blog title or at least in the blog author profile, and why do they use the blog type that prevents simple selecting of the blog post title.

When watching the vlogs who have low sound volume, I go WTF did creator not make enough effort in order to provide sufficient audio quality. So if I decide to watch vlogs while hand-washing the dishes, I have to make a special selection of those, who are loud enough, since quite high level of audio noise is produced by the process of washing dishes, LOL. And when reading blogs a go WTF has the author selected the layout with such long lines and small text, or WTF has he selected the platform like Multiply, where I get distracted from the text by fucking annoying animated sidebar advertisements. And when making a blog comment, I go WTF did programmers not come out with the better spam prevention mechanism than the fucking-hard-to-read captcha text that I need to enter every single time when I want to make a comment!

But this are just the small point. Watch out, here comes the big ones. When I finally start to read the blog, the fucking thoughts come up and disturb by attention from reading. They go like why do you read this instead of doing something that is much more fun? And when I proceed, they go like how long is this text, will it take a lot to reach the end? So my eyes go to the slider in order to see how long is the slider button, compared with the hight of the slider bar, or I even click and pull the slider all the way down in order to really check how many lines of text is there in total. If the line count is up to 4 screen hight long, I go ok, well make it. But when the blog post is over this limit, I go WTF did the author decided to torture me with such massive volume of the information. When I tell myself that reading the blogs is beneficial and crucial for my self-support, I proceed with reading the text.

Then when I start reading, I have to focus very intensely in order to grasp what is being said. The first problem is english not being my native tongue, so I struggle much more with understanding text in English than in Slovenian language. It is like word are there, like graphical symbols and I have to pull myself into certain state of acceptance on openness in order to grasp the meaning of words. Lately I feel myself dissociated with the words I read. I see the words, I read the word, I understand the meaning of the words, but they do not penetrate inside me, they stay there, separated from myself. I run away from facing the words, wanting to be somewhere else, doing something else. Like reading blogs is interesting from certain kind of perspective, but it also somehow mandatary in order to walk the process effectively. I need to prove to others that I participate, that I am involved, that I am worth of acceptance and unconditional love. So I see this as a sort of punishment, I sort of hell that I need to go through in order to be worth of living. And in fact this hell is my own creation, and I need now to face what I have accepted and allowed, and it is not very amusing. But I know there is no other way, so I continue to push myself, even if it is hard.

When I read several lines of the blog text, a fear comes up that I would not be able to remember all the points. I am decided to leave the comment on every blog post that I read, basically from the reason to give author the feedback that I have read the post. I leave at least the small comment like "Thanks for sharing", and foremost I want author to know, that I have actually read every single line of the blog post. Some might make a comment and live a comment as formal note of support without reading the post in total. But I want to be a brave nice guy and do my best, and to comment just the posts that I have actually read. This is why the fear comes up if I would be able to understand everything what has been written and to write a valid and supportive comment. This fear then takes my attention away from reading. I read a few lines and I forgot what has been written in previous lines. So I return and read again, and again until the words and sentences become clear, penetrate inside me and become one with me. Then only am I able to make a valid comment at the end and get the satisfaction of the good done job.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good in regards to having Google Reader Notifier extension installed since I have compared myself to others and imagined that others do not use this extension but some other, less effective way of following blogs and vlogs, and have thus defined myself as more effective, more important, instead of realizing that the process that I am doing is facing myself in order to clear all the comparisons with anyone and become equal to everyone and support each other equally.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good when doing self-forgiveness since I imagine how others will read this post and see me as effective in the process of self realization and define me as something more as themselves, instead of realizing that every single inequality is the cause of suffering in this world, that no one can exist as more as anybody else, and if I want to be supported, I need to support others as equal to myself.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to define the process of writing myself to freedom as a certain goal that is to be achieved and then having good feelings of glory after fulfilling this goal, instead of realizing that the process is about birthing myself from the physical, releasing the past and anchoring myself in this moment, and to start living for the first time, so the process is not something to achieve, but to live it in every single breath of this moment without ever ending it.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to have feelings of anger when noticing that not all blogs can be easily identified by the author, since it is I who have created this wish in order to link the blog post to the name of the author. There is no need for me to know who the author is, since the blogs are created by people as their own self-support and not for my amusement.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing myself to have feelings of anger when some information can not be easily selected, copied and pasted and demanding perfection and alignment of reality with my expectations, instead of realizing that no one is perfect, the programmers are the same as me, and I am also not perfect and do mistakes, and it is I who need to release any expectations and demands of how the reality must be, and align myself with and accept reality the way it is in every moment of every breath.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing myself to separating myself from the text I read since I have defined the process of reading as the punishment for myself, instead of realizing that the act of reading is the consequence of me directing myself in order to stop the separation, created when participating in my mind, and is the necessary step in order to become one with the physical, since I have realized that I can no longer exist in the mind and as the mind.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing myself to create the need to defend myself from others, since there is nothing to defend if I stand as life as one and equal to everyone. If anyone has defined me not as life as one and equal to himself, and thus created separation, it is his responsibility to release the illusional definitions and there is nothing that I need to do but to support others in facing their own self-accepted and allowed illusions.

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